Smarter Than the Hever-age Bear...

Good King Hal and Anne Boleyn launch into an eye watering rendition of "Riverdance" during their "live" appearance at Hever Castle.

Another weekend, and another trip down to Hever Castle. The Friday (12th August) was proving a bit dodgy as I was suddenly short of one Anne Boleyn. I tried many friends and finally had to admit defeat. I called Hever Castle with the news on the Thursday, but they were wonderful and said they'd ask some of their staff to see if someone was available - and they came back with good news! A lovely lady called Jane, who happened to be one of their senior stewards, volunteered and arrived just before the show was due to start in her own costume, and she looked brilliant. We had a fine day with not too much heat and a relatively good turn out for the show. We were short of William of Antioch, which is always detrimental to the shows in my humble opinion, but he was due back on the Saturday and Sunday.

For the Saturday and Sunday I was to be ably supported by my dear old friend Lisa Hudson who was going to be Anne Boleyn. I was so pleased she agreed to come along and do this for me as I knew she'd look fabulous in the costume - as you can see from our "Riverdance" picture above - she did! We had a little trouble getting Lisa sorted in her costume as she is relatively short, but is also very large in the chesticles department. We therefore had a fair old battle lacing her into her corset top, but she looked beautiful when finished! Lisa was an absolute star on both days and we had a real laugh doing both the shows. The kids we posed for photos with really warmed to her and she even got one little girl wanting to keep hugging her! Lisa's husband Adam (an old cricket team companion of mine from The Hoop Cricket Club) came along on the Sunday along with their lovely kids Luke and Joe.

We managed to get another "real" injury on Saturday, to compliment Sir Stephen of Porlock's dislocated shoulder at the previous show! This time, doing one of his spectacular falls, Sir Ashley of Hampshire managed to cut his head badly on the inside of his jousting helmet. Blood everywhere and five stitches were needed - he completed the show with a large white bandage on his head which prompted the commentator to refer to him as "Ahmed of Hampshire" first of all, and then later on as "Sir Ashley bin Laden". He was back to his usual "ruggedly handsome" self on the Sunday.

Changing the subject, as some of you may or may not know, my personal life is somewhat fraught at the moment. However, I have been overwhelmed with messages of love and support from so many friends over the previous couple of days that I am truly very touched and moved. It is at times like this that you do discover your true friends, and I am lucky enough to say I have many. You all know who you are, so thank you one and all. (Moves right and brushes something away from his eye, which is not a tear... honest. I am a roughtie-toughtie King FFS).

Anyway, Manchester City thumped Swansea 4-0 tonight, so that is enough to put a smile on my face for a little while. And now to listen to "Your Dictionary" by XTC - a lot.

Henry's Horrid History Part 1, plus lots of other things...

Lots of things have occurred since I last updated this blog, and though I am tired and aching for bed, I cannot let this opportunity go to get things "back on track" so to speak.

Last weekend I was in Wales spending a few precious restful days with my parents out in Newcastle Emlyn. We had a nice, brief couple of days, but managed to fit in a trip to the wonderful Harrison's Cafe in town and a trip to see my old friend Carole Evans (nee Davey) at her lovely pub/restaurant The Daffodil. I drove back to Somerset on the Monday. By Tuesday I was back up the A303 and M3 route back to Essex. I was to stay with my wife and son for a couple of days while I did a couple of shows in the south east. But not before a brief early morning appearance on Emma Britton's show on BBC Somerset. It was good fun to be back in the studio with her and we had a lively if predictable debate about dog mess... (Enough said really). From Taunton I headed straight up to Essex.

On the Wednesday it was a 5th return visit for me to Wickford Junior School in South Essex. This is a fabulous school, full of bright sparky children and some very cool teachers indeed! We had a fabulous day marred only by the grotty weather. A simply deafening jousting tournament finished the day off a treat with the inevitable victory for an excellent ladies team. This brings the score at the end of this day to:

GENTLEMEN 14 - 19 LADIES

My son James went to his karate class on Wednesday evening and, despite this only being his third visit, he came away with his first badge for his kit. Amanda and I were so proud of him, and he was rather pleased with himself! I drove down to Kent on the Wednesday evening to stay with my sister Cathy near Sittingbourne.

