I'm Ready For My Close Up, Mr DeMille...

The King finally discovers the reason why men wear cod pieces.  This was a mere 37 seconds before someone invented the hat stand.

I'd only just finished another weekend at Hever Castle, so guess where I was on the Wednesday and Thursday?  Yes!  Lerwick in the Shetland Islands.  I jest.  Of course I was back at Hever Castle, but this time to film the long awaited and promised comedy short "The Six Wives of Henry VIII in 2 Minutes and 19 Seconds".  I had put together a script and Hever had sorted out some ladies to play some of my wives, but it was down to me to sort out the final few.  I called in the lovely Zarrina and Louise from Tudor Gowns, naturally I had the wonderful Michelle Coda and her other half Matt on hand, plus there was the lovely Katherine Miller who only lived up in Greenwich with easy access to Hever.  My final choice for a wife was a bit surprising.  It was my old mate Ian Weston from Portals to the Past - he was to play Anne of Cleves, and he did it marvellously.  Vivien from the Hever Marketing Department was on hand to help out with any problems we might encounter, plus of course we had Doug Bolton from Maveryk TV as our camerman/lighting engineer and soon to be editor and sound effects wrangler.  Well we had two fantastic days to film our little epic and it was such a fun time.  I can honestly say I have never had more fun or been more knackered at the end of a Tudor related event.  It was lovely to work with a group of people where there was no egos, no delicate personalities and no squabbles or back biting.  We just got on with it and had a terrific laugh in the process.  The photo above shows the lovely Helen Reeves from Hever Castle with her friend Charlotte (also from Hever staff) with Matt Rentell as the Priest and yours truly as Henry VIII in a scene we shot early on the second morning, of Arthur and Catherine of Aragon's wedding, followed very swiftly by the marriage of Henry to Catherine of Aragon just after Arthur pops his clogs.  Even Ian Weston, a veteran of numerous film shoots for cinema and TV said that the two days had been the most fun he'd ever had on a shoot, and this from a man who has worked with Ridley Scott!  Take THAT Ridley!  So thank you Hever, thank you Vivien, and a massive thanks to Zarrina, Louise, Katherine, Michelle, Matt, Ian, Helen, Charlotte, all the staff who work at Hever and helped us out so much, and most of all, to Doug Bolton for his genius with a camera and his help and advice in making this dream a reality.  Watch out for when we post the finished item here.  And anyone I have forgotten to thank here - SORRY!

I was back at Hever for Friday and Saturday for two more days jousting.  It was two pleasant days, aside from the near biblical flood we had on the Saturday.  Our costumes were drenched and poor old James, my lovely son, fell over twice on the rain sodden walk back to the Castle and promptly announced on our arrival back in our dressing room: "I WANT TOMORROW OFF!"  And so he did.

Sunday and Monday found me driving back up to Castle Hedingham in Essex for the final two days of jousting for this summer with the Knights of Royal England.  We had two lovely days in near perfect weather, but by now most of the jousters were running on empty and even the young ones seemed to be flagging.  But we put on two good shows on each day and got some tremendous feedback from all those that watched.  So another summer of jousting comes to an end and I have about four days to myself before the schools all start again and it's back to rushing round like a Tudor blue arsed fly!

Two Hever Weekends



Ronseal.  Just don't try this at home.

If it's a weekend in August then it must be time for some jousting at Hever Castle in Kent.  As usual a fun weekend was had with the Knights of Royal England, and it was as ever a delight to have Michelle Coda with me as Anne Boleyn.  We love doing the shows and despite moaning about how long it takes, we really enjoy our walk back from the jousting arena to the Castle.  We get stopped virtually ever two or three paces for photos with groups ranging from family groups with loads of children, to hen parties and bewildered looking Chinese tourists.  We also tot up how many times we get asked if we are hot in our costumes.  To save you time, everyone who might come to see us joust, yes we are hot.  Very very very hot.

James, my lovely son, is always at my side as the King's herald, but on the first of the two weekends, on the Sunday, his Mum Mandy came along and accompanied us after the show back to Somerset for a few days.  Somerset was where James was born back in 2002 and I always enjoy taking him for visits to his old haunts, keeping the memories alive for him.  We had a lovely time over the three days they were down, none more so than when we took James down to West Bay in Dorset, where the TV series "Broadchurch" with David Tennant was filmed and he enjoyed himself immensely catching crabs (steady) down at the harbour.  His patience, not good at the best of times, was tested severely.  We recommended that he should put his net in, leave it for at least five minutes before checking it.  His net was barely in the water for more than 30 seconds before he was hauling it out and cursing his bad luck without a crab in sight.  We finally persuaded him to leave the net in slightly longer and he promptly pulled out a crab of Brobdingnagian proportions, much to the chagrin of the other children similarly fishing around him.  The rest of his catches didn't really live up to that opening promise, but he thoroughly enjoyed himself.  We crowned a fine morning with fish and chips from the wrapper while sitting on the front.  Lovely.

We met up with Sue English and Ian Weston from Portals to the Past who were having a little holiday in Somerset.  We had a fine dinner with them at the Duke of York Pub in Shepton Beauchamp, which was just like the old days.  The next day we headed back to the south east so we could prepare for yet more jousting at Hever Castle.  We were lucky with the weather again and the shows seemed to be getting better and better.

And so this week I am down at (you guessed it) Hever Castle filming a quick promo video for them, then on the Friday and Saturday I am back at H***r C****e (fill in the blanks yourself) for more jousting before then heading up to Essex to visit Castle Hedingham for the Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday for the final two jousting days of the season.  It has been terrific fun, hard work and I can't wait till next season.

Inspected Wexford (geddit?), 50th bashes, jousting and no blogs (sorry)

The lovely, LOVELY Wexford at night.  I am the 572nd pixel from the left, pissed in a bar.

I had not had a proper full blown holiday for over four years, and I sort of reckoned I deserved one. But the question was where to go.  I had finally plumped for Ireland, a place I hadn't visited since about 1997 when I had spent most of the time over in Kerry dodging the rain that was hammering down.  I caught the ferry from Fishguard in Wales and took the three plus hours crossing to Rosslare.  I was going to stay in Wexford, a town I knew precious little about, but was willing to learn.  It would also give me an excellent opportunity to catch up with my old friend Emily, a lovely lass from Wexford who I used to work with up in London back in 1994.  Well the whole holiday was delightful - the weather was just perfect, almost too hot to be honest.  Em and her family were fabulous guides and looked after me magnificently, sorted out accommodation for me and even opened up various opportunities for new business.  They could not have done more for me.  Em's Dad, Noel took to referring to me as "yer man Cromwell" in deference to the famous Oliver who rather dented any opportunity of being voted "Most Popular Man In Wexford" by burning down the town and massacring the inhabitants.  I drove up to the Wicklow mountains and visited Glendalough (packed to the rafters with tourists) and the lovely Vale of Avoca.  I also got to visit Loftus Hall (the most haunted house in Ireland apparently!), the Hook Head Lighthouse (oldest operating lighthouse in the world), Kilmore Quay and ate more potatoes and drank more Guinness in seven days than I have in the previous seven years.  Marvellous.

When I got back to Wales I went straight to my folks house in Newcastle Emlyn for my sister Sue's 50th birthday party weekend.  It began on Friday 12th July with a surprise party for her at my parents place, with several old friends arriving earlier than she expected.  My sister, being my sister did of course phone in while we were all waiting for her to say she was running an hour late.  This meant by the time she did arrive most of the guests were virtually paralytic with drink, but it made for a most convivial atmosphere.  On the 13th Sue had her own party at her house near Cynwyl Elfed which was again bathed in beautiful sunshine.  A lovely day was spent sitting in her garden and drinking - not a bad way to see the day through.  It was a lovely weekend and nice to see so many old friends.
One week later I was on at Barrington Court for a walkabout at the old place.  Again the intense summer heat had continued.  We are never happy in this country.  For the previous five or six summers we have moaned and complained about the soggy miserable weather we have endured.  Now as soon as we get a hot one everyone is moaning again.  I can't wait for the tons of snow again come winter.  The day after Barrington I was up at Sudeley Castle in Gloucestershire for another of their Tudor Fun Days.  I was there with Zarrina, Diane, Justine, Louise and Sarah from Tudor Gowns, who all looked beautiful, and also Rachel from Tudor Roses who was equally stunning and fun to be with.  We had a lovely day wandering round, but even there the sun became so hot that we eventually capitulated at about 4pm and made a run for our cars and the haven of air conditioning.
The weekend of the 26th, 27th and 28th of July found me jousting at Hever Castle again in Kent.  The Friday was a normal joust featuring all the usual suspects, but the Saturday and Sunday were new "International" tournaments featuring teams of English and French knights taking each other on.  Franck and Manou were most definitely pukka French riders, but Matthew's accent was distinctly home counties!  They as the French team took on Jeremy, Sam and Ash as the English Knights.  Much fun and racial stereotypes later we had a show.  On the Sunday in particular we had a massive turn out for the show with the car parks absolutely rammed to bursting point.  Reaction to the shows was brilliant with so many laughs.  We must do this again!
I now have my lovely son James staying with me down here in Somerset and he and I are off to Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire this weekend for another three days of fun jousting with the Knights of Royal England.  Be lovely to see you there. 

