A Bit of a Pickle

Good King Hal and Natalie Dormer show you how "that" scene in The Tudors would have looked like if it had taken place indoors, on a boat, and with clothes on.

Sometimes life goes past so fast that if you blink, you can miss some of it.  That is how this last week has felt to be brutally honest.  No sooner had the two days in Bristol gone last week, then I was getting ready for a visit down to my place from the lovely Shelley, and Sir Owen of Leeds Castle.  They arrived on the Friday afternoon, mainly to see me, but also to come along to the annual Chut Fest at Barrington Court, to which I had been invited again by the splendid Matthew Applegate.  As ever the whole of Chut Fest was a roaring success - very busy with plenty of interested punters wandering around sampling Chutneys, Jams and Pickles, and much fun to be had with Matthew, Rachel Brewer and everyone else.  Shelley and Owen stayed over until Monday morning when we went on our separate ways with me heading off to Romford in Essex for an afternoon at a school, and Shelley and Owen off back home to Maidstone.

My afternoon was at Broadford School in Harold Hill, which is the Latin quarter of Romford.  I had previously visited this school in 2009 for a full day, but I had managed to remember where the site was, so I felt quietly confident when I arrived.  Nope, confidence might have been a bit misplaced - the reception area was partially boarded up and visitors were encouraged to go to the new building.  I couldn't find the new building and it was hammering down with rain.  This was beginning to be a bit of a pain.  I saw a lady with a push chair and asked her where the new school was, and she patiently pointed out the obvious and massive new build behind the old school house.  Oh, THAT school.  I drove round to a big side entrance to the car park on the side of the new school building.  I got out in the pouring rain and pushed the buzzer entry on the gates.  There was no reply, so I pressed it again.  Still no reply.  By now I was virtually soaked to the skin, so I had one last hopeless go with the bell and was delighted to get a reply.  Soon I was in and drying off in a very welcoming staff room, along with a warming cup of tea.  It was a fun afternoon with a combined group of years 3 and 4, with just an opening talk and music from Henry and then a loud and exciting jousting tournament.  It was a very closely fought final between two very good teams, but I had to disqualify the Gents team in the final as one of their riders only collected three quoits before returning to base and handing on to the next team member.  This brought out score back to:

GENTLEMEN 3 - 3 LADIES

So any advantage the gents had has already slipped away.  Normal service now resumed?  We shall see.  I spent the Monday night with my lovely son James in Basildon, desperately trying to convince him of the positives and advantages of an early night.  He didn't seem to get the message.  I personally had to go to bed early as I was up and out of the front door at the crack of dawn the next day.

So the Tuesday dawned with me heading back to dear old St Cecillia's School in North Cheam in Surrey - this was my 10th year of visiting this lovely school and it was, as ever as pleasure and delight to be back there.  The journey down was hard work, with the M25 being in an absolute pig of a mood with stacked up cars and drizzly lousy weather.  I eventually arrived at St Cecillia's and was warmly welcomed by the caretaker (with yet ANOTHER new car) and all the other staff members, nearly all of whom said "is it another year already?"  It was a group of about 60+ children, all of whom were in fantastic costumes, as were the teachers.  What can I say about St Cecillia's which I haven't already said in previous blog entries about this school?  It was a superb day as ever, plenty of laughs and warm friendliness from all the staff and children.  The final joust was predictably loud and exciting and, with one poor little lad having a bit of a melt down in the final, it was left to a ladies team to walk away unopposed with the title.  The score clicks inexorably on to:

GENTLEMEN 3 - 4 LADIES

So there is something faintly familiar about how the scores are starting to turn.  I drove from North Cheam back down to Maidstone to spend another evening with Shelley.  We had a lovely day out in Maidstone (it is possible, honest) on the Wednesday, before I drove back to Somerset that evening.  I was home just after 11pm, but I had to be up early again as I was back on BBC Somerset the following morning as they were broadcasting live from Montacute House near Yeovil and I was on their tour bus as a special guest.  Emma Britton wasn't available as she was on leave and so the show was run by Vernon Harfield instead, who obviously has designs on being the next Jeremy Paxman.  And he is ALMOST there, he just needs to get his nose and sense of moral outrage a bit more pronounced.

I am now full of cold and considering an early night, or death.  To be honest, the way I feel at the moment, either would do.

Bourne Hall, Epsom

One of these two men is a highly successful actor and voice-over artist. The other is dressed as Henry VIII.

Bourne Hall, Epsom in Surrey. What does this name conjure up for you? Some old Victorian hall, or stylish Georgian edifice? Surrounded by sculpted lawns and with an elegant sweeping driveway... Eh? WRONG. The site that greeted me when I pulled up in the car park after my long drive up from Somerset was what appeared to be a recently landed flying saucer of the retro late-60's look. I half expected the front door to slide open amidst clouds of dry ice and Klaatu to step out and start frying cars with his death ray. I was TERRIBLY disappointed when he didn't, but then Michael Rennie has been dead for a long time now. Ahem. I feel I am getting away from the point of this blog. Silly me.

