Another Year Older...

Good King Hal, blowing a raspberry on Sarah Morris' face in front of the Houses of Parliament while sipping proseco. A novel way of protesting.

February 26th - my birthday.  My 47th birthday this time around.  47?  There must be some mistake!  I can't be that old...  When my dear late lamented grandfather, the near legendary Charles Mee, was 93 years old, I was having lunch with him one day, and I asked him a question I was dying to know.  As we sat in Tomassi's, the Italian restaurant in Southend in Essex, I asked him how old he felt inside - without thinking, how old did you actually feel.  He thought for briefest of moments and then said "about 45".  However, he did say he felt that young until he was walking down the street, and paused to look in the shop window, and wondered who the doddery old fool was staring at him, until he realised it was his own reflection.  I know exactly where you're coming from Grandad.  I am very handsome until I look in a mirror.  Mind you, at the age of 93 I soon realised why my Grandfather had cantered down to this Italian restaurant so quickly - it was all the tall leggy brunette waitresses.  I did tease him about this, and my Grandfather, being one of the last great Edwardian gentlemen (i.e. sex or anything regarding women was not spoken about in public) blushed a little and then said: "Well, the day you stop looking you might as well give up."  Wise words indeed.

For my 47th Birthday I took a near last minute decision to head to Southampton and meet up with two old friends from my years working at Skandia Life, now some 11 years in my past.  Therefore I was at the Tavernetta restaurant and meeting up with Ruth Le Mesurier and Sue Marsh, and we had a lovely time.  The years just rolled away and it as almost like we had never been apart from each other.  The meal was lovely, as was the large glass of Merlot.  All too soon it was time to part, and before I headed back to the NCP to take out a mortgage and pay for my parking, I popped into Skandia House and saw the lovely Sue Plumb on reception, and saw old chums from security Ian Fitzpatrick and Trevor Allery.  Very little had changed, Trevor had slightly fewer teeth and marbles, but not much else.  I also saw a young lady called Fern (your surname - I regret Madam, I have forgotten, forgive an old fart) who's telephone I used to repair on a regular basis on my days at Skandia.  This happy stroll down amnesia lane over, I was soon in the car and on my way home.

Thursday 27th February, it's time to go back to being Henry.  I drove up to the village of Cheddar and a first visit to Fairlands School.  It was a big group, of about 180 year six children, but such a lovely group, it was a delight to work with them.  This was one of the finest schools I have visited for a long time.  I had got the job through a contact at the school who knew people at Hugh Sexey School at Wedmore.  We had a truly memorable day, great fun all the way through, and culminated in one of the most memorable jousts in a long time.  The final was incredibly close, it was down to the last rider on both teams, the boys seemed to just about hold the whip hand, when the last lady knocked the final quintaine she was at very badly - her final quoit catapulted up into the air and all looked lost.  But this girl was good and coolly skewered the quoit in mid air with her lance and galloped home for a remarkable victory.  Astounding.

GENTLEMEN 12.5 - 21.5 LADIES

That could be it already lads.  Surely no way back from there.  The drive back home took me south past Glastonbury and Somerton, and on one last high patch of ground I looked west across the levels of Somerset and saw.... a sea.  It was like looking out across some vast inland sea.  The floods were still out in force, that was for sure.

I went to see my mate Pete Flanagan in Tatworth on the Friday.  He asked me a small favour... could I drive off and collect some more music memorabilia for him.  No problem Pete, where do you want me to go?  Oh... Southampton, again.  So two days after driving down to Southampton to see everyone at Skandia, I was in Pete's BMW driving back to Southampton to meet his mate and collect some signed Jimmy Page posters.  Boy, I lead an exciting life sometimes.

Friday night was a special night as it was Matthew Applegate's official farewell bash at Barrington Court.  It started at 6.30pm and I arrived about five minutes late to find the whole place heaving with people.  This just went to see how popular Matthew was, and also at how deep the anger is felt by all the people at Barrington for the way the complete tossers in the National Trust management have treated him.  First Matthew made a fine, sweet, amusing speech.  It was touching, not maudlin and was just right.  Then Matt's lovely wife Sue stood up to make a speech.  Barely holding back her tears and anger she delivered a stunner.  One of the most moving speeches I have ever heard.  There was barely a dry eye in the house.  I was delighted to be recounted a story by one of the volunteers who told me the previous week they had been summoned to the Court House for the pre-season briefing.  The man mainly responsible for Matthew's demise, a loathsome creature by the moniker Turner, delivered his attempt at a rousing gee up speech for the masses - and sat down to a deafening silence.  One of the other managers was making their address when they happened to mention Matthew's name - this caused a spontaneous and sustained round of applause to burst out among the people in the room.  Wonderful.

