Roar of the Grease Paint...

Elizabeth of York, feeling a prick (on a rose).

And finally the flood waters did recede, and the people of Somerset did look up at the strange yellow object in the sky and go "ooh-arr" and scratch their heads in bewilderment.  You knew the threat of flooding was now rapidly disappearing as all the TV news crews had buggered off.  When I look back to last year and this same time, we weren't inundated with water, we were instead freezing our collected butts off.  If you think back to the weekend at Knebworth (shudder - I try not to) the temperature for that whole weekend barely rose above freezing.  This same weekend just gone (i.e. 365 days later) and the temperatures were around about 20 degrees.  Funny old world, innit?

And so we begin on Tuesday the 18th March and the King's return to Birchfield Junior School in Yeovil.  My last visit to this school had been the previous January and that was certainly a lot colder - I remember loading the props back into the car after that show with huge great flakes of snow dolloping themselves onto my car windscreen and stubbornly refusing to melt.  I arrived early and was met by the usual group of very friendly teachers, including the wonderful Ally Goff who was her usual infectiously funny and happy self.  This is such a friendly happy school, great atmosphere whenever you go there and this day was no different.  We had a great group of kids as well, loads of laughs and everyone seemed to enjoy the day in the extreme.  The final jousting tournament was an incredibly loud event which virtually tore the roof off the place. It was worth it for the lads as they were finally rewarded with a long needed win.  Our score goes to:

GENTLEMEN 13.5 - 21.5 LADIES

Back out to the car to load it up and go and I am delighted to say there was not a hint of dollopy snow flakes in the air, for which I was very grateful for.

I headed up to Essex on the 23rd, for a week of looking after James as Amanda continued her burgeoning am dram career with her second performance for the Thalians Theatre Group in Basildon.  She was out for most evenings for the final technical and dress rehearsals, and was then performing on the Thursday, Friday and Saturday at the Mirren Studio in the Towngate Theatre.  My first port of call though back in the south east was a return visit to Dulwich College Junior School in South East London.  Again my previous visit last year had included quite prodigious amounts of snow everywhere, appalling traffic and a journey that seemed just slightly shorter than Captain Scott's epic trek to the South Pole.  There was no way I was going to get caught in such terrible traffic this time, so I set off spectacularly early from Basildon... and arrived spectacularly early at the school.  Not a hint of any traffic or bad weather.  Typical.  Once inside I was greeted by the delightful Leiba Sablon, the lovely teacher who booked me last year.  Dulwich College which is Nigel Farage's old school (now there is a claim to fame) is an all boy's school so no results from the very entertaining jousting can be added to the scores as it wouldn't be fair on the ladies.  I do the same for the men when I visit the Maynard School in Exeter.  It was a great day once again at this school.  Great kids, really switched on and with it, and they get all the gags - big time!  So man laughs.  We ripped through to a fantastic jousting finale and then I was on my way back to Basildon.  The traffic out of London was far more what I expected first thing in the morning, slow, bumper to bumper and lots of very bad tempered people refusing to budge an inch.

My main place of residence on Wednesday the 26th was at the "Weston Homes Community Stadium" in Colchester.  This sadly wasn't for some huge outdoor arena style Good King Hal show in front of thousands of adoring fans - nope, I was attending a speed awareness course as I had been photographed in the Royal motor doing 67MPH on the A282 leading onto the Dartford Crossing Bridge back in early January.  So I could either pay the £100 fine and take the three points onto my licence, or I could attend this course and avoid the points.  I naturally went for this option - and promptly picked up a bill for £97.50 to attend. Well, at least I saved myself £2.50.  Not really, after I had bought myself an exorbitantly priced cup of tea in the cafe in the stadium as I waited for the course to begin.  I found it rather sweet that Colchester United had decided to call their stadium cafe "The Hot Shot Cafe".  Surely for the level they play at it should be called "The Scuffed Shot" or "The Toe Ender".  But I can forgive them most things as the waitress had a lovely bottom.  The course was much as I expected - it was presented by two men, one who was so smug as to make Greg Wallace on Masterchef look positively insecure and another old chap who was to technical items what Bernard Manning was to race relations. If he could press a button and make something go wrong he would do it.  The automatic lights went up and down, the electronic blinds went up and down more times than a whore's drawers until they fused, and he was halfway through his part of the presentation when he somehow managed to completely switch off the lap top he was doing his presentation through and we had to sit in a slightly embarrassed silence as he and Captain Smug muttered and pressed buttons until it all came on again.  Well, it was all quite informative, didn't really tell me anything I didn't already knew and it was four hours of my life I won't get back again.

