Tilehurst and Lots and Lots of the M4.

Good King Hal, admiring the gear change smoothness on his Tudor Car.  He decided instead to get a four door car.  (Tudor?  Two door?  Geddit?)

So, where is Tilehurst, eh?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Never mind.  I assumed, with a name like that it must be somewhere in Kent.  Wrong!  It is just to the west of Reading in the County of Berkshire.  I was lined up for a morning at Park Lane Junior School in this fine town.  I drove up the A303 in thick fog, then up the A34 and finally on the M4 briefly before cutting up to Tilehurst itself.  The school is a big old red brick Victorian building, but there is no parking on the site, however I was lucky enough to be allowed to leave my car just inside the school gate and tucked up next to the door into the main hall.  I was very warmly welcomed by some lovely teachers and staff.  It was an odd morning in that the school had worked out their own timetable for me.  This started with two sessions with the main groups, just in a question and answer situation.  When this was done I was back in the hall with the first group again, this time with the Six Wives talk, then a bit of music and finally a quick frantic joust.  This first joust was incredibly close but was won by a very good ladies team.  If we add this to our scores we have:

GENTLEMEN 2 - 5 LADIES

The second group then came back in and I whipped through the Six Wives talk again, which was a bit of a mind bender doing it again so quickly.  My brain was constantly screaming "YOU'VE ALREADY SAID THIS!" but I managed to keep going.  The second jousting tournament was a lot louder but infinitely more confusing.  Despite frequent repeats of the rules, both teams really struggled as to what the hell they were doing.  Quoits flew everywhere, some riders roared off to the other side of the tilt where they shouldn't be and confusion ran amok.  In the end, with the clock zooming round towards midday and time for me to go, I called a halt to the tournament and declared it a draw, which seemed to please no one!  So I suppose I can only give half a point to each team, which makes our score now look a bit odd.

GENTLEMEN 2.5 - 5.5 LADIES

As I was about to go and get changed, one of the dinner ladies approached me.  "I'm parked behind you." She said.  I nodded and said, OK, I'll get changed and we can sort it out.  But she stopped me in my tracks and repeated, "but I'm parked behind you."  I looked at her for a second or two, nodded slowly and repeated what I had said previously.  There was a slight pause, and she repeated "But I am parked behind you, out there!" and she pointed as though to convince me to go and look.  I finally had to ask her what she was so worried about.  "Well I've got to serve dinner in a moment..." she began in a panicked little voice. I assured her that someone would, surely, allow her a minute to let her ladle have a rest while she moved her car.  And I was proved so right!  I packed what I thought was everything away and headed off down the M4 towards Wales and a visit to my folks.  I was taking them to the airport again, something I used to do a lot when they lived in Essex but haven't done as much since they moved to Wales.  The trip down was fine and they greeted me warmly and then, very nicely, took me out to dinner at the Emlyn Arms Hotel in the town of Newcastle Emlyn where they live.  We had a fabulous meal and returned home to burp loudly and sip brandy.  Splendid.  I discovered to my horror the next day that I had left one of my Tudor musical instruments at Park Lane School in Tilehurst.  I blamed the dinner lady for distracting me.

After another fine day with my folks it was time for a very early get up of 3.15am, and then a drive up the M4 to take them to Heathrow for their main holiday for the year - a trip to the USA.  Lovely.  We got to the airport and I dropped them off, but this was where my fun was now starting.  I then had to drive back down the M4 to Newcastle Emlyn and drop my father's car back at their house and collect my car, before then driving back UP the M4 to Essex and a visit to my ex-wife Amanda's place and a visit to her and my lovely son James.  It was an incredibly long day, made slightly longer by on the first journey back from Heathrow I stopped off at Park Lane School and picked up my errant musical instrument.  But it was good to have it back.  

And so to Essex, and tomorrow I have a return visit to South Green Junior in Billericay for a full day.  Always a lovely school to visit, it should be fun.  Then on Saturday I am in Southampton for the Tudor Revels event - Meet the Ancestors.  I am on at about 3.30pm in the afternoon doing my Henry's Horrid History show.  Come one, come all.