Coughing All Over the World

Good King Hal, wowing his audience so much at a recent performance of "Henry's Horrid History" Barrington Court, that some of the punters, overcome with emotion, have to make a mad run for the exit.

This was a week to test the endurance and tensile strength of everything from my lungs to my underpants, as I careered around the country, full of cold and coughing over as many people as I could manage.  Things started on the Thursday night when I was booked to appear at Tatworth WI club near Chard in Somerset.  Hollywood glitz?  You don't know the half of it.  So I was at this glamorous post war village hall, surrounded by the great and good of the Tatworth committee rooms, singing my heart out to "Jerusalem" at the beginning of the meeting.  Then I was on stage, entertaining them with bonne mottes of Tudor history and humour, interspersed with violent coughing fits and some gentle swearing.  Gosh this cold was turning out to be fun.  Nearly all of my symptoms had gone, and all I was left with was an occasionally runny nose, but this awful rumbling chesty cough that only ever reared it's head when I went to laugh.  And here, a week hence, I STILL have that awful cough and I am FED UP OF THE GIT!  Anyway, my evening with the quiet ladies of the WI came to an end and I was thanked and photographed a lot.  But that was not the end of my evening, oh no.  No sooner had I left Tatworth, I had to leap into my car and drive right the way across the country in the pitch dark and occasional violent downpour of rain, to my beloved Shelley's house in Maidstone.

On the Friday I was due to join Michelle Coda and various members of the Knights of Royal England on a visit over to East Grinstead and Saint Hill Manor, former home of L Rob Hubbard and now a centre for the International Scientology Movement.  We were to be part of the entertainment at their international symposium, or something or other.  Now my own personal view of Scientology is (THE FOLLOWING SECTION OF GOOD KING HAL'S BLOG HAS BEEN SCREENED FOR LEGAL AND SAFETY REASONS AND IN AN EFFORT NOT TO UPSET TOM CRUISE ANY MORE THAN HE HAS BEEN UPSET IN THE PAST YEAR.  FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE, SOOTHING MUSIC IS NOW BEING PLAYED AND IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST IF YOU NIPPED OFF FOR A GLASS OF WATER OR SOMETHING.  HANG ON, I THINK HE'S FINISHED). And another thing (OOPS, MY MISTAKE.  HE'S OFF AGAIN. ER.... DREADFUL WEATHER WE'RE HAVING LATELY, DON'T YOU THINK?  AND THAT ROY HODGSON, DOES HE KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING OR WHAT? WHAT'S THAT?  OH, HE HAS FINISHED NOW.  BACK TO "COUGH-A-LONG" FARLEY)... and about as believable as most Tory party political broadcasts.  But that's just me.  So for the best part of a whole day we were surrounded by Scientologists from all corners of the World and I have to say that Saint Hill is a very spectacular location.  They are clearly not short of a bob or two.  The jousters with us for the day were Jeremy, Kim, Lucy, Ashley, Dan and Mack.  The weather was atrocious a constant never ending downpour of Scotch mist that soaked you to the skin and sapped your strength.  Just what you needed when you were full of cold and feeling like death warmed up.  I added to my fun and enjoyment by slipping on the steps at one point and jarring my back which pleased me not!  We were only there from 2pm to about 6pm, but the relentless dourness of the weather and the lack of response from some of the guests made the time drag awfully.  After a final prance up and down with the Knights and some Scottish pipers, who Jeremy took great delight in soaking by pushing up the rain sagging awning that was over them with his flag (extremely funny) we were soon on our way home as the big evening bash for the Scientologists began.  Michelle and I complained that we hadn't seen Tom Cruise all day, but mind you in the dreadful weather we had endured the poor little fella might have sunk I suppose.  As we drove out of the grounds as the good and faithful poured in through the gates, we went past a huge gleaming stretch limo with blacked out windows, followed closely by a brand new minibus full of very large muscular men in dinner jackets, wearing dark glasses and with ear pieces.  (INSERT YOUR OWN GAG HERE!!!!!)

We had a few days off over the weekend, but got together to visit some Wedding Fayres to get some ideas for possible business ventures.  Then I was due at Hever Castle on the Monday for a filming session on their new publicity video, however the weather was so gloomy and foggy that they gave up on Monday, and then gave up on Tuesday.  Filming has now been put back to either November (possibly) or next Spring (most likely).

Thursday this week found me back for a return visit to Wickford Junior School in Essex.  This was my seventh year at this lovely school and as ever I was warmly welcomed back, and even offered tea and toast on my arrival - what King could ask for more?  The morning was great fun, with laughs a plenty from the usual sort of thing you get at Wickford - a big group, fantastic costumes and lots of intelligence and plenty of laughs.  The morning seemed to go past so quickly. Soon I was in the staff room munching down a lunch that consisted of breaded cod, saute potatoes and beans (relatively healthy) followed by pancakes in maple syrup (so unhealthy as to be able to hear your arteries hardening as you gulped them down).  The afternoon was a riot of laughs and fun and culminated in a long overdue win for the Gents on the jousting.  This brings our score back to:

GENTLEMEN 4 - 5 LADIES

Back to almost parity again. I have a feeling it will be a lot closer this time.

Half term is here and the King is off for a holiday in Wales with the lovely Shelley, my son James and Shelley's son, Sir Owen of Leeds Castle, so should be fun.  And I have nearly finished coughing over everybody in the entire British Isles.  There is an elderly couple in Tenby who I haven't done yet, but I should be catching up with them next week.  Have a fun half term everyone.  See you soon.

It's The End, But The Moment Has Been Prepared For...

The Knights of Royal England - splendid fellows.  All of them.

And so, the end was near and so we faced, our final curtain...  The last regular weekend of the jousting summer was suddenly upon us before I had even realised it was coming.  The Friday and Saturday was to be back for the final two days at Hever Castle.  Hever has been magnificent this year, even when the mud in the arena was so thick you could have re-coated the M25 with it - the crowds have turned up en masse for our shows.  We were without William of Antioch for the final two shows at Hever, but everyone else was there and, as ever, much fun was had by all.  It was also to be our final two shows with Michelle Coda in tow as she would not be coming to Hedingham for the shows there.  But we were without Vix who was off appearing in her drama society production of "Annie".  Michelle had been to see one of the performances earlier in the week and declared that the production was very "provincial" - damning!  But Vix was enjoying herself so that was alright.

I had promised James a wage packet for his hard work over the summer with the jousting team, and he was mostly pre-occupied with what he wanted to spend it on.  One of his ideas is he wants a fishing rod as he is hell bent on the idea of going fishing.  Those of you who know James will be aware that he has the attention span of a amphetamine addicted gnat and a very low boredom threshold, so perhaps fishing is not the best idea for a new hobby.  But he is still going on about it.  So watch this space, I shall let you know what is finally purchased.  To be honest, it could be anything.

The last two shows at Hever passed in what can only be described as a blur.  But they were well attended like all the other shows there this summer and a great reaction from the crowd.  So with barely time to lean against a side board and gasp for breath we were off, up to Essex for a Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday at Hedingham Castle near Halstead.   I had never worked at Hedingham before, I had visited in the past as a regular punter, but was delighted by what I saw.  The castle is a typical Norman keep atop a steep hill.  It is very reminiscent of Rochester Castle in Kent or the central keep at the Tower of London.  The actual tilting arena was tiny in comparison with Hever and Leeds Castle, but it was a lovely setting.  Whereas the jousters were at the foot of the hill changing in their horse box, James and I, and the Tudor Roses, were in a large marquee that a wedding reception had been held in, behind the main house of the owners of Hedingham Castle.  It was two shows a day at Hedingham with plenty of other distractions for the punters - archery, side stalls, a jester, various food outlets etc.  It was a truly magnificent sight.  James had a go at the archery on the Monday morning and managed to score a bulls eye with only his second arrow.  That's my boy! 