Thursday night was Amanda's opening night in the play.  The Thalians (the am dram group Amanda belongs to) were doing a version of Terry Pratchett's "Going Postal" and Amanda had the part of "Mr Pony" (yes, I know) and she did fantastically well in a superb all round production.  She had worked long and hard on this production, helping out a lot with the costumes, most particularly the very impressive Golem outfit, complete with it's stunning latex mask - anyone who saw the show will know what I am talking about.  Her performance was faultless and James and I really enjoyed it, even though James got very restless towards the end of the first half.  Luckily there were some spare seats at the back of the theatre, so for the second half James and I moved back there and my restless native of a son could stand up, sit down, wriggle and do all the things slightly bored autistic children want to do, without disturbing anybody around us.  It is so great to see Amanda getting into the acting lark - her almost child-like excitement and fixation with the cast and the whole experience reminded me so much of my early days in the business.  I warned her after the final performance she would experience a real downer of post show blues - and she did, bless her.  It was nice to see her in the post performance glow going over and over the photos she had taken of the rehearsals and the cast in general.  Thankfully she is going for the read through of their next production this week, so her fix for this new addiction will get fed again!  Hopefully there will be another production soon in which James can take part as he is as taken with the whole acting lark as Amanda is.  Oh, the roar of the grease paint, the smell of the crowd.... You can't whack it.

Mothering Sunday saw Amanda, James and I joining Cathy and Julian down at their house in Kent for a lovely slap up meal and a bit of champagne sipping.  It was a nice way to round off my week looking after my beloved James.  He can also get back into his performing as I have just had all the dates through for the jousting this summer with the Knights of Royal England.  Fantastic!

Birchfield, Brides and Books.

Anne Boleyn: You are Johnny Vegas and I claim my 400 groats.  Henry VIII:  Anne Boleyn, it is with great regret when I say - you're for the chop.

Snow?  What snow?  Almost as soon as it had come the inclement disgusting white stuff was on it's way out.  And good thing too.  My return visit to Birchfield Junior School in Yeovil was going to be a good one - all my visits there in the past had been equally entertaining.  The main road from Crewkerne to Yeovil is currently being dug up for some reason or other, so I found the early part of the journey involved lots of fannying around in minor country roads.  I arrived at the school under glowering grey skies and loaded my stuff into the hall.  As on my previous visits they have a large "Story Tellers" chair which they bring in, clean down and drape cloth over it to turn into a splendid throne for me.  Smashing.  Well it was, as in every visit I have made to the school, a real rip roaring fun day - a great sparky group of kids and lots of laughs.  The final joust was deafening and ended with ANOTHER win for the lads.  They are really on a roll now and have clawed the scores back to:

GENTLEMEN 11 - 13 LADIES

By the time I had got round to taking my props back out to the car, the rain that had been falling all day was slowly morphing into big fat round snowflakes that plopped down and refused to melt, the utter gits.  It snowed most of that night and for a good part of the following morning.  With a new covering of snow now in place my proposed visit to Riverside School in Hereford was certainly at risk and after a quick call to that school my visit was postponed until the 13th February.

On the Thursday, in the thick snow, I didn't go far aside from popping into the local Waitrose for some bits and pieces.  There was only one couple ahead of me at the checkout, an elderly couple of right old carrot crunchers.  Their stuff went through and they packed it away in various bags.  She pulled out a bulging leather purse, opened it and immediately a torrent of loose change exploded all over the floor.  Mostly coppers.  Her elderly husband and I then took to scrambling on the floor and picking them all up.  We poured the coins back into her purse which she zipped up.  The lady on the till then repeated their total.  "Oh yes" says the old lady, unzips her purse and.... there is a second explosion of loose change all over the floor.  I have to say that by now I was helpless with laughter and incapable of picking the change up this time.  When they had finally left and I got to the checkout girl she explained that they came in every week and ALWAYS did that.  So if you want a good bit of free entertainment folks, get yourselves down to Waitrose in Crewkerne and look out for this couple.

I drove to Kent on the Friday morning and spent some lovely time with Shelley and Owen.  On the Saturday afternoon I went to Essex and had some quality time with my lovely son James.  On the Sunday a group of us went to Detling Showground in Kent to check out the latest Wedding Fair and see if our proposed Tudor Wedding plan was looking good - and it was.  Michelle and I went in costume and got quite a bit of attention.  The cartoon above was done for us by the Artful Doodler - what a clever chap.  And I do look like Johnny Vegas in my picture, no matter what some people say.

