Hampton Court? No I just sat down too quickly...

Good King Hal having a quick pas de deux.  The filthy beast.

I had waited a long time to do a gig at Hampton Court Palace.  It was one of those venues that just never seemed possible.  OK it is a closed shop to re-enactors.  You have to be top top chums with the company Past Pleasures and be prepared to work for their starvation wages most of the time.  I speak with some experience on this matter as I had auditioned for Past Pleasures some years back and was horrified by the paltry sum they offered me to work for them.  "Think of the kudos of working at Hampton Court!" Their boss had said.  Yes, think of my bank balance, I replied.  And so it seemed it would never happen.  But then the most unlikely of white-charger-riding-heroes swept out of the sunset.  BP are probably better known for crashing oil tankers on to rocks in Alaska or making obscene amounts of profit every year, but their Indirect Procurement Department (no, me neither.  Not a scooby.) had booked me to attend their "Town Hall" meeting day, which just happened to be at Hampton Court Palace.  I had asked along Sarah Morris, lovely Tudor Lady and top author on the subject, to join me as Queen for the day.  She was happy to oblige.  

I had booked at hotel right next to Hampton Court and drove up on the Sunday night as I thought it might be nice and quiet.  WRONG.  WRONG WRONG WRONG.  This was the Sunday night after a half term holiday.  The A303 was packed tighter than Robert Plant's spandex pants at an early 70's Led Zepp concert.  I spent a good hour sitting in the darkness that should have been Stonehenge, surrounded by huge 4x4 vehicles packed full of sour faced little school age f*ckers with i-Pads, playing Minecraft, or Candy Crush Saga, or watching Miley Cyrus do something really outrageous like write a decent song by herself and leave her pants on for once.  That would be nice.

I got to the King's Arms Hotel and met up with Sarah.  I nearly managed to embarrass myself early on by using the loo in my room, then deciding to wash my hands, I turned on the tap and was hammered in the crotch with a tsunami-like explosion of water which made me look like I had lost complete control of my bodily functions.  The next five minutes were spent in my room with the hair dryer trying to remove the offending stain marks.  We had a lovely dinner - I had  a wild mushroom and truffle risotto, with Parmesan shavings, and a pint of Hall and Woodhouse Badger ale.  Smashing.  I slept like a baby on a small bed that made alarming farting noises every time I moved.

Sarah and I had breakfast and then made our way round to Hampton Court.  We were in the Garden Room round the back of the Palace and were warmly reminded not to wander round the front should we upset any of the Past Pleasures slaves.... I mean actors.  It was generally a fun day - mostly me introducing the speakers, some of whom were funny and inspiring and others, such as their IT bod who needed beheading after only two minutes but insisted on giving his full.....well, I don't know how long.  It honestly felt like a lifetime.  Wonderful.  We'd had to get changed into our clobber in the cafe next door to where we were, so that involved us both going into the small gents and ladies to get our gear on properly.  I had finished when I got the call from the ladies that Sarah needed me in there to lace her in.  Now any top student of doubles entendres or any just voyeuristic tendencies, should have had a look in at that point.  We had Sarah, semi robed in her Tudor gowns, leaning on her hands bent over the sink in the ladies, as I stood close up behind her, two cords of cloth in hand, with her shouting out:  "DO ME UP MIKE!  AND DO IT HARD!"  Ooh er!  People don't realise how much I suffer in this job - here I was with Sarah Morris, who lets face it folks, is drop dead gorgeous, half undressed in Tudor undies, while I have to physically and forcefully lace her into her body hugging bodice.  What I did, I did in the name of Tudor Historical accuracy.  But I did have to have a cigarette afterwards.
Well BP treated us like Royalty, how else?  They fed and watered us splendidly, we took part in the whole day, helping out with the team quizzes and with me introducing all the speakers and posing for photos with most of the delegates.  We finished at about 4.30pm and Sarah and I were away just after 5pm.  The roads down to the M25 were horrendous, but the actual London orbital generally quiet.  I was soon at Amanda's house to see her and James, but they were out rehearsing their new play, but more of that later!
On the Wednesday I was up in Norfolk, in Norwich for a first appearance at Lionwood School.  I had been recommended by one of the teachers who had previously witnessed me doing my "thing" at Falcon Junior some years ago.  Lionwood was a brilliant school - great fun, some really cool teachers and cracking kids.  They had no idea I was coming, the children that is!  And their surprise on my first appearance was very edifying.  The joust came down to a very closely fought final, which was finally won by a very good Ladies team.  Our score goes to:

GENTLEMEN 7.5 - 10.5 LADIES

Once more daylight appears between them, what can the gents do?  It is funny how the ladies just keep on winning.  That's life I suppose.
On the Thursday evening I was at the Mirren Studio in the Towngate Theatre in Basildon to watch The Thalians Theatre Group and their production of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol".  My lovely son James was in it as a street urchin, and also the little lad who Scrooge gets to go and get the turkey at the end of the play.  And Amanda was cast as one of the old crones who strips Scrooge's flat after his death.  They were both absolutely brilliant, the whole cast was.  You had to keep reminding yourself it was an amateur production.  But it was truly wonderful, great sets, lovely costumes, great actors and a genuinely creepy Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.  Amanda and James are truly bitten by the bug and have both put their names forward for the next production - a version of Terry Pratchett's "Going Postal".  I'm ordering my tickets already.

Auditions, Falcons and Hedingham

To be honest, the Five Star reunion was not a raging success as one member of the group at least had really let himself go...

Some while ago, I had spent a great deal of my spare time trying to get on to the ITV quiz show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"  Well I clearly did, certainly considering the amount of time and effort I put into getting a longed for audition, but whatever the reason it was never to be and I was never called up to the studio and let things happen.  Roll on to modern times and there is a game show on daytime ITV at the moment called "Tipping Point", which revolves around this enormous version of one of the old coin waterfall games so splendidly popular in British seaside resorts down the years.  However, instead of a few pence or some crappy novelty toy that might occasionally fall out, for every coin you knock down on this programme, they give you £50 - and it soon adds up!  Answer a few not very challenging general knowledge questions and you can gain control of the machine and can, if luck is on your side, win up to £10,000.  I was watching an episode the other day and one of the questions a lady had was "which island is linked to the Welsh mainland by the Menai Straits Bridge?"  She thought long and hard before replying "The Isle of Man?"  Now that would be one hell of a length bridge.  Anyway, I made enquiries about getting on this show as I fancied winning some cash, found the production teams details and applied.  And LO!  It came to be that I was asked to come and audition for said "Tipping Point".  The time and date for this was on the Tuesday morning at 11am, and I had to get to West Kensington Village for this audition.  I caught the 7.30am train from Crewkerne and as I had booked the tickets on line and in advance I got cheap ones that meant I could bump myself up to 1st class for there and back and still pay less than the normal ticket price!  1st class was nice but I was amazed by the lack of leg room, Thai masseuse, chateu neuf de pap and beef wellington.
I caught a taxi from Waterloo to West Kensington Village and was soon at the production office for the audition.  I was greeted by several very blonde, perma tanned young men called "Tarquin" or some such, who I would imagine were fans of hi-energy disco and had an extensive knowledge of where to go to dance to it in north London.  I was with about 16 other people - first we had to take part in a general knowledge quiz which seemed relatively easy, then we had to stand in front of a camera and be interviewed and talk about ourselves, which as you know is not something that I struggle with.  And that was it!  I was soon back at Waterloo and then on the train back to Crewkerne.  It was a lot of travelling for a very short audition, but who knows.   Now I had to wait and see.
Wednesday I drove up to Essex to see my lovely son James and his Mummy, and all in readiness for a trip on the Thursday up to Norfolk and a visit to Falcon Junior.  I had horrendously double booked myself a couple of weeks ago, and the day I was at Bathampton I should have been at Falcon.  What a twit I was.  I apologised profusely and Falcon were kind enough to invite me back a few days later.  As you can imagine I got a lot of ribbing on my arrival with comments such as "decided to turn up today, have you?" or "remembered us this time, did you?"  But it was a lovely day with all the kids and the teachers.  Much fun was had by all. The final joust was astonishing - the boys were so far in front but somehow got stuck on the final quoit and could not collect it, allowing the ladies to toddle past and clinch an unlikely victory.  Our score then goes to:

GENTLEMEN 17 - 24 LADIES

I had a day or two at leisure before on the Sunday and Monday of the bank holiday heading up to Castle Hedingham in Essex for two days jousting with the Knights of Royal England and also with the lovely Tudor Roses in attendance as well.  We were blessed with the weather and had two lovely days with much laughter and fun.  It was nice to have my lovely son James at my side as my squire for the two days and he really seemed to get into the swing of things again.  This morning we are heading down to Kent to Leeds Castle for some more jousting.  I am only there for the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, so if anyone is trying to avoid me, go and see the jousters on the Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  You can't say I don't give you good advance warning.  Alas this morning the weather has broken and it looks like we'll be jousting in the shallow end again.

