Le Temps Viendra Book Launch (with added Natalie Dormer for good measure)

Three roses, and a Tudor prick, all shamelessly plugging the book that EVERYONE MUST BUY!!!!

It has promised to be a very prestigious evening, and it delivered!  I had been asked by my friend Sarah Morris to appear at the launch of her first novel, "Le Temps Viendra" which was to take place on a river boat cruising up and down the Thames in London, with many guests including some very well known faces.

The early part of the day I had spent in Essex for a visit to my son James' school for his annual statement review.  All the school people were very pleased with him and it was a delight to have seen him make such excellent progress.  I left the school and headed down to Kent to spend some time with my lovely Shelley.  She very kindly gave me a lift to Maidstone East station to catch a train up to London for my appearance at the book launch.  Despite vast numbers of gobby school children the journey up was relatively pleasant and I arrived at Victoria Station with plenty of time to spare.  The taxi rank had masses of annoyed customers and virtually no taxis, but eventually I managed to grab one.  I jumped in the back and tried to strike up a conversation with my driver.

"Had a busy day?" I asked.  He looked at me in his rear view mirror and said nothing.  Perhaps he hadn't heard me.  So I tried again.

"Had a busy day?  Today?" I ventured, a little louder than the previous time.  Once more he studiously ignored me.  I could see what all of his concentration was focused on, and that was driving like a demented twat through very heavy traffic.  He carved up cars, bikes and buses with a complete lack of any fear or common sense, roaring up behind the car in front as though he was trying to get on board with them.  By the time we arrived at Westminster Pier for my drop off I was ready to kiss the tarmac in thanks for a safe delivery.  I went to pay him for this terrifying ordeal and as he wound down his window I decided to get my own back a bit.

"It has been such a pleasure chatting away with you on this journey....thank you...."  He looked blankly at me and prepared to roar off and terrify some more customers.

At the top of the steps next to the famous Victorian statue of Queen Boudicca, various idiots dressed in crappy Shrek and clown outfits posed for photos with tourists, and then demanded money off them afterwards for this intrusion.  Various heated arguments began from people who hadn't realised that their photo was going to cost them money. I waited at the pier head amongst some "lovely" French students, and was soon joined by the band Waytes and Measures who had previously worked with me on various visits to Sudeley Castle.  Next to arrive was the top historical author Alison Weir, and shortly afterwards Sarah Morris herself who looked absolutely stunning in a 1940's style figure hugging dress.  Finally, my Queen for the evening, dear Katherine Miller, arrived with her parents, so we wandered down to the pier end where our launch, the wonderful vessel "Edward" was waiting for us.  Upon boarding we found that there was only one room suitable to get changed in, so Katherine and I had to take turns to get into our Tudor togs.

Once changed we were soon upstairs in the viewing lounge where the whole presentation was going to take place.  Alison Weir was very approachable, especially after her third or fourth glass of champagne! As the daylight dimmed and London became illuminated the city just looked magical.  The new Shard building loomed out of the darkness and resembled some tower from "The Lord of the Rings" movies.  We cruised down past other river boats, many of who's passengers were started to see Henry VIII and one of his wives on our boat.  Drinks and food flowed, as did the conversation and the entire evening was an utter delight and a perfect way for Sarah to launch her book.  The "Edward" cruised as far down as Greenwich where the O2 Arena stood out like some sort of sci-fi dome in the Stygian gloom.  The meridian laser stood out stark from the Greenwich observatory and the Cutty Sark, in it's newly fitted surroundings looked incredible. This was turning into a magical night.  After speeches from Sarah's publisher, Alison Weir and Sarah herself we began the return trip back up the Thames to Westminster Pier.  It was a pleasure to meet and speak to the beautiful Natalie Dormer who had famously portrayed a very sensual and sexy interpretation of Anne Boleyn in "The Tudors" TV series.  She was an utter delight, friendly, chatty and staggeringly beautiful.  As you can see we managed to get some great photos of Sarah, Natalie, Katherine and myself all clutching copies of Sarah's excellent book.  We later went up onto the bow of the boat and Katherine Natalie and myself mucked about pretending to re-enact the bow scene from the movie "Titanic".  Luckily we managed to avoid any icebergs and arrived back at Westminster Pier just before 9pm.  I bid fond farewells to all the lovely people who had turned up on this special night and had supported Sarah on her big event.

I disembarked and walked up to Westminster Bridge and awaited a pick up from Dean the taxi driver, the fine man who normally takes Sir Owen to school each morning.  He picked me up by 9.30pm and soon I was whisked back to my lovely Shelley in Maidstone. It had been a superb, fantastic evening, but I was absolutely cream crackered.  Well done to Sarah on a brilliant evening.

South Green, Billericay

Good King Hal looking for his lost roll of lino in the lovely gardens of Barrington Court near Ilminster, in Somerset, which is in England in the United Kingdom and just off the coast of Europe, a minor land mass on the planet Earth which is the third rock from the star known as Sol.

Can it really already be a year since I was last at South Green Junior School in Billericay in Essex?  No, it isn't - its actually just over a year since I was last at South Green Junior School in Billericay in Essex.  Funny old World, innit?  Perhaps I really am getting old, but the years just seem to by flying past these days.

I had spent the Saturday evening with friends at the David Hall Centre in South Petherton in Somerset at a fund raising quiz evening.  Apparently there was some very strict rule about only being a team of four.  We turned up as a group of five which almost caused a complete melt down and over-load for one jobsworth volunteer at the hall.  His solution to the problem?  To dock us 5% of our score at the end to "make it fair".  As one of our team members said "he does know it's just a little quiz night for a charity?"  Anyway, he needn't have worried - it was quite a cryptic sort of quiz and we did struggle a little, however out of a field of nearly 20 teams we came a very respectable 4th.

I was up and out of the door very early on the Sunday morning and drove down to Kent to see my lovely lady Shelley.  We had a lovely day together and later, on the Monday I drove up to Essex to see my son James and get ready for the visit to South Green Junior School in Billericay.  This is a lovely school and one that I have visited over the past 5-6 years.  It was great to be back and I was warmly welcomed, and it was nice to see a very nice lady who had frequently seen my shows from when she used to work at Wickford Junior, a school I am funnily enough visiting in a few weeks time.  It was a group of about 60 children today from the year 6 group and they were mostly very well behaved, fun and ready to enjoy themselves.  The morning was fun and the group showed some really good genuine Tudor knowledge which was nice to see and hear.

Lunch was a surprisingly good lamb rogan josh and some ice cold cooling glasses of water. Super, smashing, lovely.  Again the stocks proved to be a big hit with the group and there was an absolute landslide victory (or should that be defeat?) for the lady teacher, formerly of Wickford Junior, in the vote amongst the children as to which teacher I should stick in the stocks.  The jousting was of a consistently high standard, but the final was a bit of a walkover for a more than competent Gents team.  This now makes our year long score:

GENTLEMEN 2 - 1 LADIES

I can't remember the last time the gentlemen actually had a lead in the competition.  It does make you wonder how long they can hang on to the lead, and can they actually win the year long thing for the first time ever.  All these questions and many more will probably eventually answered in this blog, but don't hold your breaths folks.

