South Green, Billericay

Good King Hal looking for his lost roll of lino in the lovely gardens of Barrington Court near Ilminster, in Somerset, which is in England in the United Kingdom and just off the coast of Europe, a minor land mass on the planet Earth which is the third rock from the star known as Sol.

Can it really already be a year since I was last at South Green Junior School in Billericay in Essex?  No, it isn't - its actually just over a year since I was last at South Green Junior School in Billericay in Essex.  Funny old World, innit?  Perhaps I really am getting old, but the years just seem to by flying past these days.

I had spent the Saturday evening with friends at the David Hall Centre in South Petherton in Somerset at a fund raising quiz evening.  Apparently there was some very strict rule about only being a team of four.  We turned up as a group of five which almost caused a complete melt down and over-load for one jobsworth volunteer at the hall.  His solution to the problem?  To dock us 5% of our score at the end to "make it fair".  As one of our team members said "he does know it's just a little quiz night for a charity?"  Anyway, he needn't have worried - it was quite a cryptic sort of quiz and we did struggle a little, however out of a field of nearly 20 teams we came a very respectable 4th.

I was up and out of the door very early on the Sunday morning and drove down to Kent to see my lovely lady Shelley.  We had a lovely day together and later, on the Monday I drove up to Essex to see my son James and get ready for the visit to South Green Junior School in Billericay.  This is a lovely school and one that I have visited over the past 5-6 years.  It was great to be back and I was warmly welcomed, and it was nice to see a very nice lady who had frequently seen my shows from when she used to work at Wickford Junior, a school I am funnily enough visiting in a few weeks time.  It was a group of about 60 children today from the year 6 group and they were mostly very well behaved, fun and ready to enjoy themselves.  The morning was fun and the group showed some really good genuine Tudor knowledge which was nice to see and hear.

Lunch was a surprisingly good lamb rogan josh and some ice cold cooling glasses of water. Super, smashing, lovely.  Again the stocks proved to be a big hit with the group and there was an absolute landslide victory (or should that be defeat?) for the lady teacher, formerly of Wickford Junior, in the vote amongst the children as to which teacher I should stick in the stocks.  The jousting was of a consistently high standard, but the final was a bit of a walkover for a more than competent Gents team.  This now makes our year long score:

GENTLEMEN 2 - 1 LADIES

I can't remember the last time the gentlemen actually had a lead in the competition.  It does make you wonder how long they can hang on to the lead, and can they actually win the year long thing for the first time ever.  All these questions and many more will probably eventually answered in this blog, but don't hold your breaths folks.

The King is off to London on Thursday for a book launch for his friend Sarah, which involves being driven up and down the Thames on a nice boat.  Splendid!  Then he is back to the school routine with a couple of visits to schools in Bristol next week.  It should be fun.

Children in Need & Kathryn Tickell

Good King Hal, in brand spanking new costume and with a bear behind. That's Pudsey, shortly before he needed another lie down.

Now I had a nasty feeling that this long trumpeted appearance by yours truly for the BBC at their annual Children in Need appeal was going to turn into another Rolf on Art. Well, I was nearly right. I had driven down to Kent on the Thursday to see my parents who were spending this week with my sister Cathy and her husband Julian at their house in Stockbury near Sittingbourne. On the Friday, after briefly getting two new tyres on my car, I drove down to Leeds Castle. My first stop was to try on a brand new Father Christmas outfit that I will be wearing for the festivities this year. It looks great and I am sure will be a big hit. Next it was time for a Production Meeting with the BBC people and the Leeds Castle people to let all of us know what the heck to expect for the broadcast in the evening. When this little thing was out of the way I went up to Darlene's office with her and her assistant Becky for a swift cup of tea before the rigours of the evening began.

Things had not got off to the best start when it turned out that I was sharing my dressing room with four other people as one whole dressing room had been bagged by the person playing Pudsey Bear. He had insisted on this as he was sometimes "utterly drained" from his performances and needed somewhere dark and quiet to lie down. I suggested Romney Marsh when the sun goes down. I was in with the Go Ape! and Princess Sparkle people, which if you saw the evening on BBC1 you'll probably have some idea what I am on about. The whole broadcast was going to be staged in the Fairfax Hall, across the moat from the main castle. The castle itself was to be illuminated and would have a giant picture of Pudsey projected onto the main walls. Inside the Fairfax there would be a band playing and a large area for kids and parents to sit and enjoy face painting and nibbles supplied by the castle. I spent the opening hour wandering round talking to the parents and children, but soon it was getting close to the first broadcast. I was frog marched out to the terrace overlooking the castle and was bandied in with groups of fund raisers from local schools, each with large cheques to show off to the camera. It was perishingly cold out on this terrace. They did a technical run through of where the cameras would go, then a rehearsal, and then a full rehearsal. The little lad standing in front of me, though clearly nervous, was word perfect. We then had to hang on and hang on until it was time for us to go "live". The lights came on, the female presenter started shouting at the camera, and they came to the little lad in front of me - and he completely cocked up his lines. Bless. There were a couple of close ups of me in the new costume from Judy, but for the rest of the evening that was about it for me. I was in another couple of shots, but was frequently shoved to the back so various children, teenagers and Pudsey-sodding-Bear could stand in front. After a brilliant fire work display it just seemed right to call it a night. I went back to my dressing room and changed, before briefly tottering round and saying goodnight to all my friends at the Castle. When I got back to my sisters, there were a lot of unhappy faces.

