The Parable of the Yo-Yo-ing Henry VIII

Good King Hal trying valiantly to out-stare a Triffid.

And Lo, it came to pass, that in the land that is known as Somerset, there dwelt a man called Good King Hal who didst wear tights and impersonate some old Queen or something. And verily he wouldst travel the country and startle children and teachers alike with stories of times past. And e'en now Good King of the Hal wouldst booketh his appearances so that they wouldst all be in the same area of the land that is known as Eng-Er-Land and he wouldst not have to fanny-eth about on the motorway too much. Well, that was-eth the plan. In the month that is January in the year of our Lord that is 2012, it did come to pass that Good King of the Hal had somewhat nausethed up his bookings and lo it did also come to pass that he would be doing a show in the land that is known as Dorset and then immediately have to driveth unto even like the Button that is known as Jensen, and haul his Tudor bottom all the way over to the land that is known as Norfolk in lesseth time than it taketh the on-line supplier, that is known as Amazon, to getteth a new DVD to you, even with their bargain delivery service. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and use of the "F" word. And thou doesn't have to be a mind reader to worketh out what happened next... Here end the lesson.

Yes folks, it was time to get on the road and do some quite obscene amounts of driving. I was heading on the Thursday back to Downlands School at Blandford Camp in Dorset. This was my fourth visit to them, but I only get to go there every two years as I do my show for years 3 and 4 combined. As Blandford Camp is an army base you must sign in through their security post when you first arrive. As it was I arrived at the camp at about 7.30am and presented myself to the security guards. They had not been informed by the school that I was coming but seemed to see this as some sort of fault on my behalf. I was treated with utter contempt by one elderly uniformed creep and with slight disdain by the other hoary old Scottish git. When I asked them what I should do I was told in no uncertain terms to basically bugger off and sit in my car until 8am. This I did, but was then told on returning to the Chuckle Brothers that they had still not managed to get hold of anyone at the school. The elderly uniformed creep had now gone off duty and I was left in the warm tender care of the thistle flavoured one. Eventually word was got to the school and they avowed that I was not a psychotic Al Qaeeda operative with explosives strapped to my codpiece and I was let in.

It was nice to be back at Downlands - the school has been almost completely rebuilt in the two years since I was last there. It looks fantastic! It was a brilliant day as ever at Downlands - lovely kids, great teachers and lots of fun and games. I was warmly welcomed and treated like real Royalty by everyone there, which made up for the rude welcome from the Security Guards. After lunch we had a stunning jousting tournament which was won by a very good Ladies team. The score then stood at:

GENTLEMEN 11 - 15 LADIES

I drove back to Crewkerne and packed a small suitcase and was soon on my way up a rapidly darkening A303 for a trip to Essex. On my arrival I was hugged tightly by my lovely son, always a good welcome.

I was up at 5am on the Friday morning for a two and a bit hours drive up to Martham Junior School near Norwich. My previous two visits to this school had been at the height of summer, so it was a bit of a shock to the nervous system to arrive in temperatures only just above freezing. But the welcome was as warm as the hottest summer day. Martham is a delightful school and it is a real pleasure to go back there every time. It was a biggish group, over 100 children, a mixture of year 5 and 6, and they were fantastic - so full of life and enthusiasm. The noise when they really got going was almost unbelievable and the jousting was of a suitably high standard. At last though it was time for the gents to finally snatch a well deserved victory. So at the end of the week the score is:

GENTLEMEN 12 - 15 LADIES

I drove back to Essex for a couple of days with my lovely son, then this morning it was back to yo-yo-ing up and down the A303 for a return to Somerset and tomorrow morning I am off down to Tiverton in Devon and another visit to Blundell's Prep School. And just to show the yo-yo-ing isn't over, the day after that I have to drive back to Essex for a visit to Wickford School. I really must not organise a week like this again for a while. I don't think my car will forgive me if I do.

It's The End of the World as We Know It... But not till later on...

Good King Hal, the morning after the 31st December wondering whether the third pint of kerosene was really such a good idea after all.

2012? So what is due? The London Olympics for a start. Not that I have been contacted by the organising committee - it might be a long shot if I am aiming to line up against Usain Bolt in the 100 metres, but I did give them my details a while ago wondering if they might need Henry VIII for some of their publicity. But so far - in the words of Bluebottle - "not a sossige". And what else for 2012? Oh yes, the end of the World. Apparently some Mayan Priests have predicted the end of everything by 2012, which is nearly quarter past eight on the 24 hour clock. So I better have an early dinner tonight otherwise I might be about to meet my maker with indigestion. Very embarrassing.