The King is off to London on Thursday for a book launch for his friend Sarah, which involves being driven up and down the Thames on a nice boat.  Splendid!  Then he is back to the school routine with a couple of visits to schools in Bristol next week.  It should be fun.

Better Late Than Never (And TOPLESS KATE MIDDLETON PICTURES!!!!! - that got your attention didn't it?)

Good King Hal in his latest replacement double glazing advert.  "I liked the product so much, I dissolved the monasteries, and made myself head of the newly formed Church of England.  Beat that, Victor Kiam."

I was feeling listless, uninspired, torpid to be honest.  And then I realised what the problem was - I had not had a single blog in over a week, and that is not good for you.  So, today I have decided to attempt a new blog, and here we are 50 words in and all is going well still.  The shock title of this blog is to try and see if I can get a few more hits from the outside world.  I suppose if I was going to really try and court publicity I should put on some crudely drawn cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed, but then some people in this world have had a complete sense of humour by-pass and I'd end up with some deranged lunatic setting fire to Tudor Roses (the pictures, not the ladies) and hurling stones at my windows.  But I can handle the pressure! Or as Prince William said to Kate Middleton "get yer writs out!", so let's get on with the blog.

Tuesday the 11th of September found me driving up to Harrogate in Yorkshire for a visit to Bicton Grange School in the town.  Normally when I am going away to do a show and have to find somewhere to stay I tend to plump for the obvious Travelodge option as they are cheap, easy to find, but admittedly utterly soulless.  So in advance of my trip I went on to the Travelodge website - their hotel in the middle of Harrogate wanted to charge an extortionate rate just to get your head down for the evening, plus they had no car park and your only nearby option was to use a local municipal car park at a breath-taking £1.10 per hour.  I would find somewhere else.  With the help of my lovely Shelley we went on line and checked various of these "Last Minute dot com" and "You want a room, where!!??" type of websites.  I had soon found the St George's Hotel and Spa in the middle of Harrogate that would normally charge somewhere in the region of about £120 a night for the most basic of room, but on this site was flogging off rooms at £40 per night - so I went for that.  After the long drive up to Harrogate I was delighted to find what a charming town it is - very leafy and pleasant, with big wide open spaces right in the middle of the town.  Finding the St George's Hotel, or more specifically it's car park was proving a bit more of a headache.  I eventually stopped and asked a couple of ladies walking by the side of the road where I could find the St George's Hotel, and scarcely cracking a smile they pointed to a sign directly behind them that said in letters about four feet high "ST GEORGE'S HOTEL".  Should have gone to Spec-Savers.  Now I know I got a cheap room, but a hotel of the quality of St George's will make sure it can screw every other penny out of you at every opportunity.  So just to leave my car in their small car park over night was an extra £5. KER-CHING! Wi-Fi Internet connection was free, it just didn't work very well and was quite staggeringly slow.

I decided to spoil myself that night with a nice dinner in the hotel restaurant.  It appeared I was one of only two people eating in the cavernous dining room that night, but never mind.  I kicked off with coquille st jacques, which was delicious but tiny, and then had a succulent sirloin steak which was cooked to perfection.  I washed this down with a very agreeable bottle of Merlot.  This meal alone cost more than the rental of the room had originally cost. KER-CHING!  I slept OK, but there was a lot of noise outside the hotel at night which disturbed me from time to time.  I got up in the morning, showered and shaved, and prepared for the short drive to the school.  However, before that I decided to have my "free" breakfast at the hotel.  I dashed down to the dining room and explained my haste to a bewildered looking east European waiter, and grabbed a plate of egg, sausage and bacon, and gulped down a pot of tea.  It was OK, but as it was "free" it tasted a bit better.  I went to check out only to discover the breakfast wasn't free at all - for my egg, bacon and sausage, and one cup of tea I had been charged £10.  KER-CHING!  So I might have started off with a cheap room but I was now starting to head for a cost close to the import deficit of a medium sized third-world country.  KER-CHING!
Bicton Grange School was a delight.  I was very warmly welcomed by all the staff who were very excited about the arrival of Henry VIII at their school.  I was with the year 5/6 group today and they wanted to split the groups into three and then have me do three separate "Henry's Horrid History" presentations to the groups.  Sounded great to me, but I have to admit by the time I got to the final group at the start of the afternoon I was exhausted.  It was great to get all of the group together at the end for a right royal Jousting tournament.  It was uproarious and entertaining and culminated in a win for...... the Gents!  This makes our start of the academic year score:

GENTLEMEN 1 - 1 LADIES

It's nice to see it so close at the beginning of the year.  I wonder if the ladies will just race off into the distance like they did last year?  Watch this space...
Fully recovered from my 6 hours+ drive back from Harrogate, I was then on the road early again on the Saturday for a trip up to Wallington in Surrey for another Wedding appearance.  This time I was to be toast master and MC for the wedding reception of Manuela Jenkins and Ian Flowers at Carew Manor, one time home of the Carew family in Tudor times, but now a special school run by the local authority.  It was at Carew Manor that Henry VIII apparently had various assignations with Jane Seymour before their marriage, dirty old devil.  I arrived and was welcomed by the caretaker, a really lovely bloke and one of the catering managers for the event, the deliciously named Amie Poland, who apparently is cousin of dear old Mungo from the Knights of Royal England - what a small world it is.  Well it was a lovely event and a nice evening.  The Bride and Groom looked stunning as they arrived at the Manor being driven along in an 80+ years old open top Lagonda car, which rather worryingly smelt like my late grandfather's sit on lawn mower when the engine was switched off.  Bizarre. 
The meal was lovely, I introduced the speeches and then I was on my way, down to Maidstone and my lovely Shelley.  On the Sunday we went over to my sister's near Sittingbourne to meet up with Michelle Coda and young Vix for a cup of tea and discussions about possible future Tudor projects.  It was a very positive meeting given extra piquancy thanks to Sir Owen of Leeds Castle producing silent but deadly "Butler's Revenge"-style farts that could strip paint from 20 yards and make your eyes water like tear gas.  That's the last time he's getting onions for lunch, I can tell you.
Right, up to date now, and I honestly promise never to hang on to my blogs as long as this again.  I know it is bad for me.  Perhaps I should eat more onions like Sir Owen.  Oh, and no topless Kate Middleton photos, just a joke.  And definitely no cartoons of "you know who".

Wedding 'Em at Hedingham! Plus Nonsuch Awareness...

Good King Hal and his Mother discussing the current rocketing price of rhubarb in the Yemen.