The four shows were great fun, lots of laughs from us and the audience, and with the much smaller arena you got a great reaction from the punters when something exciting happened.  Whenever a lance was smashed on a shield the gasp from the audience was very audible - great stuff.  Sir William of Antioch also showed off shamelessly, particularly on the Monday when he pretended to get the huff and stomped off into the audience, sitting with people, trying to steal lunches and even posing beautifully with a child's tiny clear plastic umbrella.

The only drawback for me over the weekend was being stopped by the Police on my way to Hedingham the first day - it turned out the MOT on my car had expired four weeks ago.  Oops!  It cost me a £60 fine  but will make me more aware of checking the expiry dates on my MOT's in future.

We got filmed by a US TV cable network called Reels (or something!) who shot the show and also interviews with various members of the cast (myself included), so if you're in the States and you know a channel called Reels, or Reel then keep a look out for me!  I also got to meet the owner of Hedingham at the end of the second show and he seemed keen on getting the King back in the future.  That would suit me!

And so it was over for another year.  We posed for the picture above before the second show on the Monday - I intend to print it out in large format and laminate it so James can put it up in his bedroom as a nice memento of a very memorable summer for him.  He can look at it when he gets back from fishing....

The photo was taken by Shelley Hughes - she is beautiful!  Just thought the world needed to know!

Hever? Indeedly Sudeley...

The Knights of Royal England democratically deciding who has to buy the next round of drinks at the Pub.

And so the long fun summer of jousting starts to wind down.  The penultimate weekend started off with me down in Somerset with my son James.  I had been keeping him entertained for a few days by taking him for days out, or to the cinema to see Ice Age 4, or by simply allowing him to thrash me mercilessly at baseball and tennis on the Wii Sports game.

We drove up to Essex on the Wednesday evening and then intended to head down to Kent on the Thursday - which was the plan, but poor old James started suffering with a tooth ache on the Thursday morning, to such an extent that he willingly volunteered to go to the dentist the following morning (first available appointment), so therefore for the Friday show at Hever I was a small loud herald short for the day. And I really did miss having him there - and funnily enough Michelle Coda's daughter Vix was also unavailable that day.  So not a Herald in sight!  The Friday was a good fun show - quite staggeringly hot and airless, but the audience really joined in and enjoyed the show.  James was recovered enough from his dental torture to return to the fray on the Saturday. Well if you thought the Friday had been hot - you ain't seen nothing yet!  This Saturday simply sweltered with temperatures at Hever Castle at about 80 degrees.  It was unbearably hot in the Royal Box doing the commentary, so goodness knows what the poor jousters were going through in the middle. The audience seemed equally dulled by the blistering heat and were quiet, non-responsive and a bit lethargic to be honest.  It was hard work trying to whip up any enthusiasm with them at all.  But in that weather you really couldn't blame them at all.

I was already pre-booked for the Sunday at Sudeley Castle from some time ago, and so the jousting at Hever had to occur without Henry for once, but I did really miss being there with the jousters and Michelle.  Sudeley looked lovely in the early morning light and dappled sunshine.  Luckily the weather in the Cotswolds was about 10 degrees cooler than it had been the previous day at Hever.  So it was another wander round the grounds of Sudeley Castle - groups from the Tudor Roses and Tudor Gowns were also there, as was the Tudor music group Waytes and Measures, but James and I ploughed our own solo furrow for the vast majority of the day, meeting people and posing for photographs.  The weather was very kind on this final day at Sudeley for the summer, but I was slowed down with a stiff painful ankle, which plagued me for most of the afternoon and finally forced me to give up early on the day at about 3.30pm.

On leaving Sudeley, James and I drove out to Wales for a few days at Newcastle Emlyn with my parents, where we are still currently residing and being spoilt rotten.  Mind you, the pub my Dad and I went to in Cenarth last night was                              (censored on legal advice).

James and I head back to the South East late on Wednesday and will be back at Hever Castle for our final joust there on Friday and Saturday, and then off to Castle Hedingham in Essex for the Sunday and Monday for the final summer joust of 2012.  It has been a blast.

The Never Ending Bumps of Doom...

...but very soon Good King Hal was back to his charming, sociable, cuddly self.  My, how we all laughed.

With the Blenheim shows out of the way, it was time to head back to Kent and another joust at Leeds Castle.  This time however it was an evening corporate joust for an American based company who were in situ at Leeds Castle all week.  Michelle Coda came along as well and to begin with she, the rest of the jousting team and me spent the early part of the evening hiding in their tent as it was absolutely tipping down with rain.  It poured and poured, the sound deafening on the roof of the tent as we cowered inside.  Lightning flashed across the sky and thunder rumbled menacingly, and one or two of us were more than a little worried that we were in an open field, sheltering from a big electrical storm inside a large metal framed tent.  Not the cleverest place to be in that situation.  But the clouds and rain passed by and suddenly light evening sunshine appeared.  We were then introduced to Larry from the American group, their head honcho and a man hell bent on riding into the arena on one of the jousters horses, wearing a helmet and clutching a sword.  And all of this while wearing a pair of shoes that can only be described as BLUE!!!  Well, we did our show OK, but thankfully there was a small group of children from a local youth group to add some atmosphere as there was very little feedback from the American guests hidden in their marquee.  To be honest the show was hard work, simply due to the lack of audience reaction, you suddenly realised just how much this show relied upon audience participation.

I was back at Leeds Castle on Wednesday evening, and with the same American group from the Monday evening joust, for a champagne reception and evening banquet.  I had been paid a deposit by them and they were going to pay the rest on the evening.  I got an email from them the night before asking if I could swap from the Wednesday to the Sunday evening, but I couldn't as I was already booked up.  They then said as I was only appearing on the Wednesday they had decided to drop my fee.  I was not a happy bunny, as I think most people would be.  I arrived at the Castle bristling for a fight, and soon got one.  I was speaking to the lady from Hospitality at Leeds and said I wasn't happy about the way I was being treated by the host company.  Her immediate response was "well, if you want to leave you can go..." at which point I was quite tempted to.  I then said to her I needed to speak to the main organising lady from the American group and struggled to remember her name and ventured the option of Lisa.  The Leeds lady immediately bristled and said, rather snottily that the lady was a representative from a very important client, her name was Laura and suggested I get her name right before I spoke to her,  This was the snotty straw that broke the camels back.  I told the Leeds lady that the American lady should get her f***ing figures right when booking artists.  So I threatened to walk out and leave, but was encouraged by slightly less snotty Leeds lady to stay.  So I did the meet and greet, later paraded the guests down to the banquet hall, and then did a little 10 minutes stand up slot that had them rolling in the aisles with laughter.  I guess I won them over.  At the event I even got to meet Missy Franklin, three gold and one bronze medal winning swimmer from the American team at the 2012 London Olympics.  She had one of her gold medals with her, so I had a chance to hold the medal and get a close up of it - huge, and staggeringly heavy.  And Missy herself was lovely, and quite amazingly tall!  She towered over me! So what had begun as an unpleasant evening, in the end was a very memorable one.

Friday saw myself, Michelle Coda, her daughter Vix and my son James back at Hever Castle for another weekend of jousting.  It was good to see Sir Owen of Leeds Castle there for each and every day, alongside his delightful and yummy mummy, Shelley.  The Friday was amazingly hot and sweaty, with barely a breath of wind to be found.  We were also short of men from the jousting team with Ashley, Bill, Dan, Mungo and Andy all missing for a variety of reasons. So for once the Knight Marshall's at both ends of the arena were ladies - Lady Kim ("the Squeeze of du Barry" as I introduced her!) at the red end, and her daughter Lucy ("Bob") manning the blue end.  It was a pretty good show, despite the stifling heat and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.  We ended up back at Michelle's house in Folkestone eating a lovely take away Chinese and drinking cold beer.  Just what was needed.

Saturday, and all the lads were back for the jousting show (And Sir Owen and Lady Shelley!).  The day began with the horse box arriving at the Castle and, after the real horses had been taken out and tethered, Jeremy went back into the box and produced a pantomime horse, consisting of his son Sam and Sam's mate Alex.

As you can see from the picture attached, it was incredibly realistic.  OK, so not to us, but as the pantomime nag clopped down the back of the horse box it completely freaked out the real horses who backed off and tried to break their tethering to hoof it away.  Michelle's daughter Vix got to have a ride on the pantomime horse's back, much to her delight.  It turned out this was one of many costumes Jeremy had recently purchased from an auction, most of them jokey fancy dress efforts, but we would see a lot more of them later that day.

