Frigthfully inclement weather

Good King Hal, second from right at the back clutching a Union Jack, shortly after arriving in Basildon after a nearly six hour drive from Somerset. He was horrified to discover Amundsen had got there first, but was delighted to see that some of the locals had already had the runners off his sleigh.

My last two Henry shows of the year were due at Nelson Primary School in East Ham, and the following day at Knightwood School in Chandlers Ford in Hampshire. This was all as long as the weather behaved itself. Well, unless you have been living in a cave, or a snow drift (more likely) then you will be aware of what the weather has been like.

I travelled up from Somerset on the Tuesday and all was going swimmingly until I reached the south east. As I got east of the M23 turn off on the M25 the snow began to appear, and it got steadily heavier and heavier as I approached the Dartford crossing. The final stretch was done at a mere walking pace as the authorities had closed off the M20 exit and there was a massive snarl up around that junction. I finally got to the tunnel and sailed through! Great, I thought, I will be at Amanda and James' place within about 15 minutes. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

The exit to the A13 was gridlocked. People fighting to get onto the M25 was snaking back across the exit and locking solid the roundabout. Idiots chopped and changed lanes as though this would do them any good. One particular twit in a crap coloured Ford Ka changed lanes about eight times, and each time I let him in with a little cheery wave which he virtually ignored. When he asked to change lanes AGAIN, I am afraid this time I refused to let him and was rewarded with a cheerful hand gesture which I was more than happy to return. We ended up sitting motionless on the roundabout down onto the A13 for about 45 minutes as the snow piled up around us. My, this was fun. As things slowly started to move I noticed that two huge lorries either side of me were jockeying to push in front of me, even though there was no space. It is times like this that I am glad I have a very loud voice. I wound down both windows, sucked in a huge lungful of air, and allowed the previous four hours worth of frustration pour out as I yelled:

"IF EITHER OF YOU TWO CHAPS IN THE LORRIES ARE CONSIDERING PUSHING IN FRONT OF ME, I SHALL FIND OUT WHERE YOU FELLOWS LIVE AND WILL KILL YOU!" I hasten to add I did not use the words "chaps" and "fellows". The words I did use did begin with the letters C and F, but I shall leave that to your imagination. But it worked, both the lorries allowed me through and one even flashed his lights cheerily at me and shouted something about me being a "fellow chap". I reciprocated his affections once more. But I got to Amanda's place.

Well, to cut a long Captain Scott type diary short (though there is less self sacrifice, fetid penguin blubber and frostbite involved) both of my days at the schools were called off. There was just no way I could get to either of them with the roads the state they were in. I instead kept myself amused by frequently getting thrashed by my son at Mario Kart on the Wii console.

So no more Henry's now until next January, however I start down at Leeds Castle on the 10th December as dear old Father Christmas. All this and I have very nearly finished my Christmas shopping which is surely a record.

Nelson Junior, East Ham

Good King Hal, halfway through his ventriloquism act, ably supported by Saddam Hussein's balding brother.

Gor blimey! Strike a light, guvnor! Apples and pears, apples and pears! I have not never seen nuffink like it in all my puff! etc etc. But enough of this Dick van Dyke-isms. Yes folks, I was back in the East End - my old stamping ground. I lived in Stratford, London E15 from 1986 to the beginning of 1990 and have rarely been back since. My most regular visit if I do go back as Henry is to the lovely Nelson Junior School in Napier Road, East Ham. I had stayed in Basildon with Amanda and James the night before, and got up early to hit the jolly old A13 to my destination. A 25 minute journey actually took just over an hour - don't you just love the south east of England??? Even though the journey had taken a long time it was still too early for the school and so to get in the mood for things I stopped at a small cafe to buy some breakfast. To blend in I put on my Pearly King outfit and did the Lambeth Walk up to the counter. "Morning Princess" I chortled. "I reckon I'll be having me jellied eels and a mug of Rosie Lee, I perishing will. All together now WE'LL MEET AGAIN, DUM-DEE-DUM, DUM-DEE-DUMMMMM! Cor, luv a duck, them luftwaffe couldn't stop us, eh? Eh?" The Greek owner of the cafe looked at me in stoney silence. "Cup tea and a bacon roll please." I mumbled.