Ah, a late summer wedding - how nice!  Louise, a fine Tudor Lady who I have walked around some of the best stately homes in Britain with, was getting married to her fiance Jason, with the wedding taking place in the august surrounds of Hedingham Castle, followed by a reception at a lovely hotel in Old Harlow Town.  I drove up to Hedingham from Amanda's house in Basildon, and this time I wasn't chased round Chelmsford by the Police Interceptors team, so there goes my chances of appearing on Channel 5 in the next few months.  It was a scorching hot day on the Saturday and I wasn't sure how I would last in the full Henry gear.  I was joined in being costumed by the Tudor Roses who arrived very shortly after I did.  There was Lady Emma, Lady Erica and Lady Katherine, who seemed fully recovered from her recent visit to Barrington Court.  They were as ever accompanied by the splendid "Lord" Darren Wilkins and his ever present camera.

We were supposed to get changed on the top floor of the keep at Hedingham, but to be honest I wasn't sure my knees could manage to drag me and the enormous costume up that many stairs, so as the Roses disappeared off to their lofty perch, I chickened out and went into the deserted cafe on the 1st floor and got changed in there instead.  We were soon all Tudored-Up and ready for action, and just in time as well as the first guests were already arriving.  We greeted them outside the keep and ushered them up to the cafe where soft drinks were being served.  Some of the Tudor Roses got a little over-excited by the extremely muscular and buff paramedics on duty that day, but I blame the heat personally.  The groom and best man arrived and looked fine in their Tudor costumes, so we positioned ourselves in the main hall on the 2nd floor and awaited the arrival of the bride.  The hall was darkened and lit purely by candle-light and looked stunningly atmospheric.  With everyone seated news filtered up that the bride was here.  I was positioned at the front of the hall and armed with my Tudor recorder as I had been requested to serenade the bride in.  She seemed a bit taken aback by my rendition of the "Hawaii Five-O" theme, but perked up a little when I launched into a growl cornet version of "It Must Be Jelly 'Cause Jam Don't Shake Like That".  Of course I didn't, I had been asked to play "Greensleeves", so I did and it was either bloody awful or lovely as it reduced Louise to tears.  I also played during the signing of the register, and then it was time for photos outside the castle.  Myself and the Tudor Roses then made a run for it as we had to drive the 30+ miles to Harlow and the reception hotel, to be there ready for when the guests arrived.  This involved not getting changed out of the Tudor clothes and driving fully Henry'd up, which garnered me one or two odd looks from other drivers.

The Reception meal was delightful, and there were little gifts for all the Tudor Roses and myself.  I did my announcements for the arrival of the Bride and Groom, and then also did the announcement for the speeches. That was the end of the meal and tables were soon being moved as it was time for the evening dance to begin.  But I had an early start in the morning for an appearance at the Nonsuch Awareness Day near Epsom in Surrey in the morning.  So after getting changed and making my many goodbyes I drove down to Kent and an evening with my lovely Shelley.  Heaven!  Louise and Jason's wedding was really memorable and great fun - I wish them a long and happy marriage!

The King at the Nonsuch Awareness Day with a piece of impressive machinery in his hands.

Shelley very kindly offered to drive me and Sir Owen over to the Nonsuch Awareness Day, which was lovely!  I was going to go into great detail about Nonsuch Palace and it's history, but I would be here all day - the best I can suggest is you click on this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsuch_Palace and read all about it there!  Better still go out and buy one of XTC's finest albums which is called "Nonsuch" and has a very nice wood carving of the palace on the cover.  Andy Partridge's bank manager will thank you profusely.

I was once more joined by the Tudor Roses, this time Lady Emma and Lady Erica, and the inevitable Lord Wilkins.  We had a fine time walking round the stalls and chatting to the various stall holders.  There was a fine mixture of craftsmen, associations, armed forces, BMX riders and charities there, and in the scorching weather there was a very good turn out - estimates put it at about 2,000 people, which was magnificent.  Shelley, Owen and I took great delight in watching the BMX riders doing their stunts and then laughing like drains when they fell off.  Very childish but tremendous fun. Lady Erica enjoyed herself enormously with the soldiers from the local TA, with their great big transporter - saucy thing.  All in all it was a fun day, a little too warm for my liking, but fun to be with the Roses and a delight to be with my Shelley.  It was also good to see the Tudor Roses showing the historical dancers there how to do it properly.  A big shout out to Leanne Pickard who organised the whole thing and did a fabulous job.  Well done!

West Leigh School

Good King Hal clog dancing outside Strode House.  Total amount given by passers by?  Not a toss.

A new academic year!  Has there been a summer break?  I think I missed it.  With all that jousting and romping round the country I think I have an excuse for missing it.  I drove up to Kent first of all to spend some time with Shelley, and then the following day I drove to Essex to see my lovely son James and his Mummy.  After these two pleasant days of semi rest it was then time to don the robes and become Henry again.

West Leigh School is a lovely place - I was making my fourth annual appearance this year, booked as ever by the wonderful Bella Garrett.  It was a bright sunny morning for the drive down there, proving that after all the rain and misery of the summer holidays it was inevitable that the sun would come out and the temperatures would go through the roof as soon as the kids went back to school.  I was greeted with a hug and kiss from Bella, which was very sweet of her, and then a welcoming cup of tea.  It was a big group today, over 120 year three children - all of them very excitable and loud.  Their enthusiasm was very infectious, but it was sometimes hard to keep a lid on them as they got too excited!   But we had a great morning and lots of laughs.

Bella very kindly wandered down to the local supermarket to get me a sandwich for my lunch and then it was on for the mad afternoon session.  The stocks were a raging success, lots of laughs and whoops of delight from the audience.  The jousting threatened to dissolve into chaos to begin with.  During the first ladies race quintaines, quoits and lances went flying in all directions and several of the young ladies became distraught and claimed that the jousting was too difficult.  So I stopped the race after what seemed like a lifetime of directionless galloping and quoits flying around the hall and gave them another run down on how to make the jousting easier for them.  Still one of the little ladies, a cutie called Annie, claimed it was too hard, but luckily Bella persuaded her to continue to take part, and as it was her team won the ladies tournament!  Then we found the gents champions, and they were very good, so it was obvious who was going to win the overall title.  Yes, Annie and her hopeless ladies romped to a famous victory!  So our very first score for the new year has a familiar ring to it!

GENTLEMEN 0 - 1 LADIES

Different year, same results!

The King is off to Castle Hedingham again this weekend for a wedding appearance, which should be fun, and the weather looks good.  Then next week I am off up to Harrogate in Yorkshire for a school appearance.

Barrington Court and Horrid History! (and Burrow Hill Scrumpy - don't do it).

Lady Katherine and Good King Hal having a quick "Vulture" session at Barrington Court much to the amazement of the people around them.

Just what I needed!  After the rigours of the jousting season finally began to recede it seemed only right that I should go back to being Henry in my "Horrid History" show, this time at dear old Barrington Court.  The original idea was for me to be joined by a phalanx (or is it a flock?) of Tudor Roses, but initially with poor Emma Fuery sidelined after back surgery, one or two others couldn't make it, and in the end I was accompanied on the Sunday by a Tudor Rose (singular) - namely the lovely Katherine Miller.