Back on the Road Again. And Again. And Again.

Good King Hal, inflating a new author by blowing in her ear in front of the Houses of Parliament.  And why not.

And so we knew summer was over as it started chucking it down with rain, the winds started howling, central heating got turned on again, and all the people who had been moaning about it being too hot during the summer immediately started moaning that it was too cold.  What a joy the people of England are some time.  Another sure fire sign that summer was over was the imminent re-opening of the schools and my endless trips round to the to be King Henry VIII.

My first port of call for this academic year was to West Leigh Junior School near Southend-on-Sea in Essex. I had visited this school several times previously and it was a delight to be back with Bella Garrett and her lovely pupils.  It seemed a little strange being back in schools after a long summer of jousting, but it felt good as well.  Admittedly I was a little rusty having not done a full day since about mid July, but after having done this show well over 700 times it soon came back to me.  It was a big group for the first day back - about 135 year three children, but a very rewarding group none-the-less.  The morning did seem to zip past as I performed in the small inner hall.  After lunch we hiked over to the dining hall - much bigger - and got ready for the jousting.  It was a fine old tournament, amazing noise from all of the pupils and a really closely fought contest.  Amazingly, our first winners of the new scholastic year was..... THE BOYS!  I know!  Will wonders never cease?  So, like the first Premier League table of the season, this may not mean very much in the long run, but our score is:

GENTLEMEN 1 - 0 LADIES

Would it last?  Well, you will find out very shortly...  Also at this time we were all waiting for the results of our filming efforts at Hever Castle to go "live" on line.  Doug Bolton, the sainted Darlene Cavill's son, had done a marvellous job with the filming, rendering and editing and I was dying for our efforts to be unleashed on an unsuspecting world.  But we would have to wait for just a little bit longer.

On Monday the 9th, I was back in Somerset for a return visit for the first time since 2009 to Long Sutton Primary near Langport.  Lizzie Reynolds, late of Manor Court School in Chard, is still the head at this lovely little school and it was so nice to see her again.  We had a fabulous day - Long Sutton is a brilliant school and very welcoming and friendly, and we had a superb morning with plenty of laughs from the children and some great joining in.  The jousting was, like West Leigh, very hard fought, incredibly noisy and a close run thing.  But getting things back to normal, the ladies simply walked off with the win in the final.  It seemed almost too easy for them.

GENTLEMEN 1 - 1 LADIES

So, normal service resumed?  Read on dear intrepid Tudor nonsense fan, read on... I had about 12 hours to gather my thoughts and some clean underwear and hit the road for the long trek up to Cumbria and an appointment at Ashfield Junior in Workington.

I had asked my lovely friends Andy and Kate Blundell of the Phoenix Antiques Barn in Temple Sowerby near Penrith if I could stay with them, and they very kindly agreed.  So I headed out onto the M5 and pointed my car at the North Pole and began...  It was actually a very pleasant drive up - when you get to North Lancashire and Cumbria some of the scenery alongside the M6 is possibly the most dramatic you will find by any motorway in Britain, unless of course the big wind turbine near the Madjewski Stadium in Reading next to the M4 is the kind of thing that floats your boat.  I was blessed with brilliant sunshine as well, which as it began to slowly fade at about 4pm, looked stunning against the rugged hills and peaks of the Cumbrian landscape.  I got to the Phoenix Barn to find Andy holding his bank manager in a head lock, so I joined in with a couple of rabbit punches and a kick to the goolies and sent him on his way.  It was great to see Andy and he took me on a tour of the latest acquisitions in the Barn.  As ever some lovely stuff and definitely worth a visit if you are ever in the area.  We headed back to their house where I got a big bone crushing hug from Kate, and it was good to see their lovely kids Daisy and Dylan again.  We went out to dinner at a local pub, and then headed back to their place to drink far too much wine and sit in the garden watching the satellites silently gliding above us in the black inky night sky.  Lovely.  I headed off early the next morning after demolishing some croissants Andy cooked and drove over to Workington.  The drive over itself was lovely - past stunning countryside and more dramatic peaks and lakes.  Workington itself is...ahem... a little on the plain side, but Ashfield School was lovely - hugely welcoming and roughly the same size as the TARDIS inside.  I got lost on numerous occasions, even when just trying to find the loo.  We had to begin the day with the jousting as we only had access to the main hall for the early morning.  It was a long loud tournament but very bravely fought by both sides.  Predictably enough, the ladies romped to a victory so normal service IS resumed.