Falcon School, Norwich

Good King Hal, known as "The Tudor Pelvis", rocking through yet another rendition of "Hound Dog" to a stunned audience of easily distracted midgets.  Surely there must be a law against this sort of thing.

Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.  It gladdens the soul, folks, it really does.  But I won't mention it much more in this blog.  Honest.  I had driven to Essex on Sunday as a staging post for the next part of this journey to this show - onwards up to Norwich on the Monday morning for a return visit to Falcon School.  One of my friends on Facebook got terribly upset when she realised that Falcon School was just that - a school and not, as she had thought, a school for Falconry.  I promised to get it introduced on the curriculum as soon as is Kingly possible.

The pouring rain which has highlighted our drought over the past few weeks (eh?) had finally given way, and on waking in the wee small hours of Monday I was delighted to see the beginnings of a sunrise.  This made the morning drive up very pleasant indeed, and even at an early hour it was warming up nicely.  To be honest, for someone who was going to spend the whole day in furs and heavy clothing, it was warming up a bit too much.  I was warmly welcomed with a cup of tea and even a hug from one teacher!  It was a bigger group than in previous years at Falcon - just under 100 children in three classes.  Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.  Ah!  It just sounds better each time you mention it, doesn't it?  Today's show was just one of those days when everything goes right.  It was a lovely group of children, great teachers and everyone got really involved.  Loads of laughs and also some very impressive Tudor knowledge, one little girl scoring a rare 20 out of 20 in the Tudor quiz. 

Lunch was an ice hockey puck and chips.  Sorry, lunch was a BEEFBURGER and chips, and it filled a void, though when it did go in my mouth a big bell rang out, organ music played and loads of very fat Americans started waving flags and shouting.  (This is a joke BTW).  Meanwhile, Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.  And does anybody even care what a Rock Hyrax is?  I do.

The afternoon session was hilarious, loads of laughs, and one of the teachers let slip that one of the others is on the verge of emigrating to New Zealand which apparently the children weren't supposed to know.  Oops!  That is the sort of thing I do normally, so it was nice to see someone else putting their foot in it.  In the joust, one of the gents teams had this young lad in it who frankly hadn't got a clue what he was doing. He just randomly prodded at quoits in whichever direction he felt like at the time, and then wandered aimlessly between the quintaines as the crowd howled at him to get on with the race.  Somehow his team reached the final against the ladies team, but he put in a similarly bewildered performance in the final which allowed a very good ladies team to romp to a deserved victory.  Our score now goes up to a very one sided:

GENTLEMEN 14 - 26 LADIES

They are getting away now.  It is not as close as Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0, but it is just as joyful.  Almost as joyful as watching Sir Alex "Complete and Utter ****" Ferguson losing the plot midway through the second half when his team couldn't win.  I was very sympathetic.  I only laughed for 38 minutes.  And then a further 25 minutes.  Right, the King is off down to Folkestone tomorrow to see his agent, then back to Somerset for a return visit to the delightfully named Hugh Sexey School in Wedmore.

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it....  Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.

BBC Somerset & Falcon School (+ TGI Friday's!)

Good King Hal showing some delighted children how to push two attacking dwarfs away, should they come at you unexpectedly.

When all the excitement of the Royal Wedding finally abated, life got back to normal. Except if you're called Osama Bin Laden, but then I suppose he was the only Bin taken out over the bank holiday weekend (Ba-doom-tish! I thank you, I am here all week folks). My first port of call after the long weekend was back to Taunton and a visit to the studios of BBC Somerset for another appearance on Emma Britton's show. I was a little "ahem" delicate after a ferocious struggle with a bottle of Shiraz the night before, so I reckon I must have cut something of an Oliver Reed figure as I lumbered in through their front door. I was on the panel this morning with the manager of the Octagon Theatre in Yeovil, who seemed like a very nice chap, and even took one of my cards, so you never know. Our main discussions were about the Yes and No campaign for the AV voting system, and the death of Bin Laden and was it now time for Allied forces to return from Afghanistan. So a real laugh a minute as you can guess.

After finishing on the show I then drove up to Essex to spend the evening with Amanda and James, before my Henry show on the Wednesday at Falcon Junior School in Sprouston in the suburbs of Norwich. It was lovely to see Amanda and James, I offered to take them out for a meal - James' idea of culinary excellence is Pizza Hut, but I have to admit Mummy and I were completely Hutted out by now and so we told him a little white lie and said it was closed for decoration. We didn't travel that much further up the food chain to be honest and chose instead to take James to TGI Friday's at Festival Leisure Park in Basildon, or Bas Vegas as it is affectionately referred to by the locals. We actually had a superb meal, but you could honestly hear your arteries hardening as you ate. On the table behind us, a family of well tattooed parents were settling their child in a high chair. She must only have been about a year old at most - and already with double pierced ears. Classy. James and Amanda finished off with massive ice creams in Knickerbocker glory glasses! Smashing.