Nelson Junior is HUGE. It is a massive old Victorian building rising to four floors and has a main assembly hall on the first three floors. For once, the lovely Jo Dalton was not with us - she was now a Year 6 teacher and so I was left in the kind hands of Humaira Begum, an absolutely delightful lady. It was a big group, about 120 children and some of them were very challenging, but the day was fun, loud and full of laughs. After a fabulous lunch we had a brief jousting tournament, then a sing song and then a banquet for the children and me. Great fun! The jousting was very loud and exciting and ended with yet another win for the ladies. This brings the score to:

GENTLEMEN 6 - 12 LADIES

I went back to Basildon to see Amanda and James again - we had some lovely fish and chips to finish off the cockney motif to a tee. I then hit the road and headed back to Somerset. I got in about 10pm and slept like a log, but with less bark and wood worm. Tomorrow I am back off to Dunster School.

Nelson Primary, East Ham

Last year, at about this time, I attempted to visit Nelson Primary School in East Ham. I encountered appalling traffic and eventually my car decided to die on me and I never got there. It was a mortifying experience. After letting them down so badly you could imagine Nelson Primary never contacting me ever again, but give them their due they are nothing if not persistent. They booked me again. Determined not to get way laid by appalling traffic and even more appalling cars I vowed to leave as early as possible to give me the best chance of getting there in one piece.

I was driving to East Ham from Basildon (well, someone has to) and even though my sat nav said "only 25 minutes" I gave myself nearly two hours to get there. I am mighty glad I did. The A13 was DREADFUL. Two car crashes along the way, closed lanes and snaking traffic all led up to the actual journey taking me an hour and a quarter rather than the 25 minutes expected. As I was so early I popped into a local cafe near Nelson Primary for a bacon and sausage roll and a cup of tea. Very nice it was too.

Nelson Primary? What a school! Fantastic old Victorian building, massive and intimidating looking but packed to the rafters with wonderful sparky children in some fabulous home made Tudor outfits. The teachers were as ever hugely welcoming and fun to be with, especially the hugely wonderful, but petitely packaged Jo Dalton who was as charming, fun and professional as ever. The day seemed to shoot past in a flash, with lots of laughs and fun and ended early with another rip roaring joust which the ladies justifiably won with a quite brilliant display of controlled skill and speed. We then went for a Tudor banquet after that, complete with tankards of apple juice, apple pies, baked apples and probably even more apples. Wonderful stuff!

This weekend, I am at Barrington Court again for the Mistletoe Festival and then next week I am back off down to Dunster on Monday to see Nicola and co, and then off to the Maynard in Exeter to see Keagh and co. After that Leeds Castle and the spectre of Father Christmas rears his head again...

A Banquet at Awbridge near Romsey

I was invited today to go along to Awbridge Primary School in the village of Awbridge near Romsey in Hampshire to attend a banquet! The teacher from this school who had recommended and booked me is friends with little Jo, the charming teacher from Nelson Primary in East Ham. Its a small World sometimes.

I drove down and arrived slightly later than I wished, mainly due to the horrendous traffic in Salisbury town centre (as I remember all too well from my time working for Skandia Life in Southampton). The school was lovely and the teachers very welcoming. I quickly changed and was taken through to the main hall where the children were waiting for me all seated round a big table and in some fantastic costumes. As they got stuck into their chicken legs, rolls and apple pastries, I regailed them with some nice horrid Tudor stories and did some of my usual routine. I then played them some tunes on my dordrecht recorder, and then wandered round the table chatting to the children. They had also brought along some fiendish questions to ask me, and I did my best to answer them. Then the children played me some of their own compositions on their recorders, sang me a wonderful song and then displayed their Tudor dancing skills. Great stuff! I was then given a guided tour of the school by some of the children, met all the other children in the different classes (Hello Harry and your blue painting in year 1!). Then it was back to the hall for another demonstration of their Tudor dance skills, and then it was time for me to go. The two hours had just flown by!

I drove back to Somerset, then popped into Crewkerne for a haircut and some more shopping, and then got myself ready for our visit to my sister in Wales.