The show on the Saturday was great - a fantastic responsive audience and even a nice cooling breeze for us idiots dressed up in costumes.  Very much appreciated.  James and Vix got much more involved in the show this time around and even had a good old bop around the arena at the end when we played "We Will Rock You" by Queen, and Sam and Bill came back on for their traditional victory dance.  The Tudor Roses were in attendance as well on the Saturday, and so after the show it was decided we should all go along to the Kentish Horse pub just up the road from Hever for some dinner and drinks.  We thought the other jousters might be there, but of all of them only young Mungo had shown up.  Sir Owen was terribly upset as he wanted to see Sir William (or "The Bad Guy" as he calls him), but of the others there was not a sign.  Eventually Sir Owen and Lady Shelley had to leave and make their way home.  Barely five minutes after they had gone Jeremy and Kim's Land Rover swept into the pub car park and 12 (YES, TWELVE) jousters leaped out of the interior all dressed in various silly costumes from Jeremy's purchase.  Ashley and Sam were Gorillas, even if Ash's one bore a striking resemblance to Amy Winehouse from behind, Kim and Lady Porlock were rabbits, Jeremy a big pink elephant, Lucy was a turtle, Sir Stepen of Porlock was a Womble (or a Wookiee Womble as James christened him) and there was also penguins, more rabbits and Stephanie was a cross between a Tiger and a Wolf, whatever the hell that is.  It was hysterical fun as you can see from the pictures, but I was quite glad young Sir Owen had gone as he gets so excited when he meets the jousters normally, that to see them in their costumes, arsing about in the pub garden I think he might have completely freaked out.  James was in heaven though and laughed like a drain throughout.

 Sir Stephen of Porlock remembering he's a Wookiee Womble (please note departing rear end of Tiger/Wolf hybrid).

 Sir William of Antioch not completely thrilled at the stifling heat.  Not a happy bunny.

Lady Kim and Sir Jasper as a rabbit and an elephant.  No honestly...

And so we came to Sunday, our final day.  The heat was still on, and sadly the cooling breeze had more or less vanished as well.  But it was another good show, with a very vocal Sir Owen in attendance as ever and a very thrilled audience who took part with great gusto.  After the show another drink at the Kentish Horse seemed like the best idea to get over the rigours of the day.  But it was only one, for then James and I had to climb in the car and begin our long journey back to Somerset.  We got back after about two and a bit hours, then watched a load of the Olympic closing ceremony.  James then went to bed but unfortunately was up about an hour later throwing up everywhere.  So my lovely weekend concluded with me on all fours mopping up five big puddles of vomit.  Not how I expected it to end, to be honest.

And the title of this blog?  Vix's description of the speed bumps as you drive into Hever Castle!  They were the "Never Ending Bumps of Doom"!  Brilliant.

Christchurch Mansion Day 2

The Beverley Sisters after a direct hit from the Luftwaffe.

And so, on the very day that the London Olympics officially opened, where was Good King Hal going?  Yes!  Back to Ipswich in Suffolk for the second of his two days at Christchurch Mansion.  Yesterday had been fun, but unbearably hot, with blazing sunshine all day, so I personally was a little relieved to wake up and find the morning overcast and cool. The drive up to Ipswich was easier this morning, and despite the odd spot of rain here and there, mostly fine.

The early part of the day found me wandering the halls and rooms of the Museum, chatting to people, posing for photographs and upsetting tiny children - the usual really.  After a brief break for a cup of tea I was due on at 1.30pm for my first show of the day.  I had worried a little that there didn't seem to be as many people around as yesterday, but I needn't have worried.  The first show was, if anything, busier than the previous day.  It was a fun show with a lovely audience, though there was an elderly couple to the back of the room who sat stony faced throughout with expressions that intimated that both of them had recently inserted large cacti into their underwear.  He was tall, pale, elderly and wearing tiny shorts that revealed two thin, knobbly kneed legs that tapered down to Argyle socks and sensible shoes, whereas she simply looked as if she had just been evicted from the Conservative Party Conference.  I left the room to applause and headed for the cafe for a bite to eat - only to find the sour faced couple on the table right next to me.  They had looked like nit-pickers, and I was right, they were.  As I sat down, her opening gambit was:

"Very good show, though some of your dates were inaccurate..."  My usual response to this is to try to shove a blancmange down the protagonists underpants, but I contained myself as they were elderly (and I didn't have a blancmange to hand) and kept it to a:

"Well, it depends on which book you read...."  At which point the thin elderly chap, in a quavering Brian Sewell-like voice, complete with tilted up head and half closed fluttering eye lids said:

"But you said the executioner for Anne Boleyn came from France - he didn't, he was Flemish..."  My usual response to this type of petty "I am cleverer and better read than wot you is (sic)" snottiness is to fell the protagonist with a vicious right hook and then throw them into a convenient water feature.  But they were elderly, and I was trying to eat a Tuna sandwich at the time.

The second show today wasn't quite as full as the first show, but what an audience!  They were magnificent, laughing and joining in enthusiastically.  When asking the audience if the marriage between Henry VIII and Katherine Howard is going to last, I usually get them all shouting "NO!" back at me.  One little boy in this show, louder than everyone else shouted "PROBABLY NOT!" which garnered him a big laugh from me and a round of applause from the audience.  In the end I nearly managed to kill myself by swallowing a tiny amount of spit down my windpipe just after playing the kornholt musical instrument.  As I gasped and coughed on stage trying to catch my breath, the audience continued laughing as they thought it was part of the show.  It isn't and I am very glad I don't have to do it every day.

The day finished with me posing for many photographs with two pneumatic east European ladies and their children, which was fine by me. And I got to meet my friend David Randall and his wife, who I have got to know via Facebook - so hello David!  I drove back down to Essex, collected my lovely son James and we headed then down into Kent to stay overnight at my sister Cathy's place ready for our return to Hever Castle for the weekend's jousting.  It is going to be a fantastic weekend I can tell.  Very excited!



Good King Hal & Son

Good King Hal produces his new improved "Mini-Me" to an astonished World.  Last time he threatened to produce is "Mini-Me" in public he was arrested and charged with intended gross indecency.

And so it was time to head back to Hever Castle first of all, for a joust on the Saturday.  However, this time there were a couple of differences - one, it wasn't raining and the sun was shining (hoorah!) and two, I had my son James with me, dressed as a sort of cross between a Herald and a cheap version of Prince Edward.  I had picked up a costume for James to use from "Dress the Part" - a fancy dress outlet that used to be in the Shereday's Centre in Billericay High Street when I was working there back in the 1980's, but has since moved to much bigger premises at Barleyland's Farm just outside Billericay.  We drove down to Hever from Essex on the Saturday morning and met up with Jeremy Richardson, head honcho of the Knights of Royal England as the jousting arena we normally use at Hever still hadn't recovered from the soaking and pounding it took last week, and a new, temporary arena had been set up the far side of the public car park, next to the lake.

Well, we paraded out for the show, and me feeling proud as punch as I had my son James with me in the show for the first time.  There was another notable difference - no Michelle Coda today.  She and her family were attending a big family event and so her place was taken by the admirable Emma Fuery from The Tudor Roses.  She looked after James wonderfully while I was in the middle of the arena doing my patter with the audience.  As we sat in the Royal Box doing the commentary, James knelt on the floor in front of me, but I had to keep shushing him as he was laughing at the antics of the Knights too much and occasionally forgetting he was very close to an open mic!  It was also nice to see Sir Stephen of Porlock back with the Knights again.  It was a lovely day, topped off in marvellous style by seeing Sir Owen of Leeds Castle again, along with his lovely Mummy, Shelley.

James and I immediately left the castle and then headed down to Somerset.  We had a fun night playing on the Wii console, but it was time for an early night as we had to be up bright and early for a trip to Sudeley Castle and the latest Tudor Fun day.  It was lovely to see Sudeley in the sunshine, we had waited so long to see it that way.  There were two Tudor Roses today - Lady Erica and Lady Rachel, plus the lovely Zarrina and Diane from Tudor Gowns.  James and I were spoilt for lovely ladies to look at!  It was devilishly hot today and the old castle was packed with punters which was lovely to see.  It was good to see the lovely Tudor ladies frolicking in the playground, and Rachel and Erica both had fun on the big slide in their Tudor frocks, and then Erica topped that by going on the zip wire in her full Queen's outfit.  Not a site you see every day!  We wandered and posed for photos for most of the day, but James' two  days in the limelight started catching up with him, and by about 3.30pm he was well and truly done in.  We slipped away from the throng, he got changed, I got changed and then we were on our way.  He slept in the car for a while, but amazingly, one take away curry and some Sponge Bob episodes on the TV and he was virtually bouncing off the walls again. 

