Once More Unto the Travelodge...

You wouldn't believe that two days of this drove a couple of people in a Medway town almost psychotically angry.  But it did!

I was at my parents in Wales from the Tuesday evening until just after lunch on the Sunday.  It sounded like ages when I first arrived.  A near whole week of being spoilt by my lovely parents - how wonderful.  And suddenly... WHOOSH, it was gone.  Where did that go?  In what felt like a blink of an eye my time had gone and I was back on the road again.  I'd had a lovely time with my folks, had dinner with them again up at the wonderful Flat Rock Cafe in the delightfully named Gwber, I'd wandered round various antiques shops to my utmost delight and even gawped at a few Estate Agents windows and some of the lovely houses in the area.  While I was in Wales my sister, down at Cynwyl Elfed, had a nasty surprise when BOTH of her kittens, now a few months old, went missing at the same time.  Not a sign of them was to be found.  My sister was absolutely devastated and there were many tears shed for these poor cats.  But then, on the Sunday, just as I was about to leave Wales, a call came through to my parents from my sister saying one of the cats had turned up, safe and sound.  At least they got one back.  Funnily enough, I have just got off the phone to my sister who has let me have the joyous news that the second kitten has turned up safe and sound - hungry and dusty, so obviously been locked in somewhere, but none the worse for his ordeal.  God, I love a happy ending.

So back to Sunday afternoon and my drive away from my folks.  My next two days were going to be in Hereford and Coleford, neither of them a million miles apart.  I was booked into the inevitable Travelodge, this time just south of Hereford City centre on the A49.  The drive over to there took me through the infamous "Heads of the Valleys" road, usually only ever mentioned on BBC travel news when there has been some horrendous multi-vehicle pile up, with resulting soiled underpants, or when it has been closed due to inclement weather conditions, and more soiled underpants.  The weather wasn't too awful on Sunday afternoon, just sort of bloody miserable - glowering skies, constant though not heavy rain and everything appeared grey damp and horrible.  Finally, snaking up towards Hereford, the countryside opened up into pleasant rolling hills and quaint villages.  I found my Travelodge, this time in the form of a converted barn, would you believe.  I was booked in by a very nervous looking young lady (who only appeared to be about 12 years old) and settled myself in my cell.

The drive to Riverside School in Hereford the next morning wasn't exactly taxing.  I hadn't realised just how close I was to the school - 1.6 miles it turned out in the end!  Riverside is a fabulous school, a really lovely ultra modern site, with some very artistic murals painted for the children throughout the building, showing various fantasy characters from popular children's fiction.  It was a nice group of three year 4 classes today, some of who were a bit more... erm... taxing than others.  But they were sparky, fun, excitable and ready to laugh.  We had a fine morning, but I was starving!  I forgot to get any breakfast in the morning and by midday when we broke for lunch I could have eaten a scabby donkey and chips.  I went to see the dinner ladies and was told in no uncertain terms to come back at 12.45 pm when they'd finished serving the children.  So I sat in the staff room, surrounded by teachers scoffing away on sandwiches, salads, curry's and tried desperately to stop my stomach from sounding too much like Mount Etna just before eruption.  It finally got to 12.45 and I wandered back to the kitchens.  They were washing up and putting everything away.  Any food left?  I asked.  No, was the answer.  Great.  But she could rattle me up a cheese roll.  She could have handed me a dog turd on a stick by this point and I would have eaten it.  The cheese roll was duly scoffed, and I was back to being Henry and still hungry.  The afternoon was great fun and finished with a wonderful jousting tournament in which an incredibly cocky gents team got smashed to smithereens in the final by a very good ladies team.

GENTLEMEN 11.5 - 19.5 LADIES

Too easy!  I loaded up the car and made the short jaunt back to the Travelodge.  Now, next door to the hotel, cheek by jowl so to speak, was a pub/restaurant called the Grafton Inn.  I was still haunted by the cheese roll at lunch and complete lack of breakfast, and so decided to do something about it.  And, boy did I.  I had a lovely meal of calamari and King Prawns with a sweet chili dip, followed by a delicious gammon steak, served with two exquisitely poached eggs.  I washed this down with a very agreeable bottle of Merlot.  It was a very merry, slightly sloshed King Hal who staggered the 50 feet back to his hotel room after that.  I slept very well...