We had a lovely time, laughing and joking with Matthew and all his wonderful staff.  It was great to see Rachel Brewer again for the first time since her baby Oscar was born.  Old deputy Visitor Services Managers to Matthew, Tamsin and Toria turned up - one from Cornwall and one all the way from York, just to see Matthew.  That is the respect in which this man is held.  NT management will find out one day.

I've had a lovely relaxing weekend watching Manchester City win the League Cup for the first time since 1976, which was great fun.  And now it's back to the daily grind.  And all I've got to look forward to now is my 48th birthday.  Oh, and ogling women of course.  As my Grandfather said - once you stop looking, you might as well give up.  Good work, that fellow!

Song of a Baker

There was something large, ugly and unpleasant lurking in the gardens.  Good King Hal being devoured by a Triffid.

Croseo i Cymru!  Or something like that.  Your latest missive, hot off Caxton's press begins with your King in West Wales, trying to convert the natives unto the sheer delight of wearing tights.  The working part of my sanctuary at my parents involved me giving a talk to a Probus Group at the Cliff Top Hotel in Gwber (pronounced GOOBER - I love it!).  The only people who knew the King was going to appear, aside from my parents and my lovely Sister Sue who came along for moral support, were the President of the local Probus group and her treasurer.  Well not wishing to deafen you with self trumpet blasting, I went down a storm.  The lovely group seemed to really like me, which was fantastic and I even got some old boy in the front row, who bore a more than striking resemblance to former Polish President Lech Walesa, to laugh so much he had to take a break halfway through.  He was a God's gift to a comic as his laugh came out as a loud grunted snort, very much like someone doing a loud pig impression.  When he first did it I urged him to give it a bit more choke and it would have started.  And no, before any smart ass says it, he wasn't asleep and snoring.  I had a lovely lunch in the hotel with the group after the show and then went back to my folks for one more night.

The following day I was on my way back to Somerset, but the journey took a lot longer than expected as the east bound M4 was shut due to a big smash up and we were diverted off through various tiny villages, most of which seemed to be experiencing road works.  Well, I say works.  What you mostly saw was miles of traffic cones, an occasional parked up lorry with three navvies either asleep or reading The Sun in the cab, or if you were really lucky, one of them outside, listlessly swinging a pick at the tarmac before pausing to scratch his arse or light a cigarette.  It was a stirring sight.

Back home at Somerset I found myself on the Saturday listening to Danny Baker's Show on BBC Radio 5 Live. He has been doing an ongoing feature about people's experiences of lower league Scottish football.  This seemed too good an opportunity to recount him my journey to Stranraer with my father a couple of years back, and a shameless opportunity to plug Good King Hal on national radio.  Well, I got on air and had a chat with the sainted Mr Baker, and what a lovely chap he is.  He even laughed at some of my appalling old Henry VIII jokes.  What a gent.

My dear old friend Ali Bessell came over on Saturday night and we drank wine, put the world to rights and watched the old Tim Burton movie "Ed Wood" with Johnny Depp.  What the hell was Johnny Depp doing in my flat???  But it was lovely to see Ali again - why is it when you have such a dear friend you only get to see them once in a blue moon?  Life can be cruel like that.

On the Sunday I went over to Barrington Court to see Matthew Applegate and thrash out the final dates for my Henry appearances at the court house this summer.  My first walkabout is this weekend on the Sunday, so come and say hello if you're in the area.  I drove home and watched my beloved Manchester City thrash Chelsea 2-1 in the FA Cup Semi Final.  Knowing us we'll lose to Wigan in the final now...  Just my luck at the moment.