A few days at leisure and then I am on at Christchurch Mansion in Ipswich next Thursday and Friday, before heading back to Hever Castle on the Saturday and Sunday, and then Leeds Castle on the Monday.  Come and say hello if you get a chance.  And now........... sleep....!

Muddy Norah!

The near legendary Sir Owen of Leeds Castle and the Broomfield Gate, trying to stay dry with his lovely Mum and a not so lovely Good King Hal.  At Hever this weekend.

You can tell when it is the English summertime.  The heavens open, the rain falls, mostly downwards, though sometimes at high speed sideways, and everyone moans about how miserable they are.  All together now - OH HAPPY DAY!  Well we knew there was going to be far too much rain around as we had a hosepipe ban on.  With various Biblical style floods smiting the country it seemed like a jolly splendid idea to hold a jousting tournament at Hever Castle.

I drove up to my sister Cathy's house near Sittingbourne on the Friday, and with rain hammering on the roof all night prepared myself to head back to Hever Castle for the first time this year.  I drove round to where the jousters had parked their submarine... I mean horse box and was greeted by the lovely Kim, Sir Jasper du Barry's wife.  She looked at my rather pathetic trainers I was wearing and asked me if I had any decent Wellington Boots.  By the time I had walked out to the arena to see Sir Jasper (Jeremy) I could see what she was talking about.  With each squelching step I sank a little further into the waterlogged swamp that was once a jousting tilt yard.  How on Earth they were going to do a show in these conditions was at this moment quite beyond me.  I drove back round to the Astor Wing of Hever Castle where my luxury dressing room (for luxury dressing room please read "disused abandoned kitchen") is situated.  I got changed and was then joined by Michelle Coda and her daughter Vix who were to be my Anne Boleyn and junior herald respectively.  As we sat in the castle waiting to be called the rain simply hammered on the roof, churning up the waters of the moat and frightening away any tourists we could startle with our traditional window game.  But cometh the hour and cometh the Sir William of Antioch, ready to bring us out to meet our beloved public!  We did the usual jokey set up with me addressing the crowds, then we had a special honour as I got to Knight Sam, Jeremy's son, in his new character and costume as Sir Sam of Hever.

We wandered over to the arena and did the show.  It was very very muddy in the arena, a couple of times as we walked in I worried I was going to lose a shoe.  But they have built a new Royal Box for us at Hever and Michelle and I squeezed in there with Kim operating the sound system.  Just to our right was seated Sir Owen of Leeds Castle who you can see above, with his lovely Mummy Shelley, getting very excited and laughing his head off at the antics of Sir William of Antioch and Mungo.

We finished the show and headed back to the Castle only to be accosted by a mad woman with a coach load of Italian teenagers who had only just arrived.  She demanded we put the jousting back on as they had arrived and missed it.  I left her with Jeremy to explain that we had finished the show, the horses were exhausted because of the soggy terrain etc., only to hear her utter the amazing words of "well, that's not good enough".  What can you do with obstinacy and stupidity of that level?

The following day it was much warmer, dryer and generally nice, however it wasn't enough to dry out the jousting yard and, if anything conditions actually seemed worse than the day before.  Some of the horses really just didn't want to take part at all and all of the Knights while fighting on foot kept falling over and sliding all over the place.  But we had a much bigger turn out than on the Saturday, which was fantastic, and the show seemed to go really well, even if I did occasionally keep referring to Sam in his old character name of Sam of Castille and not Sam of Hever.  Naughty Henry.  Sir Owen of Leeds Castle was there again in another fantastic costume and seemed to enjoy himself just as much as the previous visit.

Michelle and I got back to the Castle, got changed and I then began the long slog back to Somerset, but it was a fairly easy run back and by about 7pm I was in Crewkerne and opening a bottle of wine.  Schplendid...

Just a quick question - I have noticed on my Facebook page that far more people read my one or two line postings than these blogs.  Can anyone who reads this via the Facebook page please leave a message after they've read it saying "Done it".  That might get people asking what they're talking about and there is no such thing as bad publicity.  I think.  So let me know if you've actually read this!  Ta.  Back to Hever on Saturday, then I am off down to Sudeley Castle on Sunday.

Leeds Castle and West Leigh

Good King Hal's front room. Notice hot and cold running stocks and huge fold back speaker. Nice!

So after all the fun and games of jousting at Hever Castle this summer, it was time for one final tournament - this time back at dear old Leeds Castle. It was all to kick off on the Friday evening with a "Sunset Joust" - this was like a normal joust only done in a sort of hazy twilight. Probably quite romantic with the Castle in the background, but you did feel that most of the Knights would have been within their rights if they'd claimed for bad light and walked off. I was on the microphone for this whole weekend which was great fun and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed myself - I hope the public did too, they didn't seem to run off in any great numbers which was a help. We'd only just started the show when one of Leeds Castle's hot air balloons suddenly came looming over the castle before coming to Earth with an undignified thump in the field just one up from our arena. We finished the show as the light was finally completely fading, and were then replaced in the entertainment stakes by the showing of "A Knight's Tale" on a giant screen next to our arena. I had an appointment with a bottle of Shiraz at my sister's house, so I made my farewells and left.

The final Saturday and Sunday were back to the usual set up for jousting at Leeds. Two shows each day, one at 12.30pm and one at 2.30pm - except on the Saturday the second show was put back to 3.30pm to accommodate a visit from some kids from Kent Youth, or some such organisation. Such was the ill behaviour of some of their number, then a visit from Genghis Khan and his Mongol Hordes might have produced less bad language and partial destruction of my costume. I have nothing against youth organisations, but I do feel the rest of us should have been issued with Luger pistols to give us a fighting chance.

I had my own little tent down on the site for, initially getting changed in, then also with my old throne from the "Henry's Horrid History" shows back in February (see this blog from February for details!) on a raised dais with the idea that I would have people coming to be photographed with The King. It was a nice little bolt hole as well at lunchtime. However on the Saturday night, long after I had gone, while the Kent Youth yobs....I mean kids... were still on site the heavens had apparently opened and some of the little darlings had taken refuge in my tent. This I discovered on the Sunday morning when I found my costume bag completely rifled, some of my clothes on the grass soaked in dew (I hope) and my hat crumpled up into a ball and had apparently been kicked around as well. Bless 'em. All four shows on the Saturday and Sunday went really well. My old friend Clara turned up with her kids on the Saturday, then on Sunday Greg and Diane Nash, who I have been friends with since I lived in London back in the 80's turned up with their sons Barnaby and Joseph - both of whom were primary school kids when I last met them, but who are both now at University. Where does all the time go..? Also Michelle Coda, her partner Matt and daughter Victoria, fresh from being Anne Boleyn at Hever Castle came along to see all the jousters with a view to Michelle doing some of the sound system work next summer at Hever. Much fun was had with all. I was also accompanied by The Tudor Roses, two fine ladies who turned up in brilliant Tudor apparel and were my Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour for both days. There are apparently three of them in total, but I only got to meet two of them as one was away in Cyprus! The two I met were Emma and Katherine (I think - HUGE apologies if I have either name wrong!). They looked fantastic - please check out their Facebook page.

It was a fitting end to the summer season, the final show being very much a "end of term" event with lots of in-jokes and larking about, but the audience seemed to really enjoy it as well. Sir Stephen of Porlock was over joyed to see Michelle back in the audience and promptly let her have another of his stunning ditties, even if it was a bit rude (he obviously struggled to find something to rhyme with "ditties"). He also spent a large part of the final tournament wearing a big frizzy yellow wig which caused him to bear a startling resemblance to Yazz from "The Plastic Population" circa 1989.

Monday was spent up in Basildon seeing as much of my lovely James as possible. Tuesday (that's today to you and me) and it was my first visit to a school for this term and I was back at West Leigh Junior School near Southend in Essex - a school I last visited back in about 2008. It was great to be back and I was very warmly welcomed by the charming staff. It was a very large group, about 128 of them in total, of Year 3 children, but they were brilliant. Great fun, very fizzy and full of laughter - we had a superb day. With such a big group the afternoon was a rip roaring affair and culminated in a deafening jousting tournament which, predictably (if you go by previous years scores) was won by the ladies. So after the first show of the year, our opening score is:

GENTLEMEN 0 - 1 LADIES

Who knows where it will go this year. I am next back at Shillingstone School in Dorset on this Friday (16th) and then that evening and the following Saturday I am appearing at the Bridport Hat Festival. Come down and see some big hats, Hank Wangford and yours truly strutting my stuff.

