I'm Ready For My Close Up, Mr DeMille...

The King finally discovers the reason why men wear cod pieces.  This was a mere 37 seconds before someone invented the hat stand.

I'd only just finished another weekend at Hever Castle, so guess where I was on the Wednesday and Thursday?  Yes!  Lerwick in the Shetland Islands.  I jest.  Of course I was back at Hever Castle, but this time to film the long awaited and promised comedy short "The Six Wives of Henry VIII in 2 Minutes and 19 Seconds".  I had put together a script and Hever had sorted out some ladies to play some of my wives, but it was down to me to sort out the final few.  I called in the lovely Zarrina and Louise from Tudor Gowns, naturally I had the wonderful Michelle Coda and her other half Matt on hand, plus there was the lovely Katherine Miller who only lived up in Greenwich with easy access to Hever.  My final choice for a wife was a bit surprising.  It was my old mate Ian Weston from Portals to the Past - he was to play Anne of Cleves, and he did it marvellously.  Vivien from the Hever Marketing Department was on hand to help out with any problems we might encounter, plus of course we had Doug Bolton from Maveryk TV as our camerman/lighting engineer and soon to be editor and sound effects wrangler.  Well we had two fantastic days to film our little epic and it was such a fun time.  I can honestly say I have never had more fun or been more knackered at the end of a Tudor related event.  It was lovely to work with a group of people where there was no egos, no delicate personalities and no squabbles or back biting.  We just got on with it and had a terrific laugh in the process.  The photo above shows the lovely Helen Reeves from Hever Castle with her friend Charlotte (also from Hever staff) with Matt Rentell as the Priest and yours truly as Henry VIII in a scene we shot early on the second morning, of Arthur and Catherine of Aragon's wedding, followed very swiftly by the marriage of Henry to Catherine of Aragon just after Arthur pops his clogs.  Even Ian Weston, a veteran of numerous film shoots for cinema and TV said that the two days had been the most fun he'd ever had on a shoot, and this from a man who has worked with Ridley Scott!  Take THAT Ridley!  So thank you Hever, thank you Vivien, and a massive thanks to Zarrina, Louise, Katherine, Michelle, Matt, Ian, Helen, Charlotte, all the staff who work at Hever and helped us out so much, and most of all, to Doug Bolton for his genius with a camera and his help and advice in making this dream a reality.  Watch out for when we post the finished item here.  And anyone I have forgotten to thank here - SORRY!

I was back at Hever for Friday and Saturday for two more days jousting.  It was two pleasant days, aside from the near biblical flood we had on the Saturday.  Our costumes were drenched and poor old James, my lovely son, fell over twice on the rain sodden walk back to the Castle and promptly announced on our arrival back in our dressing room: "I WANT TOMORROW OFF!"  And so he did.

Sunday and Monday found me driving back up to Castle Hedingham in Essex for the final two days of jousting for this summer with the Knights of Royal England.  We had two lovely days in near perfect weather, but by now most of the jousters were running on empty and even the young ones seemed to be flagging.  But we put on two good shows on each day and got some tremendous feedback from all those that watched.  So another summer of jousting comes to an end and I have about four days to myself before the schools all start again and it's back to rushing round like a Tudor blue arsed fly!

Two Hever Weekends



Ronseal.  Just don't try this at home.

If it's a weekend in August then it must be time for some jousting at Hever Castle in Kent.  As usual a fun weekend was had with the Knights of Royal England, and it was as ever a delight to have Michelle Coda with me as Anne Boleyn.  We love doing the shows and despite moaning about how long it takes, we really enjoy our walk back from the jousting arena to the Castle.  We get stopped virtually ever two or three paces for photos with groups ranging from family groups with loads of children, to hen parties and bewildered looking Chinese tourists.  We also tot up how many times we get asked if we are hot in our costumes.  To save you time, everyone who might come to see us joust, yes we are hot.  Very very very hot.