Back down to Somerset and I was interviewed today by the lovely Marion Draper from the View From Crewkerne newspaper about my nearly 10 years of being Henry.  We met at Bilby's Cafe in Crewkerne and over a tea cake and pot of tea we put the world to rights.  I should be in next week's issue, so look out for that.  After bidding goodbye to Marion I wandered down to Gresham Books, a big antiquarian book seller at the head of Crewkerne High Street - saw a magnificent book from 1910 called "C B Fry's Who's Who of Cricket" in a leather bound jacket - wow.  I wanted it so much.  Till I saw the price. £125.  Ah, maybe not.  I'll wait till it comes out in paper back.  I'll get my purse out and release a tsunami of coppers.

Birchfield Primary, Yeovil

Good King Hal, looking camper than a row of pink tents, whilst lurking in the kitchens at Barrington Court. The Pot Noodle was ruined.

The drive across to Birchfield was nice and easy this morning. As I pulled into the car park of this lovely school in Yeovil I nearly ran into a recycling lorry that was busy...er... recycling things. That had just finished when I stepped from the car and was promptly nearly run over by two of the teachers arriving in a mud spattered VW Polo. Birchfield is a lovely school, always a pleasure to return to - friendly teachers, lovely kids and a nice atmosphere about the place. And it's local to me, which is definitely a plus point.

It was a largish group today, just under 100 children and the vast majority had dressed up. During the early part of the show I talk about some of the problems Henry suffered with Catherine of Aragon as they tried for children - about how the first child she gave birth to was a boy - I always then ask the group what they called the first child. Now this is a great test of Tudor knowledge as most people will guess at Edward, but of course the first, short-lived child was called Henry. Anyway, I asked the question and sure enough the first child I came to guessed "Edward", I informed them they were wrong. The second child guessed "Prince Edward" - nope still wrong. Amazingly about the next 6 kids I went to kept guessing different variations on the names Edward, Eddie, Prince Edward and even King Edward. You had to admire their tenacity.

Lunch was very nice and was spent in the company of the teachers and staff of this lovely school - but they were in and out like fiddlers elbows as they were being officially photographed this day. This caused a fair amount of moaning and distress for some of them. But I reckon they all looked fine! The afternoon went by at a fair old lick and the jousting was unbelievably loud and boisterous. It culminated in a fairly comfortable victory for the gentlemen - it wasn't even really close to be honest. This now makes the score:

GENTLEMEN 23 - 27 LADIES

I finished to great acclaim and reloaded all the props back into the car. I had decided I needed to pop into central Yeovil to go to the bank. As I drove away from the school with streets still busy with children, I did what I always did which was to drive very slowly and carefully. Thankfully I did as coming along one small road a rather moth-eaten looking cat just suddenly wandered out of a garden and in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes and thankfully managed to avoid the suicidal moggy, but it certainly had it's nine lives quota reduced by one. I fought my way across town and got to the car park near the banks. It was closed and was being resurfaced by a bunch of arse scratching neanderthals in day glo overalls. I better head for home then.

Oh, and as I haven't mentioned it before... MANCHESTER CITY WON THE FA CUP ON SATURDAY! YES!!!!!! There, I feel better now... Got my folks coming to stay for a few days, with my next Henry show being a return visit to Haylands School in Ryde on the Isle of Wight.

Birchfield Junior, Yeovil

A huge ancient monument. And behind him, a big old wall.

Today was meant to be the first day of filming on the long anticipated TV documentary being made about me and my silly job as Henry VIII. I had enquired if Birchfield Junior in Yeovil had minded being filmed with me, and they were really up for it. I had chosen Birchfield as it is such a fabulous school, really friendly and welcoming and with great kids and teachers. Everything was ready to roll until I got an email late on Monday stating that the sound recordist due to visit with the crew was going to be stuck in Manchester and was unavailable. Therefore all was postponed which was disappointing for me, but the children at Birchfield were even more disappointed. Hopefully we have re-arranged the filming for the 10th March when I visit St Michael's School, Wimborne in Dorset - fingers crossed.

Today was a fun day anyway, film crew or not. What I love about Birchfield is the sheer enthusiasm the children have and also the fun friendly staff. I arrived and unpacked the gear and was soon being chatted to by Katie Angus the delightful lady who had booked me this year. She is expecting her first child in May so I wished her all the very best for that. A great morning seemed to just zip by and soon found myself in a very quiet staff room. They were interviewing new teachers at the school today and a lot of people who didn't know each other were all lumped together in the staff room, giving it the impression of a dentist's waiting room. My dinner was a bit bizarre as well - pizza, with mashed spuds and baked beans! Not something you find at the Savoy Grill every day - even if you were Giles London.