For Hever and Hever...

Anne Boleyn beckoning the photographer over. A pagga then ensued. Ruddy paparazzi.

And all of a sudden, it was the last weekend of Hever jousting! I couldn't believe it had come round so quickly. The weather had been looking vaguely threatening all week - could our luck of just one really wet weekend hold out? It didn't start well - a journey up to Essex to see my beautiful son was certainly damp, and our shopping trip to Toys R Us was similarly moist. However, James came away with a "Pirates of the Caribbean" Lego set AND a box set of "Pirates of the Caribbean" DVD's (can you see a pattern here folks?). James is now convinced that he is in fact Captain Jack Sparrow, and can even do the Johnny Depp walk/run perfectly. He is also madly in love with the idea of dressing up as Prince Edward to my Henry VIII - should be fun.

Friday at Hever was damp to begin with, but luckily the rain held off for the entirety of the show, which was a real blessing. After the success of handing a glove to Sir Stephen of Porlock as a "favour", Michelle Coda came up with the idea of more gifts for the Knights from Anne Boleyn. This time she had been on a shopping trip to a local charity shop where she had purchased a simply enormous pair of flowery knickers. These were simply industrial in size and probably best described as apple catchers. Somehow Michelle managed to roll/fold these down to a size that she could secrete them between her boobs in her Tudor dress and produce them (the knickers that is) at will when the time required her to dish out the Queen's favour. Once more it was decided that the prize should go to the Knight that won the "Challenge of the Rings" in the arena. This time Sir Jasper de Barry (Jeremy) was the winner and approached the Royal Box with some trepidation. Michelle handed him the rolled up knickers and he said "ooh, socks!" However, just after he climbed back into the saddle of his horse he unfolded them. A huge cheer went up from the crowd as he displayed the passion killers above his head! How on Earth could Michelle top that???

On the Saturday we were back at the Castle and Michelle was there with her daughter Victoria (delighted that Mungo was back in the show after a day off) and her partner Matt. This time Michelle had purchased some large jelly snakes from a sweet shop. She rolled one of these into a ball and once more it was stuffed between her boobs. Again the weather held off for us, despite early heavy rain showers. The show was a good one today - fast and funny, with a brilliantly responsive crowd. The tournament of the rings went down to a ride off between Sir Jasper de Barry and Sir Stephen of Porlock. We were delighted when Sir Stephen won and once more he approached the Royal Box - Michelle managed to make the removal of the snake something of an artwork in itself and there was much laughter from the crowd as Sir Stephen claimed his prize.

It has been a fantastic summer at Hever Castle and I have enjoyed every single minute. So a big thank you to all the ladies who have been Anne Boleyn this summer - particularly Michelle Coda, but also Lisa Hudson, Tamsin Lewis, Zarrina Bull, Diane Collings and Sarah the steward from Hever! I couldn't have done it without any of you. A final celebratory curry was had at my sister's house on Saturday night and I was off back to Somerset on the Sunday morning. I am next working with the Knights at Leeds Castle on the 9th, 10th and 11th September for a tournament. Come along if you can!

All that AND Tottenham Hotspur 1 - 5 Manchester City. Wow.

Hevery Little Thing She Does Is Magic...

Good King Hal and Anne Boleyn being stalked through the grounds of Hever Castle by an Italian Fashion Victim of uncertain vintage. Jimmy Saville also appears to have eaten all the pies in the background.

Can a man get tired of Hever Castle? I hope not as I seem to be spending every waking hour at the place just lately. And it has been terrific fun. It was back for another Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the Castle this last weekend, again accompanied by the wonderful Michelle Coda and her cute daughter Victoria. I had spent the Thursday with my beloved son James in Essex where I took him to the cinema to see "Mr Popper's Penguins" as he was absolutely "busting to see it" - his words, not mine. Well, that was nearly two hours of my life I won't get back. But James enjoyed it immensely and we did have a very nice meal at Frankie and Bennie's before we went into the cinema.

On the Friday we had a large crowd for the jousting show, which was good fun, and it was nice to have William of Antioch back with us again, though his participation in forthcoming shows maybe somewhat limited by the fact that he is about to become a Dad at any second. Michelle and I mucked about shamelessly before the show. We were in our little Tudor drawing room, waiting to be summoned to meet the masses, when Michelle lent out of the window to wave at some camera wielding tourists. As they turned away after taking our photos, and with Michelle still bending over leaning out of the window in front of me, I pretended to be a very naughty King and did something that would only be allowed on television after the watershed, but happened a lot in the "Tudors" TV series. Cue much guffawing and f'narring from Michelle and myself. Well we repeated the gag every single day this weekend and so far have not been photographed by a startled tourist yet - we hope. Well, what did they expect Henry and Anne get up to in their spare time? Play shove ha'penny?

At my sister's place on the Friday night she had a dinner party with her friends Darren and Karen as guests, as well as me and herself, and husband Julian. We had a lovely evening, loads of laughs and probably too much wine was had, but it was splendid none the less.

The Saturday crowd at the Castle was large but strangely quiet and reserved, but Sunday's crowd more than made up for it. Sunday was a really good show, I hope everyone there enjoyed it as much as we did. Michelle offered the Queen's favour (a white glove with "AB 4 S of P" on it!) to Sir Stephen of Porlock, who was most moved! I drove back on the Sunday afternoon, delighting in listening to Manchester City taking Bolton Wanderers to the cleaners. I was up bright and early on Monday morning for an appointment at Yeovil Hospital for a scan on my troublesome gall bladder. Thankfully I got the all-clear with no stones, but I shall continue to eat my new super healthy diet as I am really enjoying it and feel remarkably healthy. I have also lost about a stone and a half since I began doing it five weeks ago. I might have to invest in some pillows for stuffing up my Henry costume if this continues. Hever again this weekend, just on the Friday and Saturday. Should be fun, but be careful when looking in the windows of the castle... ;-)

I leave you with a lovely picture of Michelle's daughter Victoria with Sir William of Antioch on the right, and on the left - James, aka Mungo, one of the Knight Marshalls of the Tilt and Victoria's first BIG crush! It truly is love. Bless!

Smarter Than the Hever-age Bear...

Good King Hal and Anne Boleyn launch into an eye watering rendition of "Riverdance" during their "live" appearance at Hever Castle.

Another weekend, and another trip down to Hever Castle. The Friday (12th August) was proving a bit dodgy as I was suddenly short of one Anne Boleyn. I tried many friends and finally had to admit defeat. I called Hever Castle with the news on the Thursday, but they were wonderful and said they'd ask some of their staff to see if someone was available - and they came back with good news! A lovely lady called Jane, who happened to be one of their senior stewards, volunteered and arrived just before the show was due to start in her own costume, and she looked brilliant. We had a fine day with not too much heat and a relatively good turn out for the show. We were short of William of Antioch, which is always detrimental to the shows in my humble opinion, but he was due back on the Saturday and Sunday.

For the Saturday and Sunday I was to be ably supported by my dear old friend Lisa Hudson who was going to be Anne Boleyn. I was so pleased she agreed to come along and do this for me as I knew she'd look fabulous in the costume - as you can see from our "Riverdance" picture above - she did! We had a little trouble getting Lisa sorted in her costume as she is relatively short, but is also very large in the chesticles department. We therefore had a fair old battle lacing her into her corset top, but she looked beautiful when finished! Lisa was an absolute star on both days and we had a real laugh doing both the shows. The kids we posed for photos with really warmed to her and she even got one little girl wanting to keep hugging her! Lisa's husband Adam (an old cricket team companion of mine from The Hoop Cricket Club) came along on the Sunday along with their lovely kids Luke and Joe.

We managed to get another "real" injury on Saturday, to compliment Sir Stephen of Porlock's dislocated shoulder at the previous show! This time, doing one of his spectacular falls, Sir Ashley of Hampshire managed to cut his head badly on the inside of his jousting helmet. Blood everywhere and five stitches were needed - he completed the show with a large white bandage on his head which prompted the commentator to refer to him as "Ahmed of Hampshire" first of all, and then later on as "Sir Ashley bin Laden". He was back to his usual "ruggedly handsome" self on the Sunday.