Thursday I was back down to the Isle of Sheppey and Queenborough School. I had last visited here back in 2008, but it was so nice to be back. The staff and children at this school could literally not do enough for me. They were all so kind and helpful, and we had a really fun day all together as well, which makes life a bit easier! The final of the jousting in the afternoon was, as predicted, deafeningly loud and boisterous and resulted in the narrowest of victories for a very good gents team. Which finally brings us to half term and the score standing at:

GENTLEMEN 15 - 19 LADIES

All still to play for.

On the Friday I had a meeting over lunch at Leeds Castle with Darlene Cavill and her assistant Becky Lander with everything set up and ready for the off on the Saturday for Henry's Horrid History Show. Saturday morning dawned grey and miserable - the rain poured and the wind howled. My venue this time around is a very nice posh marquee erected near the maze and the Wykeham Martin Centre (if you know Leeds Castle!). It is heated, has a stage and seats about 170 people comfortably. My shows are at 11am, 1pm and 2.30pm each day. Today at 11am , there was not a soul to be seen as the rain hammered down and the wind moaned like Robert Smith with his finger caught in his guitar strap. So after an extended and unexpected bonus lunch break the show finally started at 1pm. We had about 50 people in, including my old friends Adam and Lisa Hudson, late of The Hoop Cricket Club with their two fine sons in tow. They seemed to really enjoy the show, especially when I "executed" Lisa in the Anne Boleyn section of the talk! It was great to see them all. The final show of the day only garnered about 25-30 people, but the forecast is a little better for tomorrow, so fingers crossed.

And now, finally, at long last...bed...

Something Old, Something New....

Good King Hal, taking part in one of his favourite pass-times - international pro-celebrity wench hugging. He is now up to Olympic standard and is rapidly going blind.

And so it was to be back on the road again, two visits coming up, one in Essex and one in Hertfordshire. My first trip was on the Wednesday with a return visit to Tolleshunt D'arcy, the wonderfully named village near Maldon in Essex. I hadn't visited this school (St Nicholas') for a couple of years, but it was nice to be back. The trip to the school was entertaining, but not in a very nice way. My sat nav, halfway out of Basildon (where I was staying) suddenly decided to just freeze up completely. I tried turning it on and off but all to no avail, it would not pick up the route I needed. In the end I had to remove the data chip and put it back in making the whole system re-boot. But it seemed to work, the sat nav picked up the route again, only to then lose it again. And again, and again. Over and over it kept losing the satellites. It was a wonder I made it to the school at all! But I did. It was nice to see the teachers I had worked with before, including the glamorous TA who was a dead spit for the gorgeous Linda Lusardi! It was a small year three group, which was hard work occasionally, but most of the time they were a good, lively group and seemed to thoroughly enjoy their day with the King. The jousting was a lively affair and finally culminated in a long overdue victory for the Gentlemen! This made the score:

GENTLEMEN 10 - 13 LADIES

I left, and then encountered more problems with the ****ing sat nav. My predicament was not helped by the A414 down to Danbury and the A12 (my route home) was shut for no adequately explained reason. With the sat nav badly mis-firing I had to find my own way home. I eventually drove out back to the A12 via Hatfield Peverell. I was very glad to be home. That evening my wife and I took James (my lovely son) off to his karate lesson - this was only his second lesson, but he seemed to really enjoy himself. They certainly keep them moving there and by the time we got him home he was cream crackered!