Back to being Henry on the Tuesday morning with a first visit to Walliscote Primary School in beautiful downtown Weston super Mare.  I had been booked by a lovely lady teacher who had originally seen me when she had brought her class from Ilton School to come and see my open day at Barrington Court with Shepton Beauchamp and Barrington School, all those years ago.  She had remembered me and recommended me to her new school.  It was only a morning, but a great one.  One of the friendliest nicest schools I have visited for a long time, charming lovely teachers and some great kids.  Really a wonderful, wonderful morning.  We finished just after midday with a ear bending jousting tournament that, surprise surprise, the ladies won - again!  Our score goes to:

GENTLEMEN 12 - 21 LADIES

This is now getting embarrassing.  The poor old gents just don't stand a chance these days.  The rest of the week is quite Barrington oriented.  I am possibly going over to the Court House on Friday for a photo shoot with a local photographer from Ilminster, and then as I mentioned earlier it is my first official Henry walkabout of the season at Barrington on Sunday.  Please come along anyone who reads this - the King would be delighted to see you.  And now a quick quiz for anyone who reads this blog this far - the blog title for this entry - which British rock group had a famous song of this title?  Song of a Baker?  Let me know if you know the answer.

Falcon School, Norwich

Good King Hal, known as "The Tudor Pelvis", rocking through yet another rendition of "Hound Dog" to a stunned audience of easily distracted midgets.  Surely there must be a law against this sort of thing.

Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.  It gladdens the soul, folks, it really does.  But I won't mention it much more in this blog.  Honest.  I had driven to Essex on Sunday as a staging post for the next part of this journey to this show - onwards up to Norwich on the Monday morning for a return visit to Falcon School.  One of my friends on Facebook got terribly upset when she realised that Falcon School was just that - a school and not, as she had thought, a school for Falconry.  I promised to get it introduced on the curriculum as soon as is Kingly possible.

The pouring rain which has highlighted our drought over the past few weeks (eh?) had finally given way, and on waking in the wee small hours of Monday I was delighted to see the beginnings of a sunrise.  This made the morning drive up very pleasant indeed, and even at an early hour it was warming up nicely.  To be honest, for someone who was going to spend the whole day in furs and heavy clothing, it was warming up a bit too much.  I was warmly welcomed with a cup of tea and even a hug from one teacher!  It was a bigger group than in previous years at Falcon - just under 100 children in three classes.  Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.  Ah!  It just sounds better each time you mention it, doesn't it?  Today's show was just one of those days when everything goes right.  It was a lovely group of children, great teachers and everyone got really involved.  Loads of laughs and also some very impressive Tudor knowledge, one little girl scoring a rare 20 out of 20 in the Tudor quiz. 

Lunch was an ice hockey puck and chips.  Sorry, lunch was a BEEFBURGER and chips, and it filled a void, though when it did go in my mouth a big bell rang out, organ music played and loads of very fat Americans started waving flags and shouting.  (This is a joke BTW).  Meanwhile, Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.  And does anybody even care what a Rock Hyrax is?  I do.

The afternoon session was hilarious, loads of laughs, and one of the teachers let slip that one of the others is on the verge of emigrating to New Zealand which apparently the children weren't supposed to know.  Oops!  That is the sort of thing I do normally, so it was nice to see someone else putting their foot in it.  In the joust, one of the gents teams had this young lad in it who frankly hadn't got a clue what he was doing. He just randomly prodded at quoits in whichever direction he felt like at the time, and then wandered aimlessly between the quintaines as the crowd howled at him to get on with the race.  Somehow his team reached the final against the ladies team, but he put in a similarly bewildered performance in the final which allowed a very good ladies team to romp to a deserved victory.  Our score now goes up to a very one sided:

GENTLEMEN 14 - 26 LADIES

They are getting away now.  It is not as close as Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0, but it is just as joyful.  Almost as joyful as watching Sir Alex "Complete and Utter ****" Ferguson losing the plot midway through the second half when his team couldn't win.  I was very sympathetic.  I only laughed for 38 minutes.  And then a further 25 minutes.  Right, the King is off down to Folkestone tomorrow to see his agent, then back to Somerset for a return visit to the delightfully named Hugh Sexey School in Wedmore.

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it....  Manchester City 1 Manchester United 0.

Mistletoe Fayre 2011 pt 2

The sort of image to make single women quake in their shoes. Good King Hal clutching mistletoe and beginning to pucker up at Barrington Court. Ooh, nasty...

Day two of the Mistletoe Fayre 2011 dawned with piercing bright morning sunlight. Lovely! Today I was to be a lone King - no Diane or Zarrina to keep me company, it just wasn't the same without them, but fun none the less. With no pensioner afflicted trips to a local petrol station this morning I arrived at Barrington Court more or less on time today. Once changed into my "frock" I started my rounds of the Court House. It was much less busy today - Matthew Applegate reckoned on there being nearly 900 people through the door for the first day. I would estimate today's number being more in the range of 500, but all the stalls seemed to be doing great business.

