Noremarsh Junior, Wootton Bassett

Good King Hal about to have a light supper (14 roast oxes, 26 roast sheep, 342 chickens, Eric the late lamented Royal Turbot and a small Diet Coke - got to watch the pounds) with a few close chums.

I had last visited Noremarsh School in Wootton Bassett a couple of years ago. The town, famously in the news in recent years, is close to Swindon, which is one of those sorts of towns in Wiltshire that is incredibly difficult to get to from Somerset. There is no real obvious direct route. One way suggested by my sat nav was to drive up the M5 and then miles and miles along the M4 which just smacked of idiocy to me. In the end I did a sort of hotch-potch of A303, A350, A361 etc etc. This also included a big hold up around the suburban delights of Chippenham. The journey seemed a lot longer as there was no Chris Evans on Radio 2 this morning and instead I had to endure Richard Madeley and his appalling taste in music.

I got to Noremarsh school and it is, just like last time, and absolute delight. I am greeted by Mrs Parker who booked me the previous time - a lovely lady originally from Weston-super-Mare. No wonder she moved. It was a truly fun day all round, with delightful teachers, great kids, and lots of good humour and joking all day. I was using the head teacher's office as my dressing room, bless him, which meant me evicting him at various points during the day so I could rip all my clothes off (and no one wants to see that, trust me). But he was very good natured about it and even rigged up a blind on the window in his door so I wouldn't upset any passing impressionable types.

Lunch was a real rarity - a school dinner that was (1) delicious, (2) in no need of any seasoning to give it flavour, and (3) filling! It was a pasta bake with a bolognese type sauce and with cheese crumbled over the top. I could get used to this very easily.

The afternoon was the best fun I have had in a long time. Really funny, laugh out loud kids, me pretending to flirt with one of the teachers (which brought some of the kids to the point of hysterics they laughed so much), a great stocks session and finished off with the usual pounding finale of the jousting tournament. This was of a really high quality with the final result in the balance almost all the way, but was won, inevitably so it seems, by the ladies team. They now score as follows:

GENTLEMEN 20 - 25 LADIES

Great stuff. I packed up and was soon on my way home. All this and Manchester City sticking 5 goals past Sunderland at the weekend. How marvellous.

There was one really funny spot to the day - two little girls who said that I shouted too much, and burst into tears nearly every time I said or did anything. When I asked the teachers if they were alright, their reply was refreshing in it's honesty. "Oh, those two, don't worry about them, they cry at everything. They're just pathetic!" So there you go!

I am off to Somerton Infants tomorrow up near Glastonbury for a banquet with the little ones up there, then on Thursday I begin a long journey that will finish in, of all places, Stranraer. Watch this blog for more info soon!

Wootton Basset AND Hever Castle - on a Bank Holiday Weekend?

No need to go overseas today!  After the Isle of Wight jaunt the other day I was up for another early start - today was a trip to Noremarsh Junior School in Wootton Basset in Wiltshire, followed by a breathless dash through bank holiday clogged motorways to the beautiful Hever Castle in Kent.

The early drive to Wootton Basset was relatively easy and the school was a delight - bright and cheerful, full of very nice teachers and with some hilarious and very excitable children.   It was a group of about 90+ children, a mixture of years 3 and 4, and all of them hyper about the prospect of a day with Henry VIIIth!  They showed some great Tudor knowledge in the morning and there were laughs aplenty. They were so loud and excited in the morning I knew that the afternoon was going to be good, and I was right.  The stocks part of the show was riotous, and ended up with Mr Simpson, the head teacher, stuck in the pillory and being booed by the children.  The jousting - wow.  The noise! After several closely fought bouts it was the gentlemen who ran off with the title of champions for the year.  And so I was soon on my way.

This was to be my first appearance at Hever Castle as Henry and I very nearly didn't make it.  On a good day it should take about two and a bit hours from Wootton Basset to Hever in Kent - but this was not a good day - it was a Friday afternoon, of a bank holiday weekend and the sun was shining.  Everything was fine and dandy while I was on the M4 heading east.  I made very good time, but then I got to the M25.  Oh dear.  If you ever needed a more compelling argument for NOT living in the South East of England, then this road takes some beating.  Dragging along, not getting much above 20 mph, everyone fractious and fighting for any limited piece of road space.  It was awful.  My estimated time of arrival at Hever kept getting later and later on my Sat Nav.  But then, lo and behold, the traffic cleared a little and I was suddenly on a back road in Kent and getting very close.  This booking was directly from the show I did at the Excel Arena in London about a month ago - a German company was entertaining all their tour operators who worked in the UK and were visiting various tourist sites in South East England, hence their presence at Hever.  I was greeted at Hever by some lovely people - the staff were incredibly friendly and welcoming.  I was soon changed and meeting and greeting the German group as they finished a tour of this beautiful Castle.  I was photographed by many of the guests and chatted with a lot of them, all of their English being impeccable.  Soon I was leading them down to the banquet suite and then I was finished.  I set off for Essex to stay with Amanda and James in Basildon, and enjoyed another tortuous journey there, but most of that was because my Sat Nav kept taking me down the most ridiculous small tiny back roads and what seemed like circles before I finally found a main road and then the dear old M25 again.

I was possibly working up at the British Library on Bank Holiday Monday, but I am suffering with Cellulitus in my left leg at the moment and it really needs a rest at the moment, so a rest is what it is going to get!  Have a nice weekend everyone.