James, my lovely son, is always at my side as the King's herald, but on the first of the two weekends, on the Sunday, his Mum Mandy came along and accompanied us after the show back to Somerset for a few days.  Somerset was where James was born back in 2002 and I always enjoy taking him for visits to his old haunts, keeping the memories alive for him.  We had a lovely time over the three days they were down, none more so than when we took James down to West Bay in Dorset, where the TV series "Broadchurch" with David Tennant was filmed and he enjoyed himself immensely catching crabs (steady) down at the harbour.  His patience, not good at the best of times, was tested severely.  We recommended that he should put his net in, leave it for at least five minutes before checking it.  His net was barely in the water for more than 30 seconds before he was hauling it out and cursing his bad luck without a crab in sight.  We finally persuaded him to leave the net in slightly longer and he promptly pulled out a crab of Brobdingnagian proportions, much to the chagrin of the other children similarly fishing around him.  The rest of his catches didn't really live up to that opening promise, but he thoroughly enjoyed himself.  We crowned a fine morning with fish and chips from the wrapper while sitting on the front.  Lovely.

We met up with Sue English and Ian Weston from Portals to the Past who were having a little holiday in Somerset.  We had a fine dinner with them at the Duke of York Pub in Shepton Beauchamp, which was just like the old days.  The next day we headed back to the south east so we could prepare for yet more jousting at Hever Castle.  We were lucky with the weather again and the shows seemed to be getting better and better.

And so this week I am down at (you guessed it) Hever Castle filming a quick promo video for them, then on the Friday and Saturday I am back at H***r C****e (fill in the blanks yourself) for more jousting before then heading up to Essex to visit Castle Hedingham for the Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday for the final two jousting days of the season.  It has been terrific fun, hard work and I can't wait till next season.

Auditions, Falcons and Hedingham

To be honest, the Five Star reunion was not a raging success as one member of the group at least had really let himself go...

Some while ago, I had spent a great deal of my spare time trying to get on to the ITV quiz show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"  Well I clearly did, certainly considering the amount of time and effort I put into getting a longed for audition, but whatever the reason it was never to be and I was never called up to the studio and let things happen.  Roll on to modern times and there is a game show on daytime ITV at the moment called "Tipping Point", which revolves around this enormous version of one of the old coin waterfall games so splendidly popular in British seaside resorts down the years.  However, instead of a few pence or some crappy novelty toy that might occasionally fall out, for every coin you knock down on this programme, they give you £50 - and it soon adds up!  Answer a few not very challenging general knowledge questions and you can gain control of the machine and can, if luck is on your side, win up to £10,000.  I was watching an episode the other day and one of the questions a lady had was "which island is linked to the Welsh mainland by the Menai Straits Bridge?"  She thought long and hard before replying "The Isle of Man?"  Now that would be one hell of a length bridge.  Anyway, I made enquiries about getting on this show as I fancied winning some cash, found the production teams details and applied.  And LO!  It came to be that I was asked to come and audition for said "Tipping Point".  The time and date for this was on the Tuesday morning at 11am, and I had to get to West Kensington Village for this audition.  I caught the 7.30am train from Crewkerne and as I had booked the tickets on line and in advance I got cheap ones that meant I could bump myself up to 1st class for there and back and still pay less than the normal ticket price!  1st class was nice but I was amazed by the lack of leg room, Thai masseuse, chateu neuf de pap and beef wellington.
I caught a taxi from Waterloo to West Kensington Village and was soon at the production office for the audition.  I was greeted by several very blonde, perma tanned young men called "Tarquin" or some such, who I would imagine were fans of hi-energy disco and had an extensive knowledge of where to go to dance to it in north London.  I was with about 16 other people - first we had to take part in a general knowledge quiz which seemed relatively easy, then we had to stand in front of a camera and be interviewed and talk about ourselves, which as you know is not something that I struggle with.  And that was it!  I was soon back at Waterloo and then on the train back to Crewkerne.  It was a lot of travelling for a very short audition, but who knows.   Now I had to wait and see.
Wednesday I drove up to Essex to see my lovely son James and his Mummy, and all in readiness for a trip on the Thursday up to Norfolk and a visit to Falcon Junior.  I had horrendously double booked myself a couple of weeks ago, and the day I was at Bathampton I should have been at Falcon.  What a twit I was.  I apologised profusely and Falcon were kind enough to invite me back a few days later.  As you can imagine I got a lot of ribbing on my arrival with comments such as "decided to turn up today, have you?" or "remembered us this time, did you?"  But it was a lovely day with all the kids and the teachers.  Much fun was had by all. The final joust was astonishing - the boys were so far in front but somehow got stuck on the final quoit and could not collect it, allowing the ladies to toddle past and clinch an unlikely victory.  Our score then goes to:

GENTLEMEN 17 - 24 LADIES

I had a day or two at leisure before on the Sunday and Monday of the bank holiday heading up to Castle Hedingham in Essex for two days jousting with the Knights of Royal England and also with the lovely Tudor Roses in attendance as well.  We were blessed with the weather and had two lovely days with much laughter and fun.  It was nice to have my lovely son James at my side as my squire for the two days and he really seemed to get into the swing of things again.  This morning we are heading down to Kent to Leeds Castle for some more jousting.  I am only there for the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, so if anyone is trying to avoid me, go and see the jousters on the Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  You can't say I don't give you good advance warning.  Alas this morning the weather has broken and it looks like we'll be jousting in the shallow end again.

Wedding 'Em at Hedingham! Plus Nonsuch Awareness...

Good King Hal and his Mother discussing the current rocketing price of rhubarb in the Yemen.

Ah, a late summer wedding - how nice!  Louise, a fine Tudor Lady who I have walked around some of the best stately homes in Britain with, was getting married to her fiance Jason, with the wedding taking place in the august surrounds of Hedingham Castle, followed by a reception at a lovely hotel in Old Harlow Town.  I drove up to Hedingham from Amanda's house in Basildon, and this time I wasn't chased round Chelmsford by the Police Interceptors team, so there goes my chances of appearing on Channel 5 in the next few months.  It was a scorching hot day on the Saturday and I wasn't sure how I would last in the full Henry gear.  I was joined in being costumed by the Tudor Roses who arrived very shortly after I did.  There was Lady Emma, Lady Erica and Lady Katherine, who seemed fully recovered from her recent visit to Barrington Court.  They were as ever accompanied by the splendid "Lord" Darren Wilkins and his ever present camera.

We were supposed to get changed on the top floor of the keep at Hedingham, but to be honest I wasn't sure my knees could manage to drag me and the enormous costume up that many stairs, so as the Roses disappeared off to their lofty perch, I chickened out and went into the deserted cafe on the 1st floor and got changed in there instead.  We were soon all Tudored-Up and ready for action, and just in time as well as the first guests were already arriving.  We greeted them outside the keep and ushered them up to the cafe where soft drinks were being served.  Some of the Tudor Roses got a little over-excited by the extremely muscular and buff paramedics on duty that day, but I blame the heat personally.  The groom and best man arrived and looked fine in their Tudor costumes, so we positioned ourselves in the main hall on the 2nd floor and awaited the arrival of the bride.  The hall was darkened and lit purely by candle-light and looked stunningly atmospheric.  With everyone seated news filtered up that the bride was here.  I was positioned at the front of the hall and armed with my Tudor recorder as I had been requested to serenade the bride in.  She seemed a bit taken aback by my rendition of the "Hawaii Five-O" theme, but perked up a little when I launched into a growl cornet version of "It Must Be Jelly 'Cause Jam Don't Shake Like That".  Of course I didn't, I had been asked to play "Greensleeves", so I did and it was either bloody awful or lovely as it reduced Louise to tears.  I also played during the signing of the register, and then it was time for photos outside the castle.  Myself and the Tudor Roses then made a run for it as we had to drive the 30+ miles to Harlow and the reception hotel, to be there ready for when the guests arrived.  This involved not getting changed out of the Tudor clothes and driving fully Henry'd up, which garnered me one or two odd looks from other drivers.