I had some fun chatting with Rachel Brewer, Barrington's own "pommelier" and she was joined on her stall by the fair Sarah. The mulled cider tasted as good as yesterday, if not better and really did chase the cold out of your system. We had more musician's today, who added some real atmosphere to the event, and towards the end of the day I was presented with an old fur coat by the lovely lady on the wool stall. She said I could use it to add to any new costumes, which was very kind and generous of her. She then scored even better marks by giving me a nice kiss under the mistletoe. Now that's what I call service.

Back home to watch Manchester City draw with Liverpool and re-affirm my belief that Mario Ballotelli is a prime example of inverse ratio between size of wallet and size of brain, and then to settle down with a nice bottle of Shiraz and watch a repeat of "Ripping Yarns" on TV. Smashing! My next Henry outing is on Wednesday this week with a first ever visit to Bathampton School in Bath.

How Very Parochial

The Mona Lisa before she had a shave. Notice how the eyes follow you round the room? That's detached retina's, that is...

The school I was visiting on Tuesday, has to have one of my favourite names of any school I go to. This was the delightfully named Amberley Parochial Village School. Anything with the name parochial in it immediately sets me to thinking about Father Ted. But rather than being marooned on the shores of Craggy Island, Amberley is a beautiful Cotswold village, halfway up a big hill in Gloucestershire near Stroud. Strong Laurie Lee country which is always good news for me. However, as the dark morning drive up from Somerset gave way to a pale early light, I might as well have been in Catford for all the scenery I could see. Fog, fog, thick, thick fog. My previous visit to Amberley had been back in 2009 and on that day I had arrived on a piercingly bright autumnal morning. My arrival on Tuesday was in a thick fug of dampness and low visibility. However, the warmth of my welcome was as nice and generous as had ever been. Miss Hyland who booked me at this school was there again and I was soon gulping down generous cups of tea whilst setting up in their charming hall. The group of children, year 3 and 4 combined, were mostly good natured and fun to work with. One little girl burst into tears as soon as I started and continued in this fashion for the rest of the day - usually spending most of her time with her fingers in her ears, but she did laugh a lot as well folks, don't think me some kind of sadistic monster.

On my previous visit to this school I'd had to take a drive out to purchase some lunch, and what with their being no local shop my choice of sandwiches had been reduced to some curling relics on the shelf of a nearby petrol station. Therefore, forewarned against this I had come fully armed this day with a tin of mulligatawny soup (made with real owls) and some crusty bread. Lunch was very warming and spicy and went down a treat.

The afternoon was a little fractured and unsmooth due to a late start back in the hall, and then having to finish very promptly for an end of school assembly. The jousting was fun but ended controversially when a very good lads team had to be disqualified for blatant rule breaking - not a popular decision on my behalf, but rules is rules folks. So with the ladies winning by default the score on our accumulator is now:

GENTLEMEN 7 - 10 LADIES

They're getting away again and the lads are on a bit of a slippery slope it seems. I began the drive home slightly worried - I was driving down one of the hills when my car seemed to start making an alarming metallic grinding noise, almost akin to an angle grinder. I soon located the noise - a man in a garden very close to the road using an angle grinder. Ah, that would be it then. Silly me. I got home in the evening and watched a rather poor Manchester City get deservedly beaten by Napoli in the Champions League, and thence to bed. Did some voice over work for my friend Greg Stevens at Radio Sherborne this morning, and then out again tonight. Tomorrow is a return to another of my favourite schools with my annual visit to Parkfield Junior in Taunton and the near legendary Mr Wynford Sides. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

For Hever and Hever...

Anne Boleyn beckoning the photographer over. A pagga then ensued. Ruddy paparazzi.

And all of a sudden, it was the last weekend of Hever jousting! I couldn't believe it had come round so quickly. The weather had been looking vaguely threatening all week - could our luck of just one really wet weekend hold out? It didn't start well - a journey up to Essex to see my beautiful son was certainly damp, and our shopping trip to Toys R Us was similarly moist. However, James came away with a "Pirates of the Caribbean" Lego set AND a box set of "Pirates of the Caribbean" DVD's (can you see a pattern here folks?). James is now convinced that he is in fact Captain Jack Sparrow, and can even do the Johnny Depp walk/run perfectly. He is also madly in love with the idea of dressing up as Prince Edward to my Henry VIII - should be fun.