"We watched that stupid bloody programme all night, saw your face twice and your hat once. I'm going to bed." This was my jolly father before he stomped off upstairs to bed. Ah good, he was in a good mood. I treated myself to a couple of glasses of much needed wine to help relax, and then repaired to my own bed and slept very well.

Saturday morning I was off fairly sharpish from Cathy's in Kent as I had tickets for the Saturday evening for a concert by the delightful Kathryn Tickell at South Petherton in Somerset. I had originally purchased four tickets for this show, two for me and a "guest" and two for my friend Matthew Applegate and his wife Sue. However, after having looked her up on You Tube, Matthew decided he and his wife didn't like Kathryn Tickell's music and would not be coming. That's alright, another one of my masses of great mates would want these tickets, I was sure. WRONG! People were either busy, not interested, or in the case of my friend Jill Beed in Bridport, openly hostile to the idea of seeing Kathryn Tickell in concert! Her exact words were "wild horses could not drag me into that hall to listen to THAT woman!" I really wish she wouldn't beat around the bush and would let me know exactly how she feels about this music. Eventually, my dear old friend Ali Bessell came up from Portsmouth where she lives, we had a quick dinner at Ip's Palace Chinese in beautiful downtown Crewkerne, and then headed over to the David Hall Centre in South Petherton for the show. 150 people were crammed into the hall, and it was a superb show. The musicianship, the technical skills, the on-stage banter, it was all magical, and Kathryn and her band were on top form and went down a storm. One of the best musical evenings of my life. If you ever get a chance to see the Kathryn Tickell Band in concert, allow wild horses to drag you in - you will love it!

My next show is on Tuesday this week with a Henry visit to Parkfield Junior in Taunton, then I am off to the Maynard in Exeter later in the week.

Get Up - Stand Up. South Petherton

A terrifying prospect. Particularly if you're only four feet tall...

I had done some stand up in the past, but when I was doing it Margaret Thatcher was still stalking the land, like some huge Jurassic Tory nightmare. Some weeks ago, whilst sitting at home sipping a glass or two of Shiraz, I was reading the programme of forthcoming events at The David Hall Centre in South Petherton. The David Hall is an old church that has been re-born as this wonderful arts centre that seems to specialise in folk music and small scale touring theatre groups. Their programme stated that on the last Sunday of each month they host a "performers night". This is an open-mic event where anyone can come along and, well, do what they want. In a moment of Shiraz fuelled bravado I emailed them and said something along the lines of "gaaarg-thnarrrg performersh night - hic - I can do that...BARP... I can do a shtand up shlot for you.... (thud - slides unconscious to the floor - but not before sending the email)." And I promptly forgot I'd sent it. About a week later I check my emails and I am doomed. I get a reply from Chris Latham at the David Hall stating that they were looking forward to seeing me on the 26th September and had booked me a ten minute slot. ARGH! Oh my God! It's real! And so that little entry on my calendar on the wall, the one stating "stand up" in an innocent looking way, was suddenly looming up before me like the iceberg must have looked just before it struck the Titanic.

I put together a little 10 minute routine about being Henry VIII, some of the things kids say to me, Viagra adverts on my emails and even a joke or two about new age/pagan names (sorry!). I rehearsed it a few times wandering round the flat, but would it make people laugh? I added some other jokes as well, about me having an eating disorder (I am a bulimic with amnesia - I gorge on food but then forget to throw up afterwards) and an addiction (I drink brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want to) and it seemed to pep things up a bit. Suddenly it was Sunday morning of the 26th September. I had stage fright like I had not experienced since my first appearance at the Edinburgh Fringe back in 1987. By halfway through the afternoon I was on the verge of phoning the hall and saying I was ill, but I could not have looked myself in the face after that. So I went over...

It wasn't full, by any stretch of the imagination. The David Hall holds about 150 people maximum, but tonight we had about 25! There were folk singers aplenty, a very talented pretty young girl (probably still at school) who sang A Capella three numbers ranging from Elizabethan plain song to a Gershwin number, a duo with electric violin, and there was even one half of the band who had played at my 40th birthday party back in 2007 (see this blog passim). The lady in question (whose name escapes me - and I apologise) did some numbers accompanying herself on ukulele - and was brilliant. She included one delightfully moving little song about her 3 year old son called "Tick Tock", all about the passing of time and wishing it would stop so you could savour those golden moments all the more. I knew exactly what she meant. And then I was summoned onto stage...

...and it was all over! I went through my 10 minutes, got a stack of laughs, and on finishing got a roar of appreciation from the small audience and a long ovation. Very gratifying. I stayed to the end of the show watching the other artists before finally slipping away into the night. I got home about 11pm and celebrated with a glass or two of Shiraz (inevitably) - just hope I haven't sent any more emails to arts centres.

Today I am driving back to Kent to stay at my sister's near Sittingbourne as tomorrow I am back for my SEVENTH (yes, SEVENTH) visit to Blean School near Canterbury. I can't wait! And don't forget, next weekend it's the return of Chut Fest at Barrington Court. Chut Fest 2010 - see you there!