My weekend was nice anyway as I had my lovely lady Shelley Hughes staying with me along with her son, the renowned Sir Owen of Leeds Castle and the Broomfield Exit.  The Saturday walkabout was very nice as the weather was very kind, not too hot and no sign of any rain.  Shelley, Owen and I had a quick picnic in the grounds of Barrington Court before I went off to get changed for my official Royal duties.  I strolled the grounds from 12.30pm until 2.30pm, where I then stepped into the Great Hall only just recently vacated by Anthony Gormley and his "Morphs".  It was a good show on the Saturday, a nice group of people and lots of laughs.  Sir Owen held my cane for me during the show, a very important job!  It was also nice to see Russ Wardell and his lovely wife at the end of the show.  We popped home to my flat and awaited the arrival of Katherine from London, and it wasn't long before we were down at Crewkerne Station picking her up.  She was to be staying at the Duke of York pub in Shepton Beauchamp just down the road from Barrington.  We delivered her safely there and decided to have dinner with her at the Duke.  We had a lovely meal, but by this time (about 8pm), poor old Sir Owen was done in, and even the temptation of a chocolate ice cream couldn't persuade him to lift his head from the table with barely audible mentions that he was "tye-erred".

The Sunday weather looked a bit dodgy as we drove over to Shepton to pick up Katherine for the second day of the Horrid History walkabout.  A spattering of rain as we got out the car didn't look too promising, but in the end we got away with the weather altogether, and I am a poet and I didn't know it.  Another picnic in the grounds was followed by Shelley helping to lace Katherine into her dress!  Soon we were off perambulating again, and this time the Horrid History Show was transplanted into the old Kitchen where I have done so many shows in the past at Barrington.  We had a huge turnout for the Sunday show and, if anything it went far better than the Saturday performance - loads of laughs from the crowd and many handshakes and congratulations afterwards.  Matthew Applegate, the Visitor Services Manager at Barrington was delighted, and was even told he was a "poo-poo man" by Sir Owen, which I am sure made his day complete.

We dropped Katherine off at Crewkerne Station after the show and she was soon winging her way back to the mighty metropolis that is London - it was lovely to see her again.  She is such a nice lady.  Shelley then treated me to a Chinese take away, which was most welcome and we finished off the evening watching Doctor Who (recorded from the Saturday night!) and my favourite movie "The Apartment".  A lovely evening all round.

Shelley and Owen headed back to Kent on the Monday morning and I went back to the flat to get everything ready for my next few days away doing shows and visits.  I attempted to write this blog up last night, but rather idiotically did it after drinking almost industrial amounts of Burrow Hill Scrumpy.  Now this was an incredibly stupid thing to do.  I woke up sitting on my sofa at 3am, freezing cold but happy that I had at least not published the rubbish I had been typing.  WRONG.  I looked at my blog and there for all to see was an entry that started off very lucidly, but rapidly descended into complete nonsense.  It was like reading Shakespeare after he'd had a goblet of mead too many.  Hamlet's soliloquy starts off all right with his "to be or not to be..." but unfortunately ended with him shouting "Grrrrrrrr.... thnarg bucket banana!" at Ophelia and then passing out on the chaise longues.  So kids, if you're thinking of writing a blog under the influence of scrumpy - don't do it!  (The really worrying thing is that by the morning 25 people had read it and two people said they liked it....  I hope they like this substitute and sober blog as well!).

Off to Kent now, then Essex for my first school visit of this educational year as I am off to West Leigh Junior near Southend.  Looking forward to it immensely.  But no more scrumpy....

It's The End, But The Moment Has Been Prepared For...

The Knights of Royal England - splendid fellows.  All of them.

And so, the end was near and so we faced, our final curtain...  The last regular weekend of the jousting summer was suddenly upon us before I had even realised it was coming.  The Friday and Saturday was to be back for the final two days at Hever Castle.  Hever has been magnificent this year, even when the mud in the arena was so thick you could have re-coated the M25 with it - the crowds have turned up en masse for our shows.  We were without William of Antioch for the final two shows at Hever, but everyone else was there and, as ever, much fun was had by all.  It was also to be our final two shows with Michelle Coda in tow as she would not be coming to Hedingham for the shows there.  But we were without Vix who was off appearing in her drama society production of "Annie".  Michelle had been to see one of the performances earlier in the week and declared that the production was very "provincial" - damning!  But Vix was enjoying herself so that was alright.

I had promised James a wage packet for his hard work over the summer with the jousting team, and he was mostly pre-occupied with what he wanted to spend it on.  One of his ideas is he wants a fishing rod as he is hell bent on the idea of going fishing.  Those of you who know James will be aware that he has the attention span of a amphetamine addicted gnat and a very low boredom threshold, so perhaps fishing is not the best idea for a new hobby.  But he is still going on about it.  So watch this space, I shall let you know what is finally purchased.  To be honest, it could be anything.

The last two shows at Hever passed in what can only be described as a blur.  But they were well attended like all the other shows there this summer and a great reaction from the crowd.  So with barely time to lean against a side board and gasp for breath we were off, up to Essex for a Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday at Hedingham Castle near Halstead.   I had never worked at Hedingham before, I had visited in the past as a regular punter, but was delighted by what I saw.  The castle is a typical Norman keep atop a steep hill.  It is very reminiscent of Rochester Castle in Kent or the central keep at the Tower of London.  The actual tilting arena was tiny in comparison with Hever and Leeds Castle, but it was a lovely setting.  Whereas the jousters were at the foot of the hill changing in their horse box, James and I, and the Tudor Roses, were in a large marquee that a wedding reception had been held in, behind the main house of the owners of Hedingham Castle.  It was two shows a day at Hedingham with plenty of other distractions for the punters - archery, side stalls, a jester, various food outlets etc.  It was a truly magnificent sight.  James had a go at the archery on the Monday morning and managed to score a bulls eye with only his second arrow.  That's my boy! 

The four shows were great fun, lots of laughs from us and the audience, and with the much smaller arena you got a great reaction from the punters when something exciting happened.  Whenever a lance was smashed on a shield the gasp from the audience was very audible - great stuff.  Sir William of Antioch also showed off shamelessly, particularly on the Monday when he pretended to get the huff and stomped off into the audience, sitting with people, trying to steal lunches and even posing beautifully with a child's tiny clear plastic umbrella.

The only drawback for me over the weekend was being stopped by the Police on my way to Hedingham the first day - it turned out the MOT on my car had expired four weeks ago.  Oops!  It cost me a £60 fine  but will make me more aware of checking the expiry dates on my MOT's in future.

We got filmed by a US TV cable network called Reels (or something!) who shot the show and also interviews with various members of the cast (myself included), so if you're in the States and you know a channel called Reels, or Reel then keep a look out for me!  I also got to meet the owner of Hedingham at the end of the second show and he seemed keen on getting the King back in the future.  That would suit me!

And so it was over for another year.  We posed for the picture above before the second show on the Monday - I intend to print it out in large format and laminate it so James can put it up in his bedroom as a nice memento of a very memorable summer for him.  He can look at it when he gets back from fishing....