Changing the subject, as some of you may or may not know, my personal life is somewhat fraught at the moment. However, I have been overwhelmed with messages of love and support from so many friends over the previous couple of days that I am truly very touched and moved. It is at times like this that you do discover your true friends, and I am lucky enough to say I have many. You all know who you are, so thank you one and all. (Moves right and brushes something away from his eye, which is not a tear... honest. I am a roughtie-toughtie King FFS).

Anyway, Manchester City thumped Swansea 4-0 tonight, so that is enough to put a smile on my face for a little while. And now to listen to "Your Dictionary" by XTC - a lot.

Where Hever I Lay My Hat...

Good King Hal and Lady Rochford launch into an impromptu version of "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba before putting on a show in the barn with Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney. The wall plug behind them is a genuine Tudor power supply. Honest.

So it was back up to Essex to begin with - how well I am learning this route. But it was worth it, for more time with my lovely son, James. He is my everything these days. I had fun taking him to the bright lights of Festival Leisure Park in Basildon (known locally as Bas Vegas) and we played on the air hockey games as usual, but for a rare change I won - even though I tried to lose. James was very good at scoring own goals. We then had a bite to eat at a Chinese restaurant for lunch and then took him to see the movie "Cars 2". He seemed to enjoy it, but ended up making about 4 trips to the loo after drinking one of the industrial sized cartons of 7-Up that the cinema chain laughingly refer to as "Regular".

Back at Hever I was on for three days, the Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My two lovely Queens from Leeds Castle joust (Zarrina and Diane) were coming along, but due to my general fuzzy headedness and idiocy I had told them the event was on on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, rather than the true days. Therefore I was a Queen short for the Friday. I asked my friend Kiri Bloom whom I worked with at Rochester Castle last year if she could make it, but she was busy, but she suggested a friend of hers called Tamsin Lewis. I spoke to Tamsin on the phone and she was available on the Friday and happy to come down. Gawd bless yer, ma'am! I offered to pick her up from Edenbridge railway station for the show at Hever. She texted me and said she'd be there at about 11.30am. I drove up to Edenbridge and followed the signs to the station. I parked up at about 11.35am and of Tamsin there was not a sight. I tried to phone her mobile. No reply. I texted her and asked her where she was waiting at the station as it wasn't very big and I couldn't see her. She replied and told me she was standing outside the ticket hall. She wasn't. I asked her what the name of the station was where she was standing. It was Edenbridge. I was at Edenbridge Town. Bugger. I asked a local idiot in a local sandwich bar where Edenbridge station was and he gave me directions. It was only about a mile away. Why does a town as tiny as Edenbridge need two stations FFS? Anyway, I found the correct station and I found Tamsin. Bless her. Well we had a great day, lovely turn out, not too hot and I think Tamsin enjoyed herself. I dropped her back at the correct station after the show and headed to my sister's for the evening.

Saturday and Sunday was with Zarrina and Diane from Chippenham. They were great - fantastic costumes as ever, Zarrina in a brand new blue creation as you can see from the picture above. There was a nice breath of wind on the Saturday which made the hot weather a lot more bearable. Sunday was much more muggy. The Saturday night was spent at my friends John and Viv's in Crawley where Viv cooked a fantastic meal of tandoori Monk fish steaks with raita, salsa and guacamole dips and hot flat breads. Mmmmm! We then drank almost our entire body weights in rioja and decided this was the perfect warm up for sitting and watching "A Knight's Tale" on DVD. I think I managed to remain conscious for the first 20 minutes, but missed the rest. Viv only managed 10 minutes. John watched the whole thing and then put on another movie. What a guy! The Sunday at Hever (hang over conquered at first) was good, but marred by two unfortunate incidents. First Sir Stephen of Porlock (the wonderfully nutty Steve Beart from Porlock in Somerset) had finished a ball and chain fight and several jousts, when he wandered back to his squires and as a joke decided to pull his tabard over his head, a la a premiership footballer after scoring a goal. He succeeded merely in dislocating his shoulder and had to be treated by medics at the side of the arena. He looked in agony as he left. Poor man. On the walk back to the castle after the show we were photographed by lots of lovely people - plus one total bastard of a family who's feral kids ran riot, asked rude questions, kept trying to steal our hats, invade other people's photographs and generally behave much as flies do round a horse's bum. And the eldest of the kids was probably only about 12 at most. And of the parents? Well they seemed to think it was hilarious. Scratters. It was a delight to get back to the calm cool order of the Castle afterwards. I drove back to Somerset that evening and was delighted to be home, if alone. As ever. I then had to starve myself for 15 hours after 6pm on the Sunday as on the Monday morning I had a blood test at my Doctor's for my ongoing gall bladder fun and games. Professionally life is great at the moment, but everything else seems to be falling apart, including me. I literally have no idea what life is going to throw at me next, but knowing my recent luck, it won't be good!

A weekend off from Hever this weekend so I am traipsing halfway across England again to see the lovely James, and then I will take him away for a holiday down in Somerset and maybe down to Wales to see his Nana and Bapa. He and I will enjoy that. On Wednesday this week I will be at Honiton Museum in Devon for a couple of talks. Come along! Poke my gall bladder! Enjoy yourselves.

The Hever Ending Story...

Good King Hal suffering a severe attack of the gall bladders during a particularly violent jousting tournament earlier this year.

I had a few days back in Somerset trying to dry out after the downpour at Hever the previous weekend. Someone had said we were going to get an Indian summer, I had no idea it would be a bloody monsoon. I had also noticed that I was in pain. Shortly after my show at the Somerton Festival earlier in July, I was aware of a certain uncomfortable pain in my side - sort of in the liver area. I was hoping, as most men do, that it would just go away and there would be no need to go and see something as terrifying as a Doctor. On the Monday after the previous Hever weekend I woke up at about 6am thinking that I had just been stabbed in the side. I had a sharp jabbing pain in my side running right the way round almost to my back. Classic signs of a gall bladder either packed full of stones, or just grumbling. Time to do something I should have done months ago - EAT HEALTHILY! It was time to go on to a fat free diet. Goodbye butter, cheese and anything else that might contain saturated fats, and welcome to dry bread, skimmed milk and water. Well, it's not as bad as that and I am actually quite enjoying the healthy eating option. Who knows, next time you see Henry VIII he might bear a striking resemblance to Twiggy, or Lily Cole.

Two days after the gall bladder shenanigans I was back at BBC Somerset for another appearance on Emma Britton's show. It was another good programme - our discussion topic was "Is suicide a selfish act?" - which seemed to get little reaction from the callers of Somerset. Our secondary topic was about should you have to pay to use your local civic amenity site (formerly known as a "DUMP"). The phones simply rang off the hook with outraged callers. Hey-ho. It was nice to see the lovely Emma again - such a good presenter. From the BBC Studio I drove up to Essex to spend a couple of days with Amanda and James in lush tropical Basildon. It was great to see my lovely son and he got such a glowing school report for his end of term - so, so proud of my little man. He has really pulled himself up by the bootlaces this year and shown everyone what he is capable of - we always knew he was a smart little cookie. Now the school can show the evidence as well. Nice one, Monkey!

Saturday it was time to drive back down to Hever Castle for another show with the Knights of Royal England. This time for a change I was to be Master of Ceremonies for the shows on both days. This was a daunting thought and was even more worrying when I sat and read the script that Jeremy had sent me from the jousting team. However, I have seen the show on so many occasions when compered by the brilliant Roland Bearne, so I simply went along with his style and chucked in a few jokes of my own. I was accompanied again by the delightful Michelle Coda as my Anne Boleyn. Both the Saturday and Sunday were a triumph for me - great shows, good turn outs and warm on Saturday and boiling on the Sunday. It was also nice to see my dear old friends Viv and John Rich at Hever on the Sunday! I drove back to Somerset on the Sunday evening a very tired, but happy King. I didn't even worry about the Doctor's appointment I had this morning about my gall bladder. But even that went OK - I am back next week for some blood tests. Probably to ascertain that I am actually a homo sapien and not some neanderthal left over, but I shall keep you posted. Hever again next weekend - Friday, Saturday and Sunday this time. Come and say hello!

Oh, by the way, the smashing picture above, taken at the jousting at Leeds Castle earlier this year is now on Flickr and is by Blindluckphotos who are brilliant! Check out their piccies!

Happy Hever After!

(left) Good King Hal and Anne Boleyn, having a searingly tender moment at Hever Castle whilst standing next to Wee Jimmie Kranky. In a tabard.