The Reception meal was delightful, and there were little gifts for all the Tudor Roses and myself.  I did my announcements for the arrival of the Bride and Groom, and then also did the announcement for the speeches. That was the end of the meal and tables were soon being moved as it was time for the evening dance to begin.  But I had an early start in the morning for an appearance at the Nonsuch Awareness Day near Epsom in Surrey in the morning.  So after getting changed and making my many goodbyes I drove down to Kent and an evening with my lovely Shelley.  Heaven!  Louise and Jason's wedding was really memorable and great fun - I wish them a long and happy marriage!

The King at the Nonsuch Awareness Day with a piece of impressive machinery in his hands.

Shelley very kindly offered to drive me and Sir Owen over to the Nonsuch Awareness Day, which was lovely!  I was going to go into great detail about Nonsuch Palace and it's history, but I would be here all day - the best I can suggest is you click on this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsuch_Palace and read all about it there!  Better still go out and buy one of XTC's finest albums which is called "Nonsuch" and has a very nice wood carving of the palace on the cover.  Andy Partridge's bank manager will thank you profusely.

I was once more joined by the Tudor Roses, this time Lady Emma and Lady Erica, and the inevitable Lord Wilkins.  We had a fine time walking round the stalls and chatting to the various stall holders.  There was a fine mixture of craftsmen, associations, armed forces, BMX riders and charities there, and in the scorching weather there was a very good turn out - estimates put it at about 2,000 people, which was magnificent.  Shelley, Owen and I took great delight in watching the BMX riders doing their stunts and then laughing like drains when they fell off.  Very childish but tremendous fun. Lady Erica enjoyed herself enormously with the soldiers from the local TA, with their great big transporter - saucy thing.  All in all it was a fun day, a little too warm for my liking, but fun to be with the Roses and a delight to be with my Shelley.  It was also good to see the Tudor Roses showing the historical dancers there how to do it properly.  A big shout out to Leanne Pickard who organised the whole thing and did a fabulous job.  Well done!

West Leigh School

Good King Hal clog dancing outside Strode House.  Total amount given by passers by?  Not a toss.

A new academic year!  Has there been a summer break?  I think I missed it.  With all that jousting and romping round the country I think I have an excuse for missing it.  I drove up to Kent first of all to spend some time with Shelley, and then the following day I drove to Essex to see my lovely son James and his Mummy.  After these two pleasant days of semi rest it was then time to don the robes and become Henry again.

West Leigh School is a lovely place - I was making my fourth annual appearance this year, booked as ever by the wonderful Bella Garrett.  It was a bright sunny morning for the drive down there, proving that after all the rain and misery of the summer holidays it was inevitable that the sun would come out and the temperatures would go through the roof as soon as the kids went back to school.  I was greeted with a hug and kiss from Bella, which was very sweet of her, and then a welcoming cup of tea.  It was a big group today, over 120 year three children - all of them very excitable and loud.  Their enthusiasm was very infectious, but it was sometimes hard to keep a lid on them as they got too excited!   But we had a great morning and lots of laughs.

Bella very kindly wandered down to the local supermarket to get me a sandwich for my lunch and then it was on for the mad afternoon session.  The stocks were a raging success, lots of laughs and whoops of delight from the audience.  The jousting threatened to dissolve into chaos to begin with.  During the first ladies race quintaines, quoits and lances went flying in all directions and several of the young ladies became distraught and claimed that the jousting was too difficult.  So I stopped the race after what seemed like a lifetime of directionless galloping and quoits flying around the hall and gave them another run down on how to make the jousting easier for them.  Still one of the little ladies, a cutie called Annie, claimed it was too hard, but luckily Bella persuaded her to continue to take part, and as it was her team won the ladies tournament!  Then we found the gents champions, and they were very good, so it was obvious who was going to win the overall title.  Yes, Annie and her hopeless ladies romped to a famous victory!  So our very first score for the new year has a familiar ring to it!