The photo was taken by Shelley Hughes - she is beautiful!  Just thought the world needed to know!

Hever? Indeedly Sudeley...

The Knights of Royal England democratically deciding who has to buy the next round of drinks at the Pub.

And so the long fun summer of jousting starts to wind down.  The penultimate weekend started off with me down in Somerset with my son James.  I had been keeping him entertained for a few days by taking him for days out, or to the cinema to see Ice Age 4, or by simply allowing him to thrash me mercilessly at baseball and tennis on the Wii Sports game.

We drove up to Essex on the Wednesday evening and then intended to head down to Kent on the Thursday - which was the plan, but poor old James started suffering with a tooth ache on the Thursday morning, to such an extent that he willingly volunteered to go to the dentist the following morning (first available appointment), so therefore for the Friday show at Hever I was a small loud herald short for the day. And I really did miss having him there - and funnily enough Michelle Coda's daughter Vix was also unavailable that day.  So not a Herald in sight!  The Friday was a good fun show - quite staggeringly hot and airless, but the audience really joined in and enjoyed the show.  James was recovered enough from his dental torture to return to the fray on the Saturday. Well if you thought the Friday had been hot - you ain't seen nothing yet!  This Saturday simply sweltered with temperatures at Hever Castle at about 80 degrees.  It was unbearably hot in the Royal Box doing the commentary, so goodness knows what the poor jousters were going through in the middle. The audience seemed equally dulled by the blistering heat and were quiet, non-responsive and a bit lethargic to be honest.  It was hard work trying to whip up any enthusiasm with them at all.  But in that weather you really couldn't blame them at all.

I was already pre-booked for the Sunday at Sudeley Castle from some time ago, and so the jousting at Hever had to occur without Henry for once, but I did really miss being there with the jousters and Michelle.  Sudeley looked lovely in the early morning light and dappled sunshine.  Luckily the weather in the Cotswolds was about 10 degrees cooler than it had been the previous day at Hever.  So it was another wander round the grounds of Sudeley Castle - groups from the Tudor Roses and Tudor Gowns were also there, as was the Tudor music group Waytes and Measures, but James and I ploughed our own solo furrow for the vast majority of the day, meeting people and posing for photographs.  The weather was very kind on this final day at Sudeley for the summer, but I was slowed down with a stiff painful ankle, which plagued me for most of the afternoon and finally forced me to give up early on the day at about 3.30pm.

On leaving Sudeley, James and I drove out to Wales for a few days at Newcastle Emlyn with my parents, where we are still currently residing and being spoilt rotten.  Mind you, the pub my Dad and I went to in Cenarth last night was                              (censored on legal advice).

James and I head back to the South East late on Wednesday and will be back at Hever Castle for our final joust there on Friday and Saturday, and then off to Castle Hedingham in Essex for the Sunday and Monday for the final summer joust of 2012.  It has been a blast.

The Never Ending Bumps of Doom...

...but very soon Good King Hal was back to his charming, sociable, cuddly self.  My, how we all laughed.

With the Blenheim shows out of the way, it was time to head back to Kent and another joust at Leeds Castle.  This time however it was an evening corporate joust for an American based company who were in situ at Leeds Castle all week.  Michelle Coda came along as well and to begin with she, the rest of the jousting team and me spent the early part of the evening hiding in their tent as it was absolutely tipping down with rain.  It poured and poured, the sound deafening on the roof of the tent as we cowered inside.  Lightning flashed across the sky and thunder rumbled menacingly, and one or two of us were more than a little worried that we were in an open field, sheltering from a big electrical storm inside a large metal framed tent.  Not the cleverest place to be in that situation.  But the clouds and rain passed by and suddenly light evening sunshine appeared.  We were then introduced to Larry from the American group, their head honcho and a man hell bent on riding into the arena on one of the jousters horses, wearing a helmet and clutching a sword.  And all of this while wearing a pair of shoes that can only be described as BLUE!!!  Well, we did our show OK, but thankfully there was a small group of children from a local youth group to add some atmosphere as there was very little feedback from the American guests hidden in their marquee.  To be honest the show was hard work, simply due to the lack of audience reaction, you suddenly realised just how much this show relied upon audience participation.

I was back at Leeds Castle on Wednesday evening, and with the same American group from the Monday evening joust, for a champagne reception and evening banquet.  I had been paid a deposit by them and they were going to pay the rest on the evening.  I got an email from them the night before asking if I could swap from the Wednesday to the Sunday evening, but I couldn't as I was already booked up.  They then said as I was only appearing on the Wednesday they had decided to drop my fee.  I was not a happy bunny, as I think most people would be.  I arrived at the Castle bristling for a fight, and soon got one.  I was speaking to the lady from Hospitality at Leeds and said I wasn't happy about the way I was being treated by the host company.  Her immediate response was "well, if you want to leave you can go..." at which point I was quite tempted to.  I then said to her I needed to speak to the main organising lady from the American group and struggled to remember her name and ventured the option of Lisa.  The Leeds lady immediately bristled and said, rather snottily that the lady was a representative from a very important client, her name was Laura and suggested I get her name right before I spoke to her,  This was the snotty straw that broke the camels back.  I told the Leeds lady that the American lady should get her f***ing figures right when booking artists.  So I threatened to walk out and leave, but was encouraged by slightly less snotty Leeds lady to stay.  So I did the meet and greet, later paraded the guests down to the banquet hall, and then did a little 10 minutes stand up slot that had them rolling in the aisles with laughter.  I guess I won them over.  At the event I even got to meet Missy Franklin, three gold and one bronze medal winning swimmer from the American team at the 2012 London Olympics.  She had one of her gold medals with her, so I had a chance to hold the medal and get a close up of it - huge, and staggeringly heavy.  And Missy herself was lovely, and quite amazingly tall!  She towered over me! So what had begun as an unpleasant evening, in the end was a very memorable one.

Friday saw myself, Michelle Coda, her daughter Vix and my son James back at Hever Castle for another weekend of jousting.  It was good to see Sir Owen of Leeds Castle there for each and every day, alongside his delightful and yummy mummy, Shelley.  The Friday was amazingly hot and sweaty, with barely a breath of wind to be found.  We were also short of men from the jousting team with Ashley, Bill, Dan, Mungo and Andy all missing for a variety of reasons. So for once the Knight Marshall's at both ends of the arena were ladies - Lady Kim ("the Squeeze of du Barry" as I introduced her!) at the red end, and her daughter Lucy ("Bob") manning the blue end.  It was a pretty good show, despite the stifling heat and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.  We ended up back at Michelle's house in Folkestone eating a lovely take away Chinese and drinking cold beer.  Just what was needed.

Saturday, and all the lads were back for the jousting show (And Sir Owen and Lady Shelley!).  The day began with the horse box arriving at the Castle and, after the real horses had been taken out and tethered, Jeremy went back into the box and produced a pantomime horse, consisting of his son Sam and Sam's mate Alex.

