Newberries, please!

Good King Hal suddenly noticed Victoria Pendleton had finally found her way into the shower block.  Grabbing his loofah and a soap on a rope, he was arrested shortly afterwards.

Last year I made my first appearance at Newberries School in Radlett in Hertfordshire and from my recollections I can see that I had an appalling journey to the school mainly because of the dear old M25.  I'd already experienced the joys of this road on Saturday morning when I drove up from Somerset to Essex and got stuck in God-awful traffic in the road works at Clackett Lane in beautiful sunny Kent.  As ever when it finally cleared and you were on your way there was nothing to see, so I have no idea what caused the problem.  But back to Newberries - I was determined not to have a 45 minute journey turn into a 2 hour marathon like last year, so I set out bravely early at just before 6am.  I arrived at the front door of the school at 6.45am.  I think the word is "bugger".  So with approximately an hour and 15 minutes to kill sitting on my jacksy in a Mazda in a quiet suburban back road in Radlett, I would need to be at my most creative to keep my mind active in this predicament.  So I went to sleep.  Genius!

Luckily I woke up in time and as I went in I was greeted by the caretaker.  I couldn't remember him from last year, but he was bound to remember me.  "Who are you?  What do you want?" he said.  Smashing.  Er... Henry VIII?  Tudor Day?  Big fat unlovable ginger psychopath to entertain and educate your pupils?    Yes, he knew who Henry VIII was but he didn't know me - this was because he was a new caretaker, the previous one having obviously taken one look at me last year and realised that his life was now complete and had retired.  Ah, bless...  The teachers remembered me, thank goodness and I was treated like Royalty for the day.  It was only about 30 children from year 4 today, but they had all made strenuous efforts with their costumes and were very enthusiastic about the day which was brilliant.  The morning went by with few hold ups and much laughter.

Lunch was fish goujons followed by some delicious fresh fruit.  Back to Tudor times and laughs aplenty with the stocks/pillory before we went into the jousting.  First up was a ladies race... well, words fail me.  I have been travelling round as Henry VIII for nearly 10 years now and done close to 1,000 shows, each one with a jousting tournament at the end.  In all that time, I have never seen two such utterly incompetent ladies teams.  Quintaines were knocked over,  quoits went flying and hysterics were had.  At first the teacher (Sue Rolfe) and I, laughed openly, but it went on and on and on and on, until our laughter ceased and we just looked on in silent amazement.  Eventually one of the teams staggered over the winning line and qualified for the final.  The two gents teams were brilliant and fought tooth and nail through to a tense finish.  It was obvious this final was going to be quite spectacularly one sided.  But I was wrong, not entirely, just mostly.  The Gents still won, but not by the cricket score most people had expected.  It was a lot closer than you could possibly have predicted.  So another gents win.  The score goes to:

GENTLEMEN 15 - 22 LADIES

The drive back round the M25 was relatively easy as well and I was soon back with Amanda and my lovely son James at their house in Basildon.  Today has been a day off which has been nice, but I am back in Tudor times tomorrow for a return visit to Lee Chapel Primary School in Basildon, so at least I don't have to be up desperately early.

Nude Berries. (I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again).

Good King Hal trying the brand new Shepton Beauchamp diet that involves being fed large quantities of a very delicious Thai Green Curry by bespectacled Tasmanian local shop owners in a churchyard, during diamond jubilee celebrations.  It is obviously a very niche market. 

And so it was back to the daily Henry routine again, but this time to a new school - well, new for me.  I was on my way to Radlett in Hertfordshire and a visit to Newberries Primary School.  As I was driving from Basildon the vast majority of the journey would be on the dear old M25 and according to the sat nav, if there was no traffic about the entire trip from door to door would only take 35 minutes at most.  About an hour and some minutes after leaving Basildon, I finally arrived at the school.  My God, the M25 - if ever there was a better advert for not living in the South East I am yet to find it.  We stopped, we started, we crawled along, everyone jumped on brakes, we all sped up, then we repeated the entire routine - over and over and over.

I was at the school a bit too early to go in so I found myself sitting outside in the car listening to BBC Radio 2 and the Chris Evans Breakfast Show.  Very first thing this morning I had signed into Facebook to see what, if anything was occurring with my "chums" in the wee small hours. Luckily no new fatwas had been issued for me and the only "contact" who seemed to be live was the Chris Evans Show - and was asking the inviting Facebook question - what are you doing?  To which at that point, no one had replied.  So I simply said I was going to Radlett to be Henry VIII at a school day, all the way from Somerset, my names Good King Hal, goodnight!  That sort of thing.  Well blow me down, just after the 7am news, Chris Evans reads out my message in full to the delight of the British listening public.  Almost immediately my mobile phone starts "pinging" with messages from friends of mine around the country who had obviously heard it!  Wa-hay! What a good start to the day!

And things got better - Nude Berries.... I mean Newberries Primary is a lovely school - absolutely charming and I was warmly welcomed by the teacher who had booked me, Sue Rolfe.  It was a year 4 group of about 30 children, so quite a small gathering for me.  But what they lacked in numbers they more than made up for in stupendous costumes, oodles of enthusiasm and lots of good natured Tudor fun!  The morning was partially interrupted by an assembly, but that just really resulted in me having a longer than normal tea break before lunch!

Lunch was that good old staple of primary schools around the country - sausages, potato wedges and greens, but by God it was tasty!  The less said about the "fruit salad" the better (for fruit salad read "lots of chopped up apples, two grapes and a mandarin segment floating in what appeared to be a cross between Sunny Delight and industrial floor cleaning fluid").  They should definitely stick to the savoury stuff!

After lunch we had some more good fun and finished with a closely contested jousting tournament.  I was expecting an equally close final but as it was, a very competent Gents team simply annihilated the Ladies to clinch a much needed victory for the lads.  Our score is now:

GENTLEMEN 18 - 27 LADIES

Have they left it too late?  Who knows, but it might be fun finding out.  The rest of the week consists of a return to West Pennard near Glastonbury on Wednesday, and then on to Paulton Junior near Bristol on Thursday, before I am back in the south east for a show at the Guildhall in London on Saturday and then a walkabout with the Tudor Roses at the lovely Ingatestone Hall in Essex on the Sunday.  If I see you at any of these shows, please say hello!