GENTLEMEN 1 - 2 LADIES

On finishing the show I headed back towards the M6 and the 340 miles back to Somerset.  The weather was no longer my friend, and it poured with rain, the wind howled and the traffic was dreadful.  But I made it back and walked into my flat at about 9.45pm.  I was tired out of my brain, but any thoughts of a rest and a long lie-in would just have to wait...

The alarm went off at "WHAT?" o'clock and I stumbled out of a bed that I didn't want to leave.  Back on the road again, this time in cold foggy conditions, back up the A303 to the A34 and another return trip, this time to the lovely Kingsclere School in Berkshire.  This is such a lovely school with some of the nicest teachers you would ever want to meet or work with.  Loads of laughs throughout the day, plus plenty of offers of wedding cake and other goodies from various just missed festivities.  And I bet you can't guess what happened in the jousting???  Yes, the ladies won - AGAIN.  History is repeating itself quite obviously and the same pattern emerges year after year.  I feel sure some research scientist somewhere could look into this and discover something very deep and meaningful about the entire human condition.  But to be honest I am too bleedin' knackered to bother asking him, so it will just have to wait.  Along with those other all consuming questions we should be striving to find an answer for - such as, how does the snow plough driver get to work in the morning?  Or if you unscrew your belly button does your bum fall off?  Or who on Earth actually finds Miranda Hart funny other than about three BBC executives?  All this and much more will NOT be answered in the next blog.

GENTLEMEN 1 - 3 LADIES

Oh, and after all that - yes, the video we made IS "live" now on both the Hever Castle website and on You Tube.  Have a look, enjoy and share it with as many people as you know.  Let's go viral folks.

Kingsclere

Good King Hal playing "Where's That Anti-Personnel Mine?" in the great hall at Barrington Court in front of a group of stunned children. And on that BOMBSHELL...

My previous visit to Kingsclere in Berkshire had been three years ago and I had forgotten nearly everything to do with this school. I even read up my blog entry about it from 2008, but it still didn't really stir up the brain cells. I am really getting old now...

The evening before had been very pleasant as I had dinner with my old friends Malcolm and Linda Taylor from The Hoop Cricket Club in Essex. They were on their way down to Port Isaac in Cornwall for their holiday and decided to stay in Somerset on the way down, and stayed at the Manor B&B in Wayford where lots of my friends used to stay when I was living in Clapton. I picked up Malcolm and Linda and drove them over to the Dinnington Docks near Ilminster where we had a lovely meal and lots of laughs about the old days. A very agreeable amble down Amnesia Alley. I must do it more often.

Up, bright and early on the Friday morning and up along the A303 and cutting across country to Kingsclere. This is a lovely village/town just to the north of Basingstoke. I was warmly greeted by Sally James, the teacher who booked me. Before you ask, no, she wasn't some pensionable brunette with a nice pair of legs who had appeared many centuries before on Tiswas with Chris Tarrant. This particular Ms James was blond, young and very friendly, but I am sure she has nice legs. We had a fabulous morning with some of the nicest kids you could want to meet. Lots of fun and laughter, and everyone getting all the gags and jokes. Lunch was absolutely lovely - a cheese and onion quiche with salad and chips, yum! The morning had been almost completely perfect aside from when I had done the Henry meeting King Francis I at the Field of the Cloth of Gold wrestling bit. The young lad I had picked got a bit over excited and basically attacked me during the wrestling joke - punching and elbowing me ferociously. Thank Christ he was only 9 years old. If I had been in a secondary school I'd either be in hospital or a coma by now! The young lad in question was given the dressing down to end all dressing downs by Sally and her fellow teachers later...

