Birchfield, Brides and Books.

Anne Boleyn: You are Johnny Vegas and I claim my 400 groats.  Henry VIII:  Anne Boleyn, it is with great regret when I say - you're for the chop.

Snow?  What snow?  Almost as soon as it had come the inclement disgusting white stuff was on it's way out.  And good thing too.  My return visit to Birchfield Junior School in Yeovil was going to be a good one - all my visits there in the past had been equally entertaining.  The main road from Crewkerne to Yeovil is currently being dug up for some reason or other, so I found the early part of the journey involved lots of fannying around in minor country roads.  I arrived at the school under glowering grey skies and loaded my stuff into the hall.  As on my previous visits they have a large "Story Tellers" chair which they bring in, clean down and drape cloth over it to turn into a splendid throne for me.  Smashing.  Well it was, as in every visit I have made to the school, a real rip roaring fun day - a great sparky group of kids and lots of laughs.  The final joust was deafening and ended with ANOTHER win for the lads.  They are really on a roll now and have clawed the scores back to:

GENTLEMEN 11 - 13 LADIES

By the time I had got round to taking my props back out to the car, the rain that had been falling all day was slowly morphing into big fat round snowflakes that plopped down and refused to melt, the utter gits.  It snowed most of that night and for a good part of the following morning.  With a new covering of snow now in place my proposed visit to Riverside School in Hereford was certainly at risk and after a quick call to that school my visit was postponed until the 13th February.

On the Thursday, in the thick snow, I didn't go far aside from popping into the local Waitrose for some bits and pieces.  There was only one couple ahead of me at the checkout, an elderly couple of right old carrot crunchers.  Their stuff went through and they packed it away in various bags.  She pulled out a bulging leather purse, opened it and immediately a torrent of loose change exploded all over the floor.  Mostly coppers.  Her elderly husband and I then took to scrambling on the floor and picking them all up.  We poured the coins back into her purse which she zipped up.  The lady on the till then repeated their total.  "Oh yes" says the old lady, unzips her purse and.... there is a second explosion of loose change all over the floor.  I have to say that by now I was helpless with laughter and incapable of picking the change up this time.  When they had finally left and I got to the checkout girl she explained that they came in every week and ALWAYS did that.  So if you want a good bit of free entertainment folks, get yourselves down to Waitrose in Crewkerne and look out for this couple.

I drove to Kent on the Friday morning and spent some lovely time with Shelley and Owen.  On the Saturday afternoon I went to Essex and had some quality time with my lovely son James.  On the Sunday a group of us went to Detling Showground in Kent to check out the latest Wedding Fair and see if our proposed Tudor Wedding plan was looking good - and it was.  Michelle and I went in costume and got quite a bit of attention.  The cartoon above was done for us by the Artful Doodler - what a clever chap.  And I do look like Johnny Vegas in my picture, no matter what some people say.

Back down to Somerset and I was interviewed today by the lovely Marion Draper from the View From Crewkerne newspaper about my nearly 10 years of being Henry.  We met at Bilby's Cafe in Crewkerne and over a tea cake and pot of tea we put the world to rights.  I should be in next week's issue, so look out for that.  After bidding goodbye to Marion I wandered down to Gresham Books, a big antiquarian book seller at the head of Crewkerne High Street - saw a magnificent book from 1910 called "C B Fry's Who's Who of Cricket" in a leather bound jacket - wow.  I wanted it so much.  Till I saw the price. £125.  Ah, maybe not.  I'll wait till it comes out in paper back.  I'll get my purse out and release a tsunami of coppers.

Bishop's Down Primary, Tunbridge Wells

His Majesty, The King, suffering from a tremendous bout of Hampton Court. But then he shouldn't have sat down so quickly.

The rather pleasant sunny weather of the last few days was only a memory on Tuesday morning. After finishing at Sudeley Castle on the Sunday, by Monday I was back on the road heading to Kent for a visit to Bishops Down Primary School in Royal Tunbridge Wells on the Tuesday. The Monday drive had been through the same bright but cold weather of the weekend, but Tuesday dawned grey and cold, with threatening clouds overhead. Tunbridge Wells is a very attractive town most of the time, but even it's charms were somewhat limited in the ceaseless, steady downpour of rain.