Friday at Hever was damp to begin with, but luckily the rain held off for the entirety of the show, which was a real blessing. After the success of handing a glove to Sir Stephen of Porlock as a "favour", Michelle Coda came up with the idea of more gifts for the Knights from Anne Boleyn. This time she had been on a shopping trip to a local charity shop where she had purchased a simply enormous pair of flowery knickers. These were simply industrial in size and probably best described as apple catchers. Somehow Michelle managed to roll/fold these down to a size that she could secrete them between her boobs in her Tudor dress and produce them (the knickers that is) at will when the time required her to dish out the Queen's favour. Once more it was decided that the prize should go to the Knight that won the "Challenge of the Rings" in the arena. This time Sir Jasper de Barry (Jeremy) was the winner and approached the Royal Box with some trepidation. Michelle handed him the rolled up knickers and he said "ooh, socks!" However, just after he climbed back into the saddle of his horse he unfolded them. A huge cheer went up from the crowd as he displayed the passion killers above his head! How on Earth could Michelle top that???

On the Saturday we were back at the Castle and Michelle was there with her daughter Victoria (delighted that Mungo was back in the show after a day off) and her partner Matt. This time Michelle had purchased some large jelly snakes from a sweet shop. She rolled one of these into a ball and once more it was stuffed between her boobs. Again the weather held off for us, despite early heavy rain showers. The show was a good one today - fast and funny, with a brilliantly responsive crowd. The tournament of the rings went down to a ride off between Sir Jasper de Barry and Sir Stephen of Porlock. We were delighted when Sir Stephen won and once more he approached the Royal Box - Michelle managed to make the removal of the snake something of an artwork in itself and there was much laughter from the crowd as Sir Stephen claimed his prize.

It has been a fantastic summer at Hever Castle and I have enjoyed every single minute. So a big thank you to all the ladies who have been Anne Boleyn this summer - particularly Michelle Coda, but also Lisa Hudson, Tamsin Lewis, Zarrina Bull, Diane Collings and Sarah the steward from Hever! I couldn't have done it without any of you. A final celebratory curry was had at my sister's house on Saturday night and I was off back to Somerset on the Sunday morning. I am next working with the Knights at Leeds Castle on the 9th, 10th and 11th September for a tournament. Come along if you can!

All that AND Tottenham Hotspur 1 - 5 Manchester City. Wow.

Smarter Than the Hever-age Bear...

Good King Hal and Anne Boleyn launch into an eye watering rendition of "Riverdance" during their "live" appearance at Hever Castle.

Another weekend, and another trip down to Hever Castle. The Friday (12th August) was proving a bit dodgy as I was suddenly short of one Anne Boleyn. I tried many friends and finally had to admit defeat. I called Hever Castle with the news on the Thursday, but they were wonderful and said they'd ask some of their staff to see if someone was available - and they came back with good news! A lovely lady called Jane, who happened to be one of their senior stewards, volunteered and arrived just before the show was due to start in her own costume, and she looked brilliant. We had a fine day with not too much heat and a relatively good turn out for the show. We were short of William of Antioch, which is always detrimental to the shows in my humble opinion, but he was due back on the Saturday and Sunday.

For the Saturday and Sunday I was to be ably supported by my dear old friend Lisa Hudson who was going to be Anne Boleyn. I was so pleased she agreed to come along and do this for me as I knew she'd look fabulous in the costume - as you can see from our "Riverdance" picture above - she did! We had a little trouble getting Lisa sorted in her costume as she is relatively short, but is also very large in the chesticles department. We therefore had a fair old battle lacing her into her corset top, but she looked beautiful when finished! Lisa was an absolute star on both days and we had a real laugh doing both the shows. The kids we posed for photos with really warmed to her and she even got one little girl wanting to keep hugging her! Lisa's husband Adam (an old cricket team companion of mine from The Hoop Cricket Club) came along on the Sunday along with their lovely kids Luke and Joe.

We managed to get another "real" injury on Saturday, to compliment Sir Stephen of Porlock's dislocated shoulder at the previous show! This time, doing one of his spectacular falls, Sir Ashley of Hampshire managed to cut his head badly on the inside of his jousting helmet. Blood everywhere and five stitches were needed - he completed the show with a large white bandage on his head which prompted the commentator to refer to him as "Ahmed of Hampshire" first of all, and then later on as "Sir Ashley bin Laden". He was back to his usual "ruggedly handsome" self on the Sunday.