The afternoon was similarly hilarious and we finished with a rip roaring joust which a more than capable ladies team romped away with at the end. This now makes the score:

GENTLEMEN 12 - 17 LADIES

Who knows what the rest of this week will have in store! Tonight I am off shortly to United FM again for some more voice over work and then tomorrow morning I am up at an unspeakably early hour to drive up to Coleford and Coalway Junior for my 6th visit to that lovely school. Then, my birthday on Friday!

Medieval Midsummer Merriment + Barrington Court & Birchfield Junior!

And so, it came to pass, that His Majesty Henry VIII - Good King Hal, did travel down to Abbotsbury in the county of Dorsetshire and did take part in their annual Medieval Midsummer Merriment on Saturday June 13th. Despite some dodgy weather and a little amateurish organisational moments which reminded you it was a small village event, it was a total triumph. I entertained the crowds in the main tithe barn with a presentation about Henry and his six wives, we also had some local musicians who scraped away during the main meal. Then there was the Dorchester Historical Dance group - eight middle aged ladies in dramatic and unisex Tudor and Elizabethan clothes, plus one tanned younger man who seemed very at home in tights and was very light on his feet. They did a series of dances that were perfectly adequate, but their sound system sounded like it was from the Tudor era as well. Muffled, fuzzy, hissy and at times, deafening! Finally we had "live" music from a band called The Crack who were from Weymouth, and despite the name they were not an Irish folk band but a very good straightforward party band. The food was marvellous - roast long horn beef spit roasted for about 12 hours, plus venison sausages and a fresh crunchy salad. A marvellous time was seemed to be had by all and I finally got away from the mad partying people at about 11.30pm.

Sunday saw me leaving Portesham (I had stayed at my cousin's house the night before) and headed up towards Barrington Court for a walkabout the gardens during their "Jazz on the Lawn" weekend. Now I love most "live" music, but one thing I cannot stand is Trad Jazz (actually I loathe all types of jazz, but trad jazz and modern jazz the most). It was scorchingly hot and I was tired, but I managed many laps of the house until it got to about 3pm by which time I had definitely had enough. I went and saw the lovely Rachel on the cider stall who poured me a "Barrington Shandy" (some Barrington Court cider mixed with Barrington Court apple juice - delicious and not too lethal) and I was soon scoffing a nice sausage in a bap with some fried onions on it. That certainly girded my loins! I also bumped into a lovely couple of ladies who had been at the Abbotsbury show the night before and had come along to see me! One lady was from Mosterton and the other from Oxfordshire. Bless 'em.

Monday had me down for a return visit to Birchfield Junior in Yeovil, but today was a bit different. I did the usual opening talk and the three activities (which we did all together), but straight after that I did the jousting tournament (which the ladies won!). In the afternoon we did a small play called "Henry the VIII - This is Your Life!" in which I play Henry being surprised by Michael Aspel with the famous big red book. A whole load of family and friends came to join us and we had a really good time. I did some more of my Henry routine for the Mum's and Dad's and soon it was time for home.

Tomorrow I am driving to Dover in Kent for two days at the Cruise Terminal for Visit Kent again. See you then!

Birchfield School & then a kick in the teeth!

And it all started so well... I set my alarm bright and early for the short drive over to Birchfield Primary School in Yeovil, but then promptly fell asleep. I was re-awoken by my cat patting my face and demanding breakfast. A morning that had promised to be a nice relaxed slow get ready and go turned into a panic fuelled stagger around amid much swearing and nearly falling downstairs. Somehow I managed to arrive at the school on time and was greeted by the same wonderful teacher as before - such a sweet lady! And all the other staff were wonderful. It was a good sized group of children, two classes, and they were very excitable and were challenging at times. But the day went really well and there were laughs aplenty. The jousting was of high quality and I really thought the ladies were going to walk away with it, but in the final the gents managed to get ahead and held on for a fine win, amid much screaming and cheering!

I had just loaded everything into the car for the journey home when I got a voicemail message on my mobile. It was from Emma Vulliamy from Channel 4 who I was due to be filming with tomorrow near Wellington. The owners of the Tudor stately pile where I was due to meet them and film, decided that my travel expenses were too much for them to afford and I was no longer needed for the show. A bit of a kick in the teeth to say the least as I was really looking forward to this opportunity. Emma was full of apologies and said unfortunately it was out of her hands, and that she was disappointed as she and the crew had been looking forward to working with me. An unfortunate end to a funny old day...

Next week I am at St Michael's School near Bath for the last Henry day in a school for the academic year. And what a year it's been.