This has been a very hectic couple of weeks. We begin last Saturday when I did a "Walky Talky" visit to Barrington Court. It was a lovely day - bright and sunny, and not too hot. I spent an hour or so wandering round the delightful gardens of this lovely house, and then did another performance of my one man show "Henry's Horrid History" just as I had done at the Somerton Festival the previous evening. It was another great show - lots of laughs from a packed audience and a long ringing round of applause at the end. Lovely! From Barrington I headed straight up the M5, then over the Severn Bridge and into wild Welsh Wales and to my parent's house in Newcastle Emlyn. It was a big family get-together of both my sisters and their "other half's" (namely Ian and Julian) for my eldest sister, Susan's birthday on July 13th.

It was so nice being together as a family again and we spent the week having laughs, and probably eating and drinking a bit too much. We had a fabulous meal on the Tuesday at the Daffodil Inn at Penriwllan where my old friend Carole Davey (now Carole Evans!) from Skandia now works - though not for much longer as she is leaving as of this weekend (Stay in touch, Carole!). Before too long it was the last night, and we had a final blow out meal cooked by my sister, Cathy - fish pie for the majority of people there, but for me (who doesn't really like fish) a quite stunning home made burrito. Delicious!

On the Thursday I drove back to Essex to spend a couple of days with my precious lovely son, James. It was lovely to see him and he is growing so fast. On the Friday I was back to being Henry again at a new school for me. Arthur Bugler Junior School has a wonderful name and is based in Stanford-le-Hope near Basildon. It is a delightful school with some brilliant kids there, great fun and lots of laughs. The teachers were a delight as well and made me most welcome. The morning session was a cracker - it just seemed to whizz past at a staggering rate of knots. After lunch it was back in the hall and the noise just got louder and louder, until we reached an absolute crescendo with a brilliant jousting tournament. This culminated in a win for the Gentlemen in a very closely fought finale. This makes, what I think will be the final score for this year as:

GENTLEMEN 26 - 31 LADIES

Well done, Ladies. A very commendable win for the second year running.

Saturday morning I was down to Hever Castle near Edenbridge in Kent for a jousting tournament with Jeremy Richardson's Knights of Royal England team that I had worked with before at Leeds Castle. I had had one bit of trouble at the beginning as the original lady who was to work with me at Hever as Anne Boleyn sadly couldn't make it, so I ended up phoning round loads of friends trying to see if anyone was free at very short notice to don a Tudor dress and be my wife for the weekend! Unsurprisingly there were very few takers! However, I phoned my dear old friend Michelle Coda to see if she knew anyone, but she didn't, but eventually after some cajoling from me she agreed to come down to Hever and be Anne for me! And she looked brilliant as you can see from the picture above. It was good to see the Jousters again and everyone at Hever made us very welcome. On the first day there was no Roland as master of ceremonies, but Jeremy had brought along a new man for his first appearance. He did very well for a first show, but struggled to remember all the characters names, bless him. The weather was a bit rotten when we first arrived, but cheered up a little in the afternoon. We only had a small crowd for the show with people obviously put off by the bad weather. However, if we thought that the weather was a bit pants on the Saturday it was nothing compared to Sunday. It was like a monsoon and Michelle and I got absolutely soaked during the afternoon show. Michelle's seriously cute daughter Vicky came along on both days and played our "lady in waiting" dressed in a tabard! It was a great couple of days and I am delighted to say Michelle and I will be back at Hever Castle again next weekend for two days more of jousting. I have promised Michelle the weather will be better, and she has my full permission to beat me senseless with a stale French baguette if it isn't. I'd better keep an eye on the long range weather forecast, and ensure all French baguettes near Hever Castle are fresh.

Leeds Castle Royal Jousting Tournament 2011

Sir Jasper du Barry, Lord High Badger Pursuivant to his Majesty, reveals his dirty big pokey thing to an astonished audience at Leeds Castle.

It was to be a busy week once more as the Jousting roadshow rolled into Leeds Castle again. It hardly seemed like a year since the previous one, and of course thinking back now it wasn't! I had been there for the September joust when I had spent the week dressed up as Friar Tuck - the deep fat friar. But here I was back as Henry VIII, on familiar turf.

I had driven up on Saturday 28th May to visit Amanda and James in Essex first, then there would be six days in Kent performing at the show and finally a day off and then a trip up to London with my sister Cathy to see David Tennant and Catherine Tate in "Much Ado About Nothing" at the Wyndhams Theatre in London. Well, that was the original idea. I managed to scupper that at the first hurdle by driving all the way to Essex before realising I had left the tickets for the show on my desk at home. Arse. Anyway, I had some great fun in Essex being thrashed repeatedly by my son at Mario Kart on the Wii console - he really has got to a point now where I can't beat him!

I drove down to Kent on the 30th May to see Cathy and Julian, and their two very bouncy and excitable dogs, Charlie and Oona. Going to Leeds Castle on the first day was nice - it's such a fabulous place to drive into when you're working there. You have to keep reminding yourself that, yes, this really is the place where you're working! The weather was looking a bit iffy on the first morning with threatening clouds and the possibility of rain ever present. I was not alone today though! Two lovely ladies, Zarrina and Diane, had contacted me via Facebook and my website and announced they would love to come along to one of my shows and be my Queens for the day. They had spent four months making their costumes and were very keen to show them off. I had cleared their appearance with Darlene and Becky in the Events Office at the Castle and they were there waiting for me at reception as I arrived on the first morning. Zarrina had brought along her husband and son as well to join in the fun. We went across to our dressing rooms and got ready - the ladies finally appearing in their stunning gowns - Zarrina as Anne Boleyn and Diane as Jane Seymour. Wonderful! They looked spectacular and as soon as we were down on site at the jousting arena we were mobbed by people with cameras. The plan was for Zarrina to be my queen in the Royal Box for the first show and Diane to take over for the second. Sadly, for the first show, just as we began our procession into the arena, the heavens opened, but luckily it was just a passing shower.

It was good to be working with the jousters again, Jeremy, Roland, Sam, Kim et al. As ever they made me very welcome and kept the laughs and fun flowing all week. The two ladies with me on the first day were obviously a big hit as after they departed, for the rest of the week I was repeatedly asked where they were! Shame they could only make the first day, but there is more work in the offing and I should be seeing them both again very soon.

On the Thursday we were asked to come in early so that Daybreak TV could come along and cover the show. So at 5.30am I arrived at Leeds Castle, the earliest I have ever seen the place aside from occasional early morning visits to the toilet when I was snowed in last December. We were to go "live" on several occasions as we were blessed with the presence of Daybreak's weather girl. During her second broadcast to the nation, the Knights had set up a mock joust to be going on behind her - in the middle of this was to be a fall by one of the Knights (Ashley), something they do in the shows every single day. As he fell, the weather girl screamed in alarm and Ashley did a fine impression of lying twitching on the grass. Apparently the fine intelligent viewers of Daybreak could not tell that this was a stunt fall and swamped the telephone lines at the TV Station asking if the nice Knight was alright. Despite propping him up in front of the cameras to prove he was OK, this was not enough, and so Ashley and, head honcho, Jeremy were summoned to their studio's the following day for a live interview on the sofa. This led to much mockery of Ashley who from there on was often referred to by Roland our master of ceremonies as the "Lorraine Kelly of the Tilt Yard". I did a couple of pieces to camera with the weather girl and then it was over, and still two hours before our shows started. So I hied myself back to my dressing room and had a crafty kip on my bed. The reaction to my appearance seemed quite good, aside from my Father who deemed that Daybreak was a "f*****g awful show for morons", which was harsh, but probably reasonably accurate.

It was hot for the rest of the week and I currently sport a very fetching sunburned nose. Amanda and James came down for a visit on the Saturday, bringing with them Amanda's friend Emma and her daughter Ella who goes to school with James. They enjoyed the show and James and Ella had great fun meeting the Knights and their horses afterwards. As ever, everyone at Leeds Castle was warm, welcoming and helpful. The weather held out until the final day where on Sunday it poured with rain. On the final day Roland, the master of ceremonies for the show, asked me if I would be MC for his forthcoming wedding in October to his lovely fiance Sally. I was very touched to be asked to do this and accepted happily. There is also the possibility of working with Diane and Zarrina again with the jousters at some shows in July at Hever Castle - watch this space for more!

My drive home on the Sunday was awful as the dear old M25 was shut in both directions and so I ended up taking a huge detour across country via Pease Pottage, Horsham and the delights of Guildford before finally finding my way back onto the M3. And all of this because I forgot the fecking tickets for David Tennant and Catherine Tate. So it is back on the road again tomorrow back up to Kent to Cathy and Julian and then a trip to the Theatre. I'd best not forget the tickets again.