Changing the subject, as some of you may or may not know, my personal life is somewhat fraught at the moment. However, I have been overwhelmed with messages of love and support from so many friends over the previous couple of days that I am truly very touched and moved. It is at times like this that you do discover your true friends, and I am lucky enough to say I have many. You all know who you are, so thank you one and all. (Moves right and brushes something away from his eye, which is not a tear... honest. I am a roughtie-toughtie King FFS).

Anyway, Manchester City thumped Swansea 4-0 tonight, so that is enough to put a smile on my face for a little while. And now to listen to "Your Dictionary" by XTC - a lot.

Broadclyst Evening

Good King Hal (left) showing amazement at the accuracy of Scotland Yard's latest e-fit of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with the dismantling of the entire Church system in Britain.

The day I had done down at Broadclyst School back in February had apparently been a bit of a success. And a success to the extent that the lovely lady who organised the school day, Calli Walkerdine, decided she wanted me to come back and do an evening show for the parents! Well, who was I to argue?

From my place it takes about an hour to drive down to Broadclyst, just outside Exeter. It is a pleasant drive as well, mostly through beautiful countryside on the Somerset/Devon border. I was warmly greeted at the hall by Calli and introduced to various other members of staff and other halves from the school. I set up my props on a table and about 80+ seats were set out. I wandered off to get changed as I was due to start the show at 7.15pm. By half past seven people were STILL arriving and more and more chairs were having to be set up to accommodate them all. How nice! Well the evening went fantastically! Such a great group of people - they loved the show, lapped up the silly jokes and asides and really joined in brilliantly. Wonderful. I did my usual "Henry's Horrid History" talk but threw in loads of asides and some improvisation as well, and had them rocking in the aisles, which was very gratifying. We finished the evening with a very silly jousting tournament - one adult male, one adult female and two children, one boy and one girl, per team. The chairs were pushed back and the event took place. Great fun, particularly as the head teacher from the school was on one team, first endearing himself to the audience by going base over apex during one part of his run, and then cheating on the second half and getting his entire team disqualified! Loads of laughs during this point as well.

The evening finished with deafening applause and Calli insisting she pay me more than we had originally agreed as I had "been so excellent". How can you argue with someone like that? The drive back was very nice along quiet country roads. But it is always strange to finish a show, with a big audience and feeling the love and warmth of that audience, but then come back to a cold and empty flat. That is something I shall never get the hang of... :-(

FA Cup Final this weekend, so COME ON MANCHESTER CITY! We need to win our first silverware since 1976! Fingers, eyes and legs crossed. Next Henry show is on Wednesday at Birchfield Junior back in dear old Yeovil.

Noremarsh Junior, Wootton Bassett

Good King Hal about to have a light supper (14 roast oxes, 26 roast sheep, 342 chickens, Eric the late lamented Royal Turbot and a small Diet Coke - got to watch the pounds) with a few close chums.

I had last visited Noremarsh School in Wootton Bassett a couple of years ago. The town, famously in the news in recent years, is close to Swindon, which is one of those sorts of towns in Wiltshire that is incredibly difficult to get to from Somerset. There is no real obvious direct route. One way suggested by my sat nav was to drive up the M5 and then miles and miles along the M4 which just smacked of idiocy to me. In the end I did a sort of hotch-potch of A303, A350, A361 etc etc. This also included a big hold up around the suburban delights of Chippenham. The journey seemed a lot longer as there was no Chris Evans on Radio 2 this morning and instead I had to endure Richard Madeley and his appalling taste in music.

I got to Noremarsh school and it is, just like last time, and absolute delight. I am greeted by Mrs Parker who booked me the previous time - a lovely lady originally from Weston-super-Mare. No wonder she moved. It was a truly fun day all round, with delightful teachers, great kids, and lots of good humour and joking all day. I was using the head teacher's office as my dressing room, bless him, which meant me evicting him at various points during the day so I could rip all my clothes off (and no one wants to see that, trust me). But he was very good natured about it and even rigged up a blind on the window in his door so I wouldn't upset any passing impressionable types.