As you can see from the picture attached, it was incredibly realistic.  OK, so not to us, but as the pantomime nag clopped down the back of the horse box it completely freaked out the real horses who backed off and tried to break their tethering to hoof it away.  Michelle's daughter Vix got to have a ride on the pantomime horse's back, much to her delight.  It turned out this was one of many costumes Jeremy had recently purchased from an auction, most of them jokey fancy dress efforts, but we would see a lot more of them later that day.

The show on the Saturday was great - a fantastic responsive audience and even a nice cooling breeze for us idiots dressed up in costumes.  Very much appreciated.  James and Vix got much more involved in the show this time around and even had a good old bop around the arena at the end when we played "We Will Rock You" by Queen, and Sam and Bill came back on for their traditional victory dance.  The Tudor Roses were in attendance as well on the Saturday, and so after the show it was decided we should all go along to the Kentish Horse pub just up the road from Hever for some dinner and drinks.  We thought the other jousters might be there, but of all of them only young Mungo had shown up.  Sir Owen was terribly upset as he wanted to see Sir William (or "The Bad Guy" as he calls him), but of the others there was not a sign.  Eventually Sir Owen and Lady Shelley had to leave and make their way home.  Barely five minutes after they had gone Jeremy and Kim's Land Rover swept into the pub car park and 12 (YES, TWELVE) jousters leaped out of the interior all dressed in various silly costumes from Jeremy's purchase.  Ashley and Sam were Gorillas, even if Ash's one bore a striking resemblance to Amy Winehouse from behind, Kim and Lady Porlock were rabbits, Jeremy a big pink elephant, Lucy was a turtle, Sir Stepen of Porlock was a Womble (or a Wookiee Womble as James christened him) and there was also penguins, more rabbits and Stephanie was a cross between a Tiger and a Wolf, whatever the hell that is.  It was hysterical fun as you can see from the pictures, but I was quite glad young Sir Owen had gone as he gets so excited when he meets the jousters normally, that to see them in their costumes, arsing about in the pub garden I think he might have completely freaked out.  James was in heaven though and laughed like a drain throughout.

 Sir Stephen of Porlock remembering he's a Wookiee Womble (please note departing rear end of Tiger/Wolf hybrid).

 Sir William of Antioch not completely thrilled at the stifling heat.  Not a happy bunny.

Lady Kim and Sir Jasper as a rabbit and an elephant.  No honestly...

And so we came to Sunday, our final day.  The heat was still on, and sadly the cooling breeze had more or less vanished as well.  But it was another good show, with a very vocal Sir Owen in attendance as ever and a very thrilled audience who took part with great gusto.  After the show another drink at the Kentish Horse seemed like the best idea to get over the rigours of the day.  But it was only one, for then James and I had to climb in the car and begin our long journey back to Somerset.  We got back after about two and a bit hours, then watched a load of the Olympic closing ceremony.  James then went to bed but unfortunately was up about an hour later throwing up everywhere.  So my lovely weekend concluded with me on all fours mopping up five big puddles of vomit.  Not how I expected it to end, to be honest.

And the title of this blog?  Vix's description of the speed bumps as you drive into Hever Castle!  They were the "Never Ending Bumps of Doom"!  Brilliant.

From a Castle to a Palace...

No funny caption for once.  Just an insufferably cute picture of James and Vix at Hever Castle recently.  Awww!  Bless!

And the jousting bandwagon rolls on through the summer...  On Thursday 2nd August we were at Leeds Castle for a jousting event, with two shows to do - one at 12.30pm and one at 2.30pm.  As usual with a Leeds event everything was very well planned and organised, and a big crowd turned up for both shows.  But at the end of the show, this was no time to relax - James (my son and squire for the week) headed to my sister's place for a night, before getting up very early on the Friday for a drive up to Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire for a weekend of jousting there.

We were up at 5am and on the road by 6am.  The plan was to try and blast our way round the M25 ahead of the rush hour and then stop for a breakfast somewhere up near Blenheim.  At first it seemed this idea was enormously flawed as we got on the M26 and were treated to the site of stationary traffic and red brake lights.  But this soon passed and we made good progress right round to the M40.  I had been advised by all the jousters that any sat nav would try to take you off the M40 at junction 8 and bring you to the town of Woodstock straight through the middle of Oxford, but I should ignore this and come off at junction 9 as it was much easier, and were they right.  James and I stopped at a Little Chef for a breakfast commonly known as "Heart Attack on a Plate" and then made our way to Blenheim Palace itself.  What a fantastic site! Such beautiful grounds and a stunning building.  The jousters were set up on the back lawn and it was good to see them again.  James and I helped set up the arena with them and we prepped for the day hoping against hope that the threatening clouds above didn't rain too much.

We had good turn outs on all the days at Blenheim - not really in the Leeds Castle or Hever Castle amounts of people, but still enough to build up a good atmosphere.  After the first day it was great to see my old friend Claire Venables and her son Tolly in the audience.  I hadn't seen Claire in years, so it was great to see her and meet Tolly for the first time.  So good to be back in touch.  After the second show James and I made our way to our hotel (a simply enormous Travelodge near Bicester, which was functional and comfortable, which is about all you can say about most Travelodges).  The service area next door was over-priced to the point of robbery.  I took James over there on the first night and bought him a few nibbles and magazines, things to keep him amused, but nothing major.  The bill came to over £27!  When I asked the bloke on the counter if it was correct he printed off the bill and showed me.  I requested to keep the bill so I could frame it for posterity.  We then drove back to near Blenheim for dinner with the jousters at the White House Pub right next door to the Palace.  The food was OK if a little uninspiring, but the company great fun.

Saturday's shows were fun as well, aside from a terrific downpour during the children's parade on the second show.  In the break between shows, Ashley (one of our blue knights) flaked out on the ground next to the horse box for a quick snooze.  As he lay there in his full jousting gear, Steve, one of the red knights, took it upon himself to make a lasso out of some rope, and gently tie it round Ashley's ankles.  He took such time and precision with his work that the rest of us were mesmerised, waiting anxiously to see what would happen to the poor slumbering blue knight when his plan came to fruition.  He seemed to have everything in place, then wrenched the cord hard to snap the lasso closed around Ashley's ankle - and the whole Heath Robinson designed unravelled in his hands and he fell flat on his back - accompanied by loud guffaws from the watching crew.  Ashley stirred into life and wondered what everyone was laughing at, lost interest and lay back down to sleep some more.

Saturday night we ate at the much more pleasant Woodstock Arms pub in central Woodstock.  Again an evening of great fun was had by all, and once again, as I had young James in tow with me, I had to leave early.  James and I checked out of the luxurious Travelodge on Sunday morning and headed over to the Palace for the final two shows.  The Knights and I were joined by Sarah Morris, one time Tudor Rose and soon to be published Anne Boleyn novelist, and she was Queen for the day.  During the first show, Sam of Hever took a bit of a blow to the face with a sword and had to be taken to hospital for a patch up and a couple of temporary stitches, but he was back in time for the second show which was delayed for a short while by a downpour of quite Biblical proportions which ended up with all of the Knights, Squires, Knight Marshall's et al crammed into Steve's tent trying to dodge the rain.  But all the shows at Blenheim were good fun and the crowds, though not massive, were certainly good.