Tuesday found me on my way back to Coleford in the Forest of Dean and a ninth appearance at Coalway Junior School.  Such a lovely school again, it was a delight to be back.   I was warmly welcomed by all the usual faces and the exquisitely named Rhiannon Bunn, teacher of one of the Year 4 groups today.  We had a really fun day all round, I was treated Royally and didn't even have to beg for a cheese roll.  I was given a fantastic tuna baguette with a massive side salad, which went down a treat.  The afternoon galloped past at a rapid rate and finished with another damn fine joust, but this time, just for a change the Gents finally won a race.  Thank God for that.

GENTLEMEN 12.5 - 19.5 LADIES

It is still very one-sided but that does help a little.

I am off to Essex tomorrow to see my lovely little boy, then on Friday I am back at White Woman Lane School in Norwich for another visit there - again probably about my ninth!  Really looking forward to seeing my old friends. I then have a couple of meetings with film maker Doug Boulton and the writer Sarah Morris on Sunday, before heading back to Somerset on the Monday for a get together with the talented Judy Picton, my costume maker in Martock.  I might also fit in some time to see the beautiful Elaine - I can't wait!  Life is pretty good at the moment.  Just wish the weather would improve.

Back in the Saddle Again...

Good King Hal, moon walking his way past Leeds Castle in a valiant attempt to impress anyone who might be looking.

2013?  2013?  Weren't we all supposed to be blown to smithereens or something in 2012?   As I sit here in my concrete nuclear fall out shelter eating chunks of "Stormin' Norman's Re-Hydrated Southern Chicken" (Just like Mama used to re-hydrate it!) by the light of my re-chargeable lithium light emitting diode lamp, the quiet gurgle of my waste re-cycling tank my only accompaniment, I can't help feeling a little let down to be honest.  Also, I think I might have over-reacted to the threat our civilisation faced.  Still I am sure my landlord won't be too upset by the small changes I have made to my flat.  For all I know he will be delighted that I have added 3,000 tonnes of gamma ray proof lead sheeting and 6,000 tonnes of pre-stressed concrete roofing.  It all adds to the ambiance of my two bedroom flat.  And the rooftop mounted missile launching system has proved an absolute boon in keeping the grotty pigeons off my window frames, the filthy disease riddled feathery twats.

But seriously folks...  It IS 2013 and it was time for Henry VIII to hit the road again.  January 9th was my first day back in the tights and it was to be a return visit to Blackbrook School in Taunton, a school I had last visited about 4 years ago.  The reason being that on my last visit I was doing the show for a group comprised of years 3, 4 and 5 combined, and it was the same this day as well.  A group of about 130 children in total, and it was great to be back here doing the Tudor Show again.  Blackbrook was a delight - a big group, and a very enthusiastic group.  A lot of enjoyment and some great Tudor knowledge was shown by the pupils and we finished the day with the inevitable loud jousting tournament that a very good ladies team strolled to a comfortable victory.  This brought our score for the current educational year to:

GENTLEMEN 8 - 11 LADIES

So different year, same old result!  The weekend I nipped back briefly to Kent and Essex to spend some time with my lovely Shelley, and also to spend a day in the company of my darling little boy, James who is now unbelievably 10 years old.  Where does the time go?

Monday 14th saw me back to a school I have the delight of visiting every year.  St Paul's Junior is in Shepton Mallet and is a lovely school.  I am always made very welcome and today was no different.  Again it was a big group, about 130 children and they were very excitable and loud.  The morning passed very quickly and I ended it sitting in the dining hall eating some very nice sausages for lunch and chatting to some of the children who were enjoying the day.  Sure enough, with such a big group we had another deafening jousting tournament to finish the day with.  Much enthusiasm and skill was shown by the children and it culminated in yet ANOTHER victory for the ladies.  How do they keep doing it?  Our score clicks over to:

GENTLEMEN 8 - 12 LADIES

The gents are being slowly pulverised.  You sometimes wonder where their next victory is going to come from.