Lunch was a real rarity - a school dinner that was (1) delicious, (2) in no need of any seasoning to give it flavour, and (3) filling! It was a pasta bake with a bolognese type sauce and with cheese crumbled over the top. I could get used to this very easily.

The afternoon was the best fun I have had in a long time. Really funny, laugh out loud kids, me pretending to flirt with one of the teachers (which brought some of the kids to the point of hysterics they laughed so much), a great stocks session and finished off with the usual pounding finale of the jousting tournament. This was of a really high quality with the final result in the balance almost all the way, but was won, inevitably so it seems, by the ladies team. They now score as follows:

GENTLEMEN 20 - 25 LADIES

Great stuff. I packed up and was soon on my way home. All this and Manchester City sticking 5 goals past Sunderland at the weekend. How marvellous.

There was one really funny spot to the day - two little girls who said that I shouted too much, and burst into tears nearly every time I said or did anything. When I asked the teachers if they were alright, their reply was refreshing in it's honesty. "Oh, those two, don't worry about them, they cry at everything. They're just pathetic!" So there you go!

I am off to Somerton Infants tomorrow up near Glastonbury for a banquet with the little ones up there, then on Thursday I begin a long journey that will finish in, of all places, Stranraer. Watch this blog for more info soon!

The Mike Farley Show

Mike Farley's mic, called Mike the Mic. I'd like to travel one day...

United FM in Crewkerne launched on Friday the 9th April. I was there for the original opening part. My parents had come to visit as well as it was my Father's birthday, so they got dragged along to the radio station HQ. We were there early and met David Laws, the fine MP for Yeovil, however we had to push off before the main, rock'n'roll guest, John "Rabbit" Bundrick, "live" keyboard player for The Who, turned up to cut the ribbon. It was a good launch and everyone seemed in high spirits. Later on the Friday my sister Cathy and her husband Julian turned up from Kent for a long overdue visit to my flat in Crewkerne. We had dinner with my parents at the Duke of York Pub in Shepton Beauchamp where I had celebrated my 43rd birthday in February. On the Saturday we all ventured over to Ilminster as my parents wanted to pay their usual visit to the august portals of Dyers Department Store there. We had a lunch at Bilby's in the High Street and then my parents headed back to Wales. Cath, Jules and I then drove over to Barrington Court and enjoying the fine weather had a nice leisurely stroll round the houses and gardens. We finished with a drink and a slice of lemon drizzle cake at the Beagles Cafe.

That evening we headed over to the Dinnington Docks Pub and all had vast platefuls of delicious faggots, mash and gravy for dinner. These plates were huge and really were just too much on top of everything else we'd scoffed and drunk through the day. We got back to my flat and sat around like three stone Buddhas.

On the Sunday morning Julian and I headed over to Ilchester and the car boot sale over there. I bought a few bits and pieces but we were soon home. A day of leisure was then had as first of all Cath and Julian watched some motorbike racing - don't ask me what it was or where it was but it seemed to go on forever. After that we watched Manchester City thrash Birmingham 5-1 which was wonderful to behold! Then we watched incredulously as Portsmouth beat Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 in the FA Cup Semi Final. Wonderful, amazing and totally unexpected. Cath particularly enjoyed looking at David James in his tight pink shirt.

This evening I did my first "Mike Farley Show" on United FM. I broadcast from 10pm to midnight and had a great time, really enjoyed myself with Cath and Julian sitting in the studio with me and joining in the banter. I played some of my favourite songs, such as "My Pink Half of the Drainpipe" by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, to "All In My Head" by Kosheen, to "Earn Enough for Us" and "Then She Appeared" by XTC. The two hours seemed to shoot past, and I can't wait to do it all again next week! Hope you get a chance to listen next Sunday - 10pm on www.unitedfm.co.uk - you know you want to!

Off to Wales for the week now with James. Should be fun!

White Woman Lane School, Norwich

Good King Hal and Anne of Cleeves inspect the small extension to their bungalow. (left)

And Lo, it came pass that Good King Hal was roused from his long slumbers from Christmas and did venture into the land that is called Nor-Folk and did perform his Tudor show at ye august portals of White Woman Lane Junior School in Sprouston in Norwich. And the locals did say "that's nice" and "look at his tights" and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but mostly during the lunch break. And great was the burping thereafter.