James and I drove away from a sodden soggy Blenheim, only to discover that less than 10 miles down the road the ground was parchment dry!  We got back to his Mum's house in Essex and settled down for the evening.  I am off back to Leeds Castle tomorrow evening for a corporate joust show, then back at Leeds on Wednesday for another corporate evening bash.  Tired, but happy!

Spice Up Your Life. And Up Yours Too.

Good King Hal and his Mother, at Hever Castle this weekend.  I said, Mum, tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  And she punched me in the Adam's Apple and broke my camera.

So after finishing at Christchurch Mansion in Ipswich, it was back to the jousting cavalcade and back to Hever Castle for the Saturday and Sunday, and then a Monday at Leeds Castle.  At the Hever jousting arena the ground was a lot dryer, but it was still too churned up from the quagmire show a few weeks back, and so we were on the temporary arena down near the lake again.  My son James came along and was dressed as a Herald in borrowed gear from the Knights of Royal England, and he looked absolutely splendid.  Michelle and her daughter Victoria were in attendance as well and so we began our long trek across the grounds of Hever to the jousting field.  When we arrived at where the Knights had set up their horse box and HQ in the corner of the field it was rumoured that we had a "celebrity" in for the show.  It turned out to be Geri Halliwell, formerly Ginger from the Spice Girls, along with her PA and her two daughters.  They had been brought over after having had a personal tour of Hever Castle itself and were sat on chairs provided for them by Hever management which some twit had placed far too close to the edge of the jousting arena.  It was hardly surprising that they first moved back a bit, and then Geri ended up joining me in the Royal Box as I continued my commentary.  Sam of Hever came up with a great joke, when he came to challenge Sir Jasper du Barry he rode up to the tilt and I asked him what he wanted, and he said "I'll tell you what I want, what I really, REALLY want..." and luckily Geri laughed at this.  Later when Sam and Dan engaged in a bit of sub-macho chest barging I commented that it was nice to see the "two become one", which again elicited a minor chuckle from the ex-Spice personage. 

That evening after the show there was my sister Cath's annual barbecue and vast drinking session at her home in Stockbury.  It was good to see all my family there and lots of old friends, including dear old Ian Weston from Portals to the Past, plus Darren and Emma from the Tudor Roses and their kids Johnny and Matty.  Sir Owen of Leeds Castle's lovely mummy Shelley was there also.  So all in all, it was an utterly splendid evening with lots of laughs and the finest of company.

Back at the Castle on the Sunday there was a multitude of Spice Girls related jokes in the show - Sir Stephen of Porlock was dubbed Old Spice, Ashley of Hampshire was Posh Spice and Sir Jasper du Barry even became Fifty Shades of Grey Spice.  And amazingly a copy of Geri Halliwell's autobiography had been delivered to the Castle with a personal dedication inside it from Ginger Spice herself, declaring her undying love for Sir Sam of Hever.  He was delighted with his present and has declared that it is something that he will never part with for the rest of his life.  Both days at Hever were lovely and it was good to see Sir Owen of Leeds there for both shows as ever. 

On the Monday morning James and I were back over to Leeds Castle for two shows - both of which were packed out.  Sir Owen of Leeds was inevitably on hand to enjoy the shows, though my parents were due to come along but sadly my Mother didn't feel so well and so they reluctantly had to cancel their visit.  It was good to see Darlene and Becky back at the Castle, and the entire jousting group had a fabulous day.  And not a Spice Girl in sight.  Perhaps we'll get Liam Gallagher next week, or remaining members of B*Witched.  Who can tell...

Christchurch Mansion Day 2

The Beverley Sisters after a direct hit from the Luftwaffe.

And so, on the very day that the London Olympics officially opened, where was Good King Hal going?  Yes!  Back to Ipswich in Suffolk for the second of his two days at Christchurch Mansion.  Yesterday had been fun, but unbearably hot, with blazing sunshine all day, so I personally was a little relieved to wake up and find the morning overcast and cool. The drive up to Ipswich was easier this morning, and despite the odd spot of rain here and there, mostly fine.

The early part of the day found me wandering the halls and rooms of the Museum, chatting to people, posing for photographs and upsetting tiny children - the usual really.  After a brief break for a cup of tea I was due on at 1.30pm for my first show of the day.  I had worried a little that there didn't seem to be as many people around as yesterday, but I needn't have worried.  The first show was, if anything, busier than the previous day.  It was a fun show with a lovely audience, though there was an elderly couple to the back of the room who sat stony faced throughout with expressions that intimated that both of them had recently inserted large cacti into their underwear.  He was tall, pale, elderly and wearing tiny shorts that revealed two thin, knobbly kneed legs that tapered down to Argyle socks and sensible shoes, whereas she simply looked as if she had just been evicted from the Conservative Party Conference.  I left the room to applause and headed for the cafe for a bite to eat - only to find the sour faced couple on the table right next to me.  They had looked like nit-pickers, and I was right, they were.  As I sat down, her opening gambit was:

"Very good show, though some of your dates were inaccurate..."  My usual response to this is to try to shove a blancmange down the protagonists underpants, but I contained myself as they were elderly (and I didn't have a blancmange to hand) and kept it to a:

"Well, it depends on which book you read...."  At which point the thin elderly chap, in a quavering Brian Sewell-like voice, complete with tilted up head and half closed fluttering eye lids said:

"But you said the executioner for Anne Boleyn came from France - he didn't, he was Flemish..."  My usual response to this type of petty "I am cleverer and better read than wot you is (sic)" snottiness is to fell the protagonist with a vicious right hook and then throw them into a convenient water feature.  But they were elderly, and I was trying to eat a Tuna sandwich at the time.

The second show today wasn't quite as full as the first show, but what an audience!  They were magnificent, laughing and joining in enthusiastically.  When asking the audience if the marriage between Henry VIII and Katherine Howard is going to last, I usually get them all shouting "NO!" back at me.  One little boy in this show, louder than everyone else shouted "PROBABLY NOT!" which garnered him a big laugh from me and a round of applause from the audience.  In the end I nearly managed to kill myself by swallowing a tiny amount of spit down my windpipe just after playing the kornholt musical instrument.  As I gasped and coughed on stage trying to catch my breath, the audience continued laughing as they thought it was part of the show.  It isn't and I am very glad I don't have to do it every day.

The day finished with me posing for many photographs with two pneumatic east European ladies and their children, which was fine by me. And I got to meet my friend David Randall and his wife, who I have got to know via Facebook - so hello David!  I drove back down to Essex, collected my lovely son James and we headed then down into Kent to stay overnight at my sister Cathy's place ready for our return to Hever Castle for the weekend's jousting.  It is going to be a fantastic weekend I can tell.  Very excited!