The afternoon was fantastic - very very funny and loud, loads of laughs and fun all round. The jousting tournament was a belter where a very competent ladies team came through for a well deserved victory. This now makes the score:

GENTLEMEN 23 - 30 LADIES

I think that is it for this year. I don't think there are enough gigs left before the summer break for the gents to catch up. So another triumph in the year for the ladies. Well done!

Sunday, tomorrow, I am at Barrington Court for another walkabout. Straight after that I am driving up to Essex. On the Tuesday I am being "me" at St Anne Line RC School in Basildon (the school my son James attends) as it is a "Bring Dad to School Day". Should be fun. Then on Thursday I am back at Thundersley School near Southend for a much looked forward to return visit.

John Rankin Junior, Newbury, Berkshire

Good King Hal with the Good Food Ireland people, mere nano-seconds before the regrettable "potato famine joke incident". Surgeons worked for 8 hours before they successfully removed the Maris piper in question.

A new school and a new academic year! Woo-hoo! The alarm going off at 5am this morning. Not quite so woo-hoo. However, on a more positive woo-hoo scale, the A303 and the A34 were relatively harmless today and there was the added bonus that Sarah "Caned-Already" Kennedy wasn't on air this morning, her place being filled by Lynn Parsnips.

John Rankin School is based on the south west side of Newbury, which was good as I didn't have to go right into the town to find it. I had been asked to this school by Helen Poore, a teacher I have worked with before at Long Sutton School in Hampshire, Medstead School and now here at John Rankin. It was a lovely school - great kids, about 60 of them, very sparky and excitable, just how I like them! Lots of laughs - some wonderful teachers. It was nice to see Helen again. She doubled up as official photographer for the day with her hugely impressive camera. The morning went swimmingly, even though they have this odd set up at John Rankin where lessons start at 9am and they don't have their morning break until 11am! So I began the day with a two hour session straight off. Quite a welcome back after the summer break!

Lunch was great - a really tasty roast beef, but was somewhat spoiled by the apple I had chosen for my "pudding". It was so sour! When I first bit into it I had to have a closer look as I thought I might have mistakenly picked up a lemon. It sort of made you suck your cheeks in and your eyes water. I took one more excruciating bite and gave it up as a bad job. The afternoon session seemed to whip by and we were soon in the midst of a fine jousting tournament. A lot of the parents showed up to watch, which was nice, and in a rip roaring finale the gentlemen finally ran out worthy winners. Well done lads! For the first time ever, I think, the lads are now in front on our leader board - but of course this is after just the one tournament. So the score says:

GENTLEMEN 1 - 0 LADIES

Next Henry show is on Friday night when I am doing a talk at Dillington House near Ilminster.

Kingsclere in Berkshire...or is it Hampshire?

Who's a silly King, then? Me! There I was, all primed for a whole weekend in the south east, from Thundersley on Wednesday, Kingsclere in Berks today and then Broadstairs in Kent on Monday. WRONG! Kingsclere is one of those places to throw a spanner in the works for you! I just assumed, as it had a Reading post code, that it would be near Reading! Nonsense! It's almost in Basingstoke and next to the A303 and virtually halfway home to Somerset from Essex where I have been staying. So instead of being in Essex for another night I have come home to sunny Somerset (it's raining actually, but you can't see that where you're sitting, can you?), will have an early night and then ski-daddle off back to Essex tomorrow morning. What a jet set lifestyle!

The school today at Kingsclere was lovely. Really lovely, easy to find, wonderful kids and fun teachers! I even had a lunch brought in for me it seemed! A ham and cheese roll, some savoury bites and even some strawberries were laid on for me. I really can't complain. The morning was great fun and the afternoon, though a tad warm in the costume was still terrific and we had a really good jousting competition which the gents won for the first time in a while.

When I was driving out of the school some of the boys from the day ran alongside my car for the first few yards waving and shouting "Thank you!" - lovely stuff. The drive home of course brought me to Stonehenge and it's the midsummer solstice! So loads of traffic, loads of Police vehicles and lots of hippies in clapped out buses. My, how we laughed.

But I am home now and will be getting my din-dins soon. See you in Broadstairs on Monday morning - bright and early!