The following morning I was up very early for a drive up to Ware in Hertfordshire for a visit to St Mary's Junior School. I was not sure how well my sat nav would behave so I took along a spare unit, quite an elderly one, that my wife has acquired as a sort of "belt and braces" approach. Typically, just when you thought it would be a day of frequently re-booting my sat nav, it worked perfectly. I got to the school very early, so decided to go off and find some petrol so I wouldn't have to stop on the way home. Apparently, they have never heard of petrol stations in Ware. I drove round and round and round, and eventually was forced to use the naughty sat nav and ended up driving nearly half way to Hertford before I found one. Mind you, it turned out to be worth it as the very attractive young lady who served me also turned out to be gobsmackingly dim as well, as she only charged me for my petrol and not the sandwich and drink I had bought for breakfast. The actual Tudor Day itself at St Mary's was a delight. This is a lovely school - great kids, lovely teachers and a warm friendly atmosphere throughout. It was a memorable first visit and a delight from start to finish. The jousting was a rollicking affair with so much noise. But a seemingly small and unsure ladies team stormed through to a remarkable victory! This now brings the latest score as:

GENTLEMEN 10 - 14 LADIES

I have a couple of days with my lovely son in Essex now, before heading back to Somerset this weekend. My next Henry appearance will be at Redstart Primary in Chard on Tuesday. I am looking forward to it! Oh, and there is talk of a Hoop Cricket Club reunion sometime soon - watch this space.

Downham Junior, Billericay

Good King Hal, auditioning for a part in the follow-up to Captain Corelli's Mandolin - known as "Captain Birdseye's Banjo".

About four years ago I did a one off Henry show at Downham School in Ramsden near Billericay in Essex. We had a good time as I recall, but now, out of the blue here I was being asked back for not one, but two days at Downham on consecutive days. Interesting and fun! I had driven to Essex on the Saturday so that I could spend some time on Mother's Day with Amanda and James.

I drove down early on Monday morning and actually got to Downham a bit too early, so I decided to take a short stroll down amnesia lane and headed a bit further up into Ramsden Heath to the Cricket ground where my old club "The Hoop Cricket Club" used to play their home games. We played there from between 1991 and 1998 when I left for the wilds of Somerset and the club almost immediately folded (see? Without the guiding hand of yours truly...). Sitting in the car park by the old club house it was a sad sight to behold. Admittedly we weren't a particularly talented team (me especially) but we had great camaraderie and the apres cricket was of an almost legendary status. The pitch we used was only a concrete strip with matting on it, but it was OUR pitch! Looking at it this week some nearly 12 years hence it looked very worn and abandoned, plus with two regularly used football pitches abutting onto it, one of which has now for some unknown reason been surrounded by a small white picket fence, there is no chance of any cricket being played on there again. Very sad. It made me think back to all the players and characters associated with the Hoop Cricket Club - Paul Smith, the Captain; Mick Stephenson, vice captain and naturally gifted wicket-keeper; and all the other players and members - Malcolm Taylor, Stuart Filby, Gareth Clipstone, Andy Banks, Adam Hudson, Gordon Scammell, Mike Slowey, Mike Escott, Sara Turner, Jim Hawes, Steve Fawkes, Paul Lagden, Paul Eaton, and our near legendary umpire, dear old Alan Bourne - the fastest finger in the west! I got back to the school and got set up for the show. But I was in for another haunting from the Hoop Cricket Club past! As I was sorting out my paper work, a small note left for me from St Michael's School in Wimborne in Dorset last week fell out. It was contact details for another school in the Dorset area recommended by a teacher at St Michael's and it was called - believe it or not - Allenbourne Junior! Alan Bourne strikes again!

Both of my days at Downham Junior were brilliant. Fabulous school, delightful kids, really kind and attentive teachers, and payment from County Hall in Chelmsford that really was faster than a speeding bullet! It was about 90+ children on the Monday and another nearly 60 children on the Tuesday. Excellent stuff, loads of laughs, some great Tudor knowledge, and fun and learning hand in hand having a good time! Wonderful.

On both days the jousting was of a quite brilliantly high standard and on both days we had the same result - comprehensive victories for the ladies in both instances! This now brings our score to:

GENTLEMEN 13 - 22 LADIES

This is getting embarrassing chaps! Come on! I am off to Falcon Junior in Sprouston in Norwich tomorrow, so a bright early start from sunny Basildon for me! Then back to Somerset and on Thursday the long awaited interview with Andy Partridge of XTC is destined to take place. I can't wait. There is also a possibility in the near future of another phone interview with a rock idol of mine - namely the wonderful Thomas Walsh of Pugwash and the brilliant cricket obsessed band The Duckworth Lewis Method. Again, watch this space!