I had been contacted by Bourne Hall via the charming people at Portals to the Past. Bourne Hall is a wedding venue, museum, library, social centre, meeting place and also contains within it's bowels a very nice function room with stage, dance floor and space for about 300 seats. I was informed by David Brooks from the museum that this very hallowed hall where I was about to perform was where Steps auditioned originally and was also where Posh Spice herself had performed as a youngster. I offered to burn down the building to cover up this terrible revelation, but Mr Brooks declined. I was to do two of my Henry's Horrid History presentations and a bit of jousting - one show in the morning and one after lunch. We had good turn outs for both talks - about 50 people for the first and a few more for the afternoon session. I got my timing all wrong in the first show - finished the jousting and said "thank you and goodbye!" as David Brooks ran hurriedly over and gabbled "you've got another 30 minutes to do!" So I did another 30 minutes. Naughty Henry. I was much more professional for the second show. With this we were treated to the appearance of the local Mayor, a lovely lady, who turned out in her full ceremonial robes. For once I felt slightly under dressed as Henry, but I did get a good laugh when she first arrived halfway through my second talk in her fancy gear and funny hat, as I shouted "MUMMY!" very loudly.

Bourne Hall is a lovely, wonderful place with a really nice little museum. Give it a visit if you're in the area. I finished at about 3pm and was on the road by about 4pm. I got home by about 6.30pm and had a wonderful evening as Manchester United got beaten by Wigan, and Manchester City thrashed West Brom. That put a lovely smile on the King's face!

You can catch up with the King again this Sunday with a walkabout appearance at Sudeley Castle in Gloucestershire. See you there!

St Cecillia's RC School, North Cheam

Good King Hal (right) showing what a rufty-tufty little sausage he is by simply laughing away being run through the shoulder with a bloody big lance. Mind you, he cried like a big girly when they tried to pull it through from the other side...

It seems there was something about my Mazda car that I didn't realise. Apparently on the bonnet, as you are driving along on the motorway, there is a big neon sign that says "go on, it's only a Mazda, it can't be going as fast as it seems to be, pull out in front of it without signalling, you'll be alright!", and it is only visible to BMW drivers. It happened about eight bloody times up the M3 and also during my brief drive along the M25 yesterday. One woman in a dirty big five-series BMW did it to me TWICE. I had been overtaking her and she had pulled out without signalling, causing me to brake sharply and offer her some choice advice on her parentage. After stopping for fuel at Fleet Services I carried on up the road only for the same stupid cow to do it again! I wish I was rich enough to be a motor car version of the Sea Shepherd (radical environmentalist who attacks Japanese whaling ships). I'd get some harmless looking vehicle, a Morris Traveller or something, I'd beef up the front of the car with about a ton of pre-stressed concrete, pop a Saturn V rocket engine under the bonnet and then target arrogant BMW drivers, which basically covers pretty much all of them. Every time one of the smug gits pulls out in front of me I can simply stick my toe down and slice their teutonic bourge-mobiles in half. Oh, the power! There, I feel better now...

Back to the Henry day... This was, like Blean School the other week, my SEVENTH visit to St Cecillia's RC School in North Cheam, Sutton in Surrey. I had got up at 4am and was on the road with the jolly BMW drivers by 4.30am. I arrived at the school at about 7am and was welcomed in by the friendly caretaker with a very much needed cup of tea. It was another great day at this lovely school - the children were all dressed in brilliant costumes, as were the teachers and teaching assistants. Everything about the day was good, with only one slight change of plan for the afternoon. I had been contacted the day before to be told that the year group I was seeing (Year 4) were due for a visit from a Gaelic Football Teacher in the afternoon and would be going off for a lesson with him. So I would be running the jousting tournament twice as at any one time one half of the year group would be with me, whilst the other half would be off being taught Gaelic Football. I wasn't sure how you teach Gaelic Football. "KICK IT FURTHER!" "RUN!" "HURT HIM!" "DON'T PUNCH HIM LIKE THAT, PUNCH HIM LIKE THAT!" Mind you, you could say the same about me making them take part in a jousting tournament.

The jousts were both very loud and very exciting and were both won by... THE LADIES! This now makes our score:

GENTLEMEN 2 - 2 LADIES

All square again. The next tournament will be tomorrow when I am up at Dean Close Prep School in Cheltenham again.

St Cecillia's, North Sutton, Surrey

On re-reading my blog from years gone by I realise how boring I am. I use the same jokes over and over and over. Check out my previous write ups about visits to St Cecillia's School in Sutton in Surrey. Every single time I say "you wouldn't want to try and say that with a lisp!" And here I am typing it again. I promise I will NEVER, EVER repeat that joke. Not until I do the same school again next year, obviously.

After the rigours of the Chut Fest over the weekend it was a bit of a shock when my alarm went off at 4.30am. I was up showered, shaved and shomething elshe and out of the front door by 5am. The early part of the drive was fine as it was on the A303 which was mostly deserted, but as soon as I got to the M3 it all changed. Even at 6.30am it was packed. How can people do this every single day of their lives? Things were made worse by lots of roadworks, so I had the distinctly odd feeling of actually being glad to see the M25 when I got there.

It was nice to be back at St Cecillia's. It is amazing, but this lovely little school in North Cheam is the school I have visited the most since becoming Henry VIII full time. This was my 6th visit in total. As ever it was a very friendly welcome from everyone, from the lovely caretaker onwards. The children had all dressed in fantastic costumes and were a delight to talk to - even if they were a little quiet in comparison with some of the groups I have worked with at St Cecillia's in the past. The afternoon was a real riot of fun and games, and the jousting was of a very high standard. And the result - I know you are all waiting for that. Well.... the ladies romped to ANOTHER victory. This now makes the score a quite remarkable:

GENTLEMEN 0 - 4 LADIES

Come on, Gents! This is just not good enough. Let's see how things pan out tomorrow. I have another very early morning start as I am off up to Balliol Lower School in Kempston again for a third visit. Should be fun, if tiring!