I was up at the crack of dawn for the drive up to Norfolk. It was really pleasant - a bright, sunny, piercingly cold morning. The dazzling early morning sun soon raised the temperatures, but there was enough northerly wind to cool things down a little. Falcon School is a marvellous place - I love visiting there. You always get really cool children and lovely teachers. It was the last time I shall see a couple of the lovely ladies I usually see - they are both retiring in the summer, it really won't be the same without them. The group of children, about 75 of them, started off quietly, but as the morning wore on they got more and more excited and the afternoon was a riot - loads of laughs all round and everyone seemed to really enjoy it! The jousting was a cracker, two very good teams, but as ever it seems, the ladies stormed to a fantastic and well deserved victory. This now makes the score:

GENTLEMEN 21 - 27 LADIES

They are really starting to get away again. Come along gents! Do it for all mankind!

I had a nice evening with Amanda and James, being thrashed on Mario Kart by my son, who returned from school this day to announce he had won a long jump competition in his year. This must be in his genes as his (and my) cousin is none other than Lynn "The Leap" Davies who won Olympic Gold in the long jump in Tokyo in 1964. We then blew James' mind a bit further by letting him know his other distant cousin through me (Lily Cole) was appearing in Doctor Who this weekend. This was almost too much information for an 8 year-old brain to handle, but I think he will enjoy the episode when he sees it!

I drove back to Somerset this morning. The only two things of note to happen on the journey was a 20 minute hold up on the M3 after a particularly nasty looking pile up that necessitated the attendance of the air ambulance. Then when I stopped for fuel on the A303 I had to endure one of my pet hates - when you are paying for your stuff you get the next customer behind you coming up and standing next to you at the counter. That really pisses me off when people do this - can't they just step a couple of paces back? Give you a bit of room? This is one of the few times I am glad I am large enough to appear on ordnance survey maps. You wait till they are particularly close, then step back, crushing your heel onto their big toe. They don't half move a bit sharpish then! Of course you can then say "Oh, sorry mate, didn't realise you were standing so STUPIDLY close to me!" Leaving out the STUPIDLY bit of course, much as I would love to leave it in.

Next stop? Tomorrow a return visit to the splendidly named Hugh Sexey Middle School at Wedmore in Somerset. Fun!

Falcon Junior, Sprowston, Norfolk

Good King Hal just about to reveal who ate all the pies.

Now you can really tell that spring is on it's way. This is nothing to do with sap rising or other such sauciness, but much more to do with the fact that if I have to get up at the crack of dawn for a drive up to Norfolk, like I did this day, that outside is not pitch dark. There is a hint of sunrise as I walked out to the car in beautiful downtown Basildon and begin the long trek up to Norwich. It was a really pleasant drive this morning with the only gripe being that on the A147, which is nearly all single carriageway, the only section of dual carriageway (about two miles worth to the south of Norwich) was inevitably being dug up, and so I was stuck behind the same lorry for a long time!

The school itself was a delight as ever. Kind teachers, a lovely atmosphere, brilliantly excited children and very good facilities. They have had an artist in residence in the past and his touch is seen throughout Falcon School. There is a clever and informative time line that runs around the main hall I was in, co produced by the artist at the children at the school. There is a big colourful outside mural of a cascade of cartoon like fish that moves in the wind in a very agreeable way. Best of all is a large indoor mural celebrating the school's now (sadly) defunct marching band and their frequent foreign tours. All of this lends a magical colourful touch to an already excellent school.

We had a great morning, lots of laughs, particularly with my mate Pierce who guffawed heartily throughout. Lunch was delicious and partaken within the very friendly atmosphere of the staff room. The afternoon seemed to shoot past at a great rate and ended with a pounding, pulsating jousting tournament which, almost inevitably the ladies won again! This now makes the score:

GENTLEMEN 13 - 23 LADIES

A ten point lead!

My trip home was thankfully easy and free from any exploding tyres this time. I had a quick bite to eat with Amanda and James, got thrashed a few times at Mario Kart by James on the Wii and then drove back to Somerset. Tomorrow, I was interviewing Andy Partridge from XTC! I hoped I could sleep OK that night.