Actually it was really nice to be back on the boards again. First things first, I drove up to Essex on the Wednesday and have a couple of days with Amanda and James which was very pleasant. Then on the Friday morning I was up at the crack of dawn and heading towards Norwich. But not at first. Oh no. Oh, hell no. My sat nav had other ideas first. For some reason known only to it's bizarre electronic mind it had re-set it's main settings so that any route you enquired about it only looked for "Most Use of Motorways" routes. Now I don't really know the verdant grasslands around Basildon particularly well, so I just followed where my sat nav was sending me. I suddenly realised as she made me head for the M25 she was trying to get me to go up the M11. NO! I turned her off and re-set her and headed up the A12 as any sane human being should. I still arrived at White Woman Lane Junior on time. It was good to be back and this is a lovely school. Nice buildings and facilities, great teachers (very friendly) and some hilarious children. Whilst getting changed I suddenly found Christmas catching up with me when I discovered my Henry tunic was a tad tight around the front. Back to the salads and step aerobics for me.

The morning was very entertaining and loud! Lots of laughter from the children and the teachers. After a nice lunch of fish and chips (ARGH! MORE STEP AEROBICS AND SCREAMING!) it was on with the afternoon session. More laughs and fun and finally a storming joust which ended in a very close finish but was won by a very capable gentleman's team. This now makes this education year score a very interesting:

GENTLEMEN 9 - 13 LADIES

I began my drive home to Amanda's, but was soon firstly held up by bad traffic in Norwich, then a broken down lorry in Longstratton and finally, when back in Essex, the final crowning poo in the potty, the final road I needed was shut. But I was home. And James wanted me to order in pizza. So I did. (ARGH! MORE LETTUCE LEAVES, SCREAMING AND BERATING!). A final couple of days in Essex and then back to Somerset today, listening to Manchester City take on the might of Scunthorpe United in the FA Cup. (We won - a bit like we did against Manchester United on Tuesday).

Manchester United 1 Manchester City 2 - and a couple of visits!

Manchester United 1 Manchester City 2. Can I just repeat that once or twice? Manchester United 1 Manchester City 2. It just keeps sounding better each time I mention it! To be honest, on driving up to my sister's place for a couple of Kent shows, I really didn't want to hear about the Manchester derby. The build up to it had been sent into an hysterical stratosphere with the Munich coverage - added to which City had been playing so badly of late and United so brilliantly that I could only see my beloved Man City getting a caning of Biblical proportions. I vowed to avoid the match if at all possible and listened only to CD's for much of the journey. At one point I had to change CD and with my radio pre-tuned to Radio 5 Live, straightaway I heard the commentary when the radio cut in - just in time to hear Darius Vassell put City 1-0 up. I was happy, but it did remind me a bit of the old line from the movie "Blazing Saddles" where the Sheriff is warned not to shoot the big bad guy as it would "just annoy him". It seemed the same with United - don't score against them - they'll just get angry. I put another CD on and carried on with my journey. Much later I tuned in to find out the score, only to hear that City were now 2-0 up, and there was only a few minutes left. Now was the time to start listening, but typical of my luck just as I start listening United go and score. Thankfully City hung on for a deserved victory which prompted some horn honking and whooping from me as I trundled round the M25.

My two days in Kent were great fun as well. The first of my shows was my fourth annual appearance at dear old Oakfield Junior in Dartford. It was so nice to be back at this wonderful school. As ever all the teachers were hugely welcoming and polite. The children were a delight - bright and sparky and full of fun and questions. Some of their costumes were fantastic and a lot of work had been done by family members. After lunch they sang me a couple of wonderful songs, accompanied by their teacher on a classical guitar. The rest of the afternoon shot by and a hugely competitive joust was won by a good ladies team.

Tuesday was a brand new school for me. Quenborough Junior in Sheppey. This was another fabulous day. About 130 children and some incredibly wonderful teachers all made for an exciting, fun and hilarious day. I had years 2, 3 and 4 all in with me and they were a delight. Full of beans and very sparky with lots of laughs aplenty. I thought some of them might pass out they were laughing so much during the stocks session! Another superb jousting tournament, the gents finally managed to get a win in for once.

It was a lovely couple of days staying with my sister and her husband, and a delight to be at two such lovely schools, but I am very glad to be back this evening and I am thoroughly looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again!

Back on the Morning Jo Show tomorrow on BBC Somerset, then I am off to Romsey on Friday for a banquet at a school.

Oh, and Manchester United 1 Manchester City 2. Nice!