I had been booked to appear at this school by a lady called Sarah Grimsey, and she was there to greet me when I parked up outside the school's front doors. She shot up in my estimation by first and foremost being very friendly and welcoming, but then did even better by making me a cup of tea. It was a mixed group of years 5 and 6 for today - about 50 children in total, and they were lovely. Full of laughs and, considering I was their official introduction to the Tudors topic, very well informed on all things Henry VIII. The morning finished in their classroom for a very funny question and answer session.

Lunch was a delicious pesto pasta with home made meat balls - absolutely lovely! The afternoon was equally loud and fun, and when we came to the jousting tournament it was deafening. The final got us back to our usual result with the ladies romping to a very competent and well deserved victory. Our score for the year is now:

GENTLEMEN 14 - 25 LADIES

That is a very big lead the ladies now have, and to be honest I can't see the gentlemen catching them, or am I just doing Roberto Mancini mind games?

I was quite low on fuel as I headed back to my sister's place near Detling, but do you think I could find a petrol station between the school in Tunbridge Wells and Stockbury? Could I heck. I saw one on my side of the road the whole way, and so badly positioned was it that you couldn't see or notice it till you were well past it on a non-turning duel carriageway. Finally, I conceded I would have to stop at the little petrol station at the top of Detling Hill... WRONG! I pulled up on their forecourt with my car virtually running on fumes, to be greeted by big signs saying "Sorry, we are temporarily closed. Apologies for any inconvenience." I then had trouble getting back on the road as some tit in a tarmac-spreading lorry had parked on the slip road back on to the A249 and was reading a newspaper, utterly blocking any attempt to rejoin the carriageway. When he finally grudgingly agreed to move out the way for me I cheerfully waved at him, in that time honoured tradition of miffed drivers. My, how we laughed.

A day off today for a flying visit to Essex to see my beloved son, then tomorrow a drive up to Northumberland... ooh! Now, time to find me that long over due petrol.

Kent 2020 Business Expo

After the fun and games of the Best of Britain show at the Excel London arena last week, I had been asked to join the Visit Kent Stand at the Kent 2020 Business Exhibition at Detling Showground midway between Sittingbourne and Maidstone. I was due at the stand at 12 noon and would be finished by 3pm. So not too bad. I stayed the night before at my sister's in Stockbury which is only about a mile or so from Detling as the crow flies. However, as the King trudges it's a bit further as you have to navigate the joys of the dual carriageway on the A249. I had left Somerset the day before basking in beautiful early spring sunshine, so I wore a fairly cool outfit for the morning down to Detling. WRONG! It was like Siberia up on the showground, no sunshine and a howling cold wind. I parked near the main pavilion and then began the "where the hell am I going to get changed" routine. There was a baby changing unit in a portakabin type thing, but it was firmly locked. Eventually I was pointed to the main office for the showground and there was a disabled toilet which proved perfect.

I had a great time wandering round the show, chatting, leafleting, being photographed and spreading the word about Visit Kent. I headed back to the stand and stood by ready to dish out more leaflets when I saw a lady helping herself to some of the free Cadbury's Mini Eggs on our stand - I turned round just as the egg she'd popped in her mouth shot out and landed with a resounding "clang" back in the metal bowl it had come from. She looked at me like an errant school child and a big embarrassed grin on her face. I laughed with her and made a Henry type comment about her fishing it out and don't just leave it there. I also did the usual kissing of the hand and asked her name. She replied "Janet" - and suddenly I recognised her. It was Janet Fielding - JANET FIELDING! Formerly of Doctor Who from 1981 to 1984 where she played Australian air hostess Tegan Jovanka opposite Peter Davison's Fifth Doctor (is my anorak showing now?) I was a big fan of both her and Sarah Sutton in those days as I was aged about 14-16 during that time and they were both drop dead gorgeous and would occasionally interrupt my sleep pattern - but enough of that. She was absolutely lovely and we had a great chat and she revealed she is working hard to get a Ramsgate Arts Festival going. I recommended a one man Henry VIIIth show - she didn't say no. She even didn't mind when I requested someone take a photo of us together - even after we had to have the photo taken three times as they lady who's camera phone we borrowed wasn't entirely sure how it worked.

The afternoon finished and I was a happy man - great company on the stall, lots of nice people to chat to and I had got to meet Janet Fielding. Great stuff. Almost as good as meeting Cherie Lunghi back in 2005 at the Rolf on Art TV programme I was on. But that's another story.

Coming soon - Henry VIIIth is back in "Henry's Horrid History" at Barrington Court on April 18th. Be there!

By the way - hope you like the picture of Janet from 1984.