GENTLEMEN 0 - 1 LADIES

Different year, same results!

The King is off to Castle Hedingham again this weekend for a wedding appearance, which should be fun, and the weather looks good.  Then next week I am off up to Harrogate in Yorkshire for a school appearance.

It's The End, But The Moment Has Been Prepared For...

The Knights of Royal England - splendid fellows.  All of them.

And so, the end was near and so we faced, our final curtain...  The last regular weekend of the jousting summer was suddenly upon us before I had even realised it was coming.  The Friday and Saturday was to be back for the final two days at Hever Castle.  Hever has been magnificent this year, even when the mud in the arena was so thick you could have re-coated the M25 with it - the crowds have turned up en masse for our shows.  We were without William of Antioch for the final two shows at Hever, but everyone else was there and, as ever, much fun was had by all.  It was also to be our final two shows with Michelle Coda in tow as she would not be coming to Hedingham for the shows there.  But we were without Vix who was off appearing in her drama society production of "Annie".  Michelle had been to see one of the performances earlier in the week and declared that the production was very "provincial" - damning!  But Vix was enjoying herself so that was alright.

I had promised James a wage packet for his hard work over the summer with the jousting team, and he was mostly pre-occupied with what he wanted to spend it on.  One of his ideas is he wants a fishing rod as he is hell bent on the idea of going fishing.  Those of you who know James will be aware that he has the attention span of a amphetamine addicted gnat and a very low boredom threshold, so perhaps fishing is not the best idea for a new hobby.  But he is still going on about it.  So watch this space, I shall let you know what is finally purchased.  To be honest, it could be anything.

The last two shows at Hever passed in what can only be described as a blur.  But they were well attended like all the other shows there this summer and a great reaction from the crowd.  So with barely time to lean against a side board and gasp for breath we were off, up to Essex for a Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday at Hedingham Castle near Halstead.   I had never worked at Hedingham before, I had visited in the past as a regular punter, but was delighted by what I saw.  The castle is a typical Norman keep atop a steep hill.  It is very reminiscent of Rochester Castle in Kent or the central keep at the Tower of London.  The actual tilting arena was tiny in comparison with Hever and Leeds Castle, but it was a lovely setting.  Whereas the jousters were at the foot of the hill changing in their horse box, James and I, and the Tudor Roses, were in a large marquee that a wedding reception had been held in, behind the main house of the owners of Hedingham Castle.  It was two shows a day at Hedingham with plenty of other distractions for the punters - archery, side stalls, a jester, various food outlets etc.  It was a truly magnificent sight.  James had a go at the archery on the Monday morning and managed to score a bulls eye with only his second arrow.  That's my boy! 

The four shows were great fun, lots of laughs from us and the audience, and with the much smaller arena you got a great reaction from the punters when something exciting happened.  Whenever a lance was smashed on a shield the gasp from the audience was very audible - great stuff.  Sir William of Antioch also showed off shamelessly, particularly on the Monday when he pretended to get the huff and stomped off into the audience, sitting with people, trying to steal lunches and even posing beautifully with a child's tiny clear plastic umbrella.

The only drawback for me over the weekend was being stopped by the Police on my way to Hedingham the first day - it turned out the MOT on my car had expired four weeks ago.  Oops!  It cost me a £60 fine  but will make me more aware of checking the expiry dates on my MOT's in future.

We got filmed by a US TV cable network called Reels (or something!) who shot the show and also interviews with various members of the cast (myself included), so if you're in the States and you know a channel called Reels, or Reel then keep a look out for me!  I also got to meet the owner of Hedingham at the end of the second show and he seemed keen on getting the King back in the future.  That would suit me!

And so it was over for another year.  We posed for the picture above before the second show on the Monday - I intend to print it out in large format and laminate it so James can put it up in his bedroom as a nice memento of a very memorable summer for him.  He can look at it when he gets back from fishing....

The photo was taken by Shelley Hughes - she is beautiful!  Just thought the world needed to know!