Tuesday 15th was a return visit to one of the schools I only ever get to visit every other year, as I do two year groups combined.  It was to Ashcott School just to the south west of Glastonbury that I was visiting.  It was a crisp clear morning, some vestiges of over night snow were on the roof of my car first thing.  The drive up towards Ashcott was lovely and the sweeping views down across Glastonbury town and the Tor rising majestically in the early morning sunshine was beautiful.  That view of the town and the mysterious looking Tor is still one of my favourite views in the whole of Somerset.  Ashcott School is a delight every time I visit, and this day was the same.  It is only ever a small group, just under 40 children this day, but their lack of numbers are more than made up for by their sheer enthusiasm and noise levels.  Mr Bryar the head teacher was a welcoming figure even if he does look young enough to almost be one of the pupils.  We had a superb day, a lovely shepherds pie lunch and a very close final to the jousting which was finally decided by me having to disqualify the gentleman's team as they just simply stacked up so many little faults and cheats!  So by default it was another win for the ladies.  The score now begins to look a bit ominous for the Gentlemen.  Where is their next win going to come from?

GENTLEMEN 8 - 13 LADIES

The drive home from Ashcott took me through Compton Dundon, a lovely little village that always reminds me of visiting it many years ago on various camping holidays with friends including Kevin Rowley, from Maldon in Essex.  Kevin always used to like one stone built shed you could see from the main road as you drove through Compton Dundon.  This particular shed had a wonderfully undulating roof ridge, where the elderly timbers sagged under the weight of the tiles across it.  As I drove through Compton Dundon after the show yesterday I looked out for this shed as I always do.... but, horror of horrors, it was gone!  Utterly destroyed!  Either by just simply collapsing under the weight of years, or possibly it might have been smashed by someone driving into it.  It was difficult to tell as I drove past.  Poor Kevin, he will miss it terribly I know....

And so, today, Wednesday 16th found me getting up on a very chilly iced up morning for a long drive up to Coalway Junior in Coleford in Gloucestershire.  This is another lovely school (I know I might sound like I am repeating myself here, but I have to be honest, pretty much all the schools I visit are genuinely lovely places) and almost as soon as I arrived I was whisked off to a side class room by some of the teachers I was working with today to be told that they were in the middle of an OFSTED inspection.  It had begun that morning and their first inclination of it taking part was a phone call to the school at 3pm on the previous day.  Well despite OFSTED's presence, we had a fine day.  About 90 children I would estimate and all full of enthusiasm for the Tudors and my presence.  There was much guffawing at some of my gags from the teachers present and a lovely day was had all round.  I hope OFSTED give them the glowing report they deserve, as Coalway Junior is a fabulous school.  The day finished for me and the children with another brain and senses numbing jousting tournament, and for once, and for the first time in 2013, it was great to see the Gents finally wining a tourney!

GENTLEMEN 9 -13 LADIES

Perhaps there is some hope for them after all.  Keep watching folks...

So I am now back in my nuclear fall out shelter, awaiting the Biblical fall of snow we have been promised on the electric wireless thingy.  Well, what was promised to be something like the movie "The Day After To Tomorrow" yesterday, the forecast is now down to little more than some airborne dandruff on Friday.  But we shall see, you never know.  It's a bit like jousting tournaments really - you just never know what you're going to get.

Coalway Junior, Coleford

Good King Hal on the first day of shooting Guy Ritchie's new movie "Lock Stocks Pillory and Two Smoking Leeches", shortly before getting a bit medieval and "tasty" on Little Danny Dyer. And who can blame him.