Professionally, I have Henry shows coming up at Ilchester, Hereford, Blandford, Tiverton and Wickford in Essex for this month and many more next month, which is good. I am also having a fund raising evening for the National Austistic Society masquerading as a birthday party at the end of February at which I am hoping many friends will come along.

But don't forget - for the finest Key Stage 2 Tudor Day for your pupils and at your school then contact Good King Hal either via this blog, at the website www.goodkinghal.co.uk or follow Good King Hal on Facebook.

Happy New Year everyone - have a great year. Until nearly quarter past eight tonight when we're all DOOMED!!!!!!

Downlands School, Blandford Camp

Good King Hal (right), doing incredible things with a small round piece of wood and a bit of string.

Once every two years I head off down to Blandford Camp, near Blandford Forum in Dorset, for an appearance at Downlands School on the Army Camp. It is home to the Royal Signals Corps and is always a bit of a shock when you come from the normal civvies world to suddenly find yourself surrounded by more soldiers than you can shake a stick at! I had spent Monday spending over £300 sorting out the terrible tyres faux pas that the RAC had foisted on me back in Essex a few weeks back. But that is a whole other story...

So this cold and frosty morning I made my way through the security check points and made my way to the school. It was a group of just under 60 children today, a mixture of year 3 & 4 - and they were a very excitable group, but all the better for it. It was a loud and raucous day, but they were a very enthusiastic group, eager to laugh and learn, and showed some very good prior Tudor knowledge already. The lovely teachers at this great school had gone to some lengths with their elegant costumes and all looked gorgeous! After a good, loud and enthusiastic morning we broke for lunch. Lunchtime was quite a laugh as well in a very good natured and fun staff room!

The afternoon went swimmingly and ended with a very loud and exciting joust. The gents led all the way to the final leg when, with just one missed quoit on the home straight, they left the door open for the ladies to come storming through to an exciting triumph. Great stuff. This now opens an even bigger lead for the ladies on the year long score. The latest is:

GENTLEMEN 12 - 20 LADIES

Well done ladies. Tomorrow the gents have a chance to pull one back with a return appearance for me at the lovely St Michael's School in Wimborne in Dorset.

Downlands School, Blandford Camp

Some two years ago, for the very first time, I attempted to get to a school using my (then) brand new Sat Nav system in my car. It was a baptism of fire for "Doris" and me! She had a bit of a "bad hair day" and attempted to get me to Downlands School in Blandford Camp, Dorset, via a brick wall enclosed builders yard. Today, for what might well prove to be her swan song, "Doris" (my sat nav) was on board to try and bring me back to Downlands! As I may have mentioned in recent days, "Doris" isn't too well at the moment and is much in need of either repair, or total abandonment. She didn't let me down today though and I arrived bright and early at the security gates at this vast army camp. I was quickly signed in and had a photo pass issued to me (they still had me on record from the previous visit two years back). I managed to even snaffle a car parking spot right outside the front door to the school.

It was great to be back, a really lovely school and some charming teachers, all dressed to the nines in their finest Tudor clothing! The ever helpful caretaker took care of me and helped me lug my Henry stuff into the main hall. The children were all dressed up in some equally fantastic Tudor garb, a lot of it painstakingly home made, but looking wonderful. Despite not having done much on the Tudors in class yet this year the children were eager to show off their knowledge. They had all obviously been reading a lot of books about Henry and his life, though pronunciation of names was proving tricky. One little girl told me that Henry's second wife was called "Annie Boyling". And who knows, perhaps she was!

After lunch we had a smashing session with the crime and punishment talk and a lot of fun with the stocks before we got on to the inevitable loud jousting tournament. The girls won on a "penalty shoot out" today, just managing to snatch victory from the gents on the second re-hooking. Downlands is a fabulous school and my only regret is that as whenever I visit them I do two years at once which means I won't get a chance to see them all again for another two years! So see you in 2010!

My journey home was a little fraught as the Troy Town by-pass was shut because of an accident and "Doris'" batteries were running low - but I made it!

Tomorrow I am off to Chard to lovely old Manor Court School and a meeting with Deputy Head, Lizzie Reynolds.