Christchurch Mansion Day 1

Good King Hal showing selected photographers how to hold Katherine Howard up when she's had a tad too much of the old "Meado Collapso".

IPSWICH!  GATEWAY TO THE EAST!  My lingering memories of Ipswich, should anyone feel the urge to ask, were Mick Mills, Bobby Robson, Tolly Cobbold brewing and Trevor Whymark's sideburns.  So if you step outside of football and beer, not a lot has been going on there.  I THOUGHT.  How wrong I was, of course.  I had been booked to appear at Christchurch Mansion months ago, but of course, being the suave idiotic Tudor about town, I had never bothered to actually check out where the hell I was going to be performing.  So a couple of days ago, I looked up Christchurch Mansion on Google - wow.  You should do the same.  It is impressive, but if you think the on line effect is good, try checking out the actual place.  This is truly a gem of the British Isles, overlooked and underexposed, and packed to the rafters with treasures.  So get yourself down there and check it out.

I drove up from Basildon this morning in searing summer heat, listening to the classic Robin Bailey version of Peter Tinniswood's brilliant "Tales from a Long Room" and laughing like a drain at the cricket-world humour.  I arrived at the grounds of Christchurch Park and Mansion, and was amazed again by this wonderful red brick Tudor edifice.  I was greeted by Shelley from the Museum Service and made very welcome.  She toured me round the whole building, showing me the wonderful Constable paintings, the Gainsborough's and even some Matisse, Renoir and Picasso.  Astounding.

I did two shows today - Henry's Horrid History again, with a show at 1.30pm and another at 3pm.  The 1.30pm show was packed out - there just weren't enough seats for all the people who wanted to get in and enjoy the show, so many of the children ended up sitting on the floor, but I got a great response from the group.  When I chose a lovely lady from the audience to be my Anne Boleyn for a decapitation, she was saved from her fate when her 18 month old daughter toddled up on to the stage and cuddled her.  How could I lop her noggin off after that?  After the show I had a lovely lunch sitting in the court yard out the back of the building. Superb.

The second show was a disappointment - only about 10 people turned up, and one lady sat in the back row openly breast feeding a baby, something guaranteed to knock you off your stride when trying to remember what to say next in a show.

But all in all, an absolutely fabulous first day at Christchurch Mansion and I can't wait to get back tomorrow for the second day.  See you there?

Good King Hal & Son

Good King Hal produces his new improved "Mini-Me" to an astonished World.  Last time he threatened to produce is "Mini-Me" in public he was arrested and charged with intended gross indecency.

And so it was time to head back to Hever Castle first of all, for a joust on the Saturday.  However, this time there were a couple of differences - one, it wasn't raining and the sun was shining (hoorah!) and two, I had my son James with me, dressed as a sort of cross between a Herald and a cheap version of Prince Edward.  I had picked up a costume for James to use from "Dress the Part" - a fancy dress outlet that used to be in the Shereday's Centre in Billericay High Street when I was working there back in the 1980's, but has since moved to much bigger premises at Barleyland's Farm just outside Billericay.  We drove down to Hever from Essex on the Saturday morning and met up with Jeremy Richardson, head honcho of the Knights of Royal England as the jousting arena we normally use at Hever still hadn't recovered from the soaking and pounding it took last week, and a new, temporary arena had been set up the far side of the public car park, next to the lake.

Well, we paraded out for the show, and me feeling proud as punch as I had my son James with me in the show for the first time.  There was another notable difference - no Michelle Coda today.  She and her family were attending a big family event and so her place was taken by the admirable Emma Fuery from The Tudor Roses.  She looked after James wonderfully while I was in the middle of the arena doing my patter with the audience.  As we sat in the Royal Box doing the commentary, James knelt on the floor in front of me, but I had to keep shushing him as he was laughing at the antics of the Knights too much and occasionally forgetting he was very close to an open mic!  It was also nice to see Sir Stephen of Porlock back with the Knights again.  It was a lovely day, topped off in marvellous style by seeing Sir Owen of Leeds Castle again, along with his lovely Mummy, Shelley.

James and I immediately left the castle and then headed down to Somerset.  We had a fun night playing on the Wii console, but it was time for an early night as we had to be up bright and early for a trip to Sudeley Castle and the latest Tudor Fun day.  It was lovely to see Sudeley in the sunshine, we had waited so long to see it that way.  There were two Tudor Roses today - Lady Erica and Lady Rachel, plus the lovely Zarrina and Diane from Tudor Gowns.  James and I were spoilt for lovely ladies to look at!  It was devilishly hot today and the old castle was packed with punters which was lovely to see.  It was good to see the lovely Tudor ladies frolicking in the playground, and Rachel and Erica both had fun on the big slide in their Tudor frocks, and then Erica topped that by going on the zip wire in her full Queen's outfit.  Not a site you see every day!  We wandered and posed for photos for most of the day, but James' two  days in the limelight started catching up with him, and by about 3.30pm he was well and truly done in.  We slipped away from the throng, he got changed, I got changed and then we were on our way.  He slept in the car for a while, but amazingly, one take away curry and some Sponge Bob episodes on the TV and he was virtually bouncing off the walls again. 

A few days at leisure and then I am on at Christchurch Mansion in Ipswich next Thursday and Friday, before heading back to Hever Castle on the Saturday and Sunday, and then Leeds Castle on the Monday.  Come and say hello if you get a chance.  And now........... sleep....!

Muddy Norah!

The near legendary Sir Owen of Leeds Castle and the Broomfield Gate, trying to stay dry with his lovely Mum and a not so lovely Good King Hal.  At Hever this weekend.

You can tell when it is the English summertime.  The heavens open, the rain falls, mostly downwards, though sometimes at high speed sideways, and everyone moans about how miserable they are.  All together now - OH HAPPY DAY!  Well we knew there was going to be far too much rain around as we had a hosepipe ban on.  With various Biblical style floods smiting the country it seemed like a jolly splendid idea to hold a jousting tournament at Hever Castle.

I drove up to my sister Cathy's house near Sittingbourne on the Friday, and with rain hammering on the roof all night prepared myself to head back to Hever Castle for the first time this year.  I drove round to where the jousters had parked their submarine... I mean horse box and was greeted by the lovely Kim, Sir Jasper du Barry's wife.  She looked at my rather pathetic trainers I was wearing and asked me if I had any decent Wellington Boots.  By the time I had walked out to the arena to see Sir Jasper (Jeremy) I could see what she was talking about.  With each squelching step I sank a little further into the waterlogged swamp that was once a jousting tilt yard.  How on Earth they were going to do a show in these conditions was at this moment quite beyond me.  I drove back round to the Astor Wing of Hever Castle where my luxury dressing room (for luxury dressing room please read "disused abandoned kitchen") is situated.  I got changed and was then joined by Michelle Coda and her daughter Vix who were to be my Anne Boleyn and junior herald respectively.  As we sat in the castle waiting to be called the rain simply hammered on the roof, churning up the