Gad, it's cold! Frost on my codpiece and all other extremities are a reminder that the winter has not quite finished with us yet. The week started on a warm note though when I drove down to Southampton on the Monday night with the promise of dinner cooked for me by my old ex-Skandia colleague, Lisa Head. She cooked a fabulous meal and finished it off with home made bizarrely flavour cup cakes. How bizarre, you ask? Chocolate and bacon. Yes... bacon. And do you know what? It really worked! Delicious. Just don't tell my Rabbi, or my dietitian. Tuesday was a day spent catching up on emails and paperwork (and sitting eating a sandwich and watching "Bargain Hunt" just don't tell everyone about my wild and exciting lifestyle).

But today was Wednesday and that meant one thing - up at the crack of dawn on a very crisp frosty morning for a drive up to Gloucestershire and a visit to Coalway Junior School in Coleford. This was my 8th visit to this lovely school, and as ever it was an absolute delight to come back. Coalway is, amazingly, exactly 100 miles from my flat - door to door, and I managed to arrive at their august portals at just after 8am this morning. It was bright and sunny by now, but piercingly cold. I was set up to go in the hall, the main idea being that the children would be sat down with their backs to me when I first went in the hall, then I could shout and make them all jump. And it worked a treat! The morning went swimmingly with a group of about 60 children, all of whom were hugely enthusiastic, apart from one young lady who spent the whole morning either sucking her thumb or with her hands clamped over her ears, but even she perked up a bit in the afternoon.

One of the best things about visiting Coalway is the teachers and staff - they are all absolutely lovely, and the lunch and tea breaks in the staff room are always loud and laughter filled, and today was no exception. The afternoon was even more hilarious and we had a visit from the local newspaper who took a pile of photos of the kids and myself mucking about with the stocks, and another set of me sitting with a little lad in wheelchair as he posed with some of the jousting equipment. As for the joust - rip-roaring stuff! Very loud, but not particularly close. A brilliant ladies team simply blew away the gents team. This makes the score look very ominous for the gents now. It says:

GENTLEMEN 11 - 18 LADIES

Is there no stopping them? Probably not, but watch this space for more updates and reports.

Finally, on a sad note, I would like to get all my friends and colleagues to send good thoughts and best wishes to my old friend Anne Edwards who I used to work with at The London Borough of Newham back in the late 80's. Anne is currently hospitalised after suffering a stroke and faces a long and difficult path back to good health again, so please if you know her or would just like to send good thoughts and prayers, if that is your bag, then please do. Many thanks.

Coalway Junior, Coleford

Good King Hal being inflated in front of Leeds Castle and with a bear behind. Ooh-er!

Sometimes you see interviews with actors, or comedians or even sportsmen, where they talk about being "in the zone". Now this often sounds like pretentious twaddle at it's most bumptious, but occasionally, very occasionally I get a brief glimpse of what they are talking about. Being "in the zone" basically means you are doing everything right without even really having the think about it. Which is about as far as you could possibly get if you are an Australian cricketer recently. Sorry, I really mustn't do that. Gloating is not a good thing to do - but it is tremendous fun. No, going back to being "in the zone", it is like when you are playing cricket and you hit a ball right off the sweet spot of the bat - you don't really feel a thing, all you are aware of is that you timed it perfectly, used very little effort and the ball is now rocketing away towards the boundary. Counter that when you slightly miss-time a shot and catch the ball on the toe of the bat....OW! Your arms will feel like you are having electric shocks passed through them for a few minutes to come! From doing Henry shows so often for the past 6+ years I know my patter and routine virtually backwards, but sometimes, like today, it just flows so much more easily. The jokes in it are timed to perfection, the audience gets it and goes with it and everything just dovetails so perfectly. Days like today don't come around very often, so you enjoy them while you can.

Coalway Junior is a delightful school in the small town of Coleford near Cinderford in the Forest of Dean. This was my seventh annual visit to this school and was far and away my best visit here and most enjoyable. It was a group of about 60 children, all charming, funny and a pleasure to talk to. The teachers were brilliant as well, joining in the silliness in the show with gusto and even chucking in a few heckles along the way, which made it all the more funny. Everything worked like a charm today. The jousting was amazingly exciting and would have been won by a very good Gents team if only their second rider forgot to keep his lance upright and managed to drop all the quoits he'd already picked up. This allowed the ladies to scuttle through and sneak an unexpected victory. This now makes our score:

GENTLEMEN 9 - 11 LADIES

So the ladies start to pull away. The drive back was OK, but through some fairly Biblical weather - howling winds and whipping rain.

Oh, and you know I was getting all celebratory the other week when the BBC finally put Sarah Kennedy out of our misery? Trust me for being cocky. Guess who they are going to replace her with? Vanessa Feltz. Early mornings are going to seem a lot darker all of a sudden... Next Henry show is the much postponed and delayed visit back to Knightwood Primary in Chandlers Ford in Hampshire on Wednesday.

Coalway Junior, Coleford and Many Happy Returns!

Good King Hal about to get his robes caught in a piece of fearsome looking farm machinery. (left)

The alarm went off at 5am. Not again! It would have been very, very easy just to turn it off and slip back into the arms of sleep - I had to really make myself get up on Thursday morning. The drive up to Coleford in the Forest of Dean is nearly always a pleasurable one as you travel through some wonderful countryside once you have escaped from the M5. I have been visiting Coalway Junior for the past five years, and Thursday it was my sixth visit to this wonderful place. It is almost like returning to a family with each visit as there are so many friendly welcoming faces. You have not in your entire life heard such a loud, funny, laughter filled staff room! And the children are pretty cool too. We had a lovely day, with plenty of laughs in the morning and the children really displaying a fine level of Tudor knowledge. Some of their designs for their coats of arms were staggeringly good!

After a nice tuna baguette and salad at lunchtime it was back into the main hall for more of the same silliness. Despite frequent interruptions from children going into the canteen for music lessons on a loud piano, everything went swimmingly. The jousting tournament was again of a quite brilliantly high standard. Two fine teams went head to head in the final, and after a poor start the gents pulled themselves into a slight lead, only for them to be reigned in by a quite fabulous ladies team who stormed to victory. Wonderful stuff. This now makes the score:

GENTLEMEN 12 - 18 LADIES

The ladies are starting to pull away again now. Come on Gents!

At home I treated myself to a venison steak for dinner, which was delicious. So what was the cause of this gluttonous levity? Well, today is February 26th and is my 43rd birthday! So I am celebrating this morning with a banana and strawberry smoothie, and I am now expanding my mind by watching The Jeremy Kyle Show. I know how to enjoy myself! Dinner tomorrow night with a load of friends and family to look forward to, at the Duke of York pub in Shepton Beauchamp. Lovely!

Coalway Junior, Coleford

Four years since I was first there, I was back at Coalway Junior in Coleford, Gloucestershire. Four years in a row I have visited this lovely school, and it just seems to get better and better!

The main teacher I was dealing with today was James Barrow, a fiercely proud Cardiff City supporter and so has a lot to shout about this year with their great FA Cup run. I wish I could say the same about Manchester City or Yeovil...

It was a group of about 55 children today and they were wonderful - as they always are at Coalway Junior! Some of them had obviously been very well taught and knew their Tudor history marvellously. It was very nice to be at Coleford for the first time not in rain! My previous three visits before this I am sure absolutely belted down each time!

The drive up was really lovely today in such bright sharp weather. I always love driving through Chepstow - admittedly it can be a bit of a bottleneck, but on a day like today it is hard to beat!

After a lovely roast dinner lunch we were back on for the Tudor crime and punishment trail, but not before I had been treated to a fine display of Tudor dance by one of the classes. The jousting was really closely contested and YET AGAIN the ladies walked off with the title with a quite brilliant display of teamwork. However the finest jouster was the second leg man of the Gents champs who could go professional should he wish - he was THAT good!

And now it is the Easter holidays - and I could do with the rest. See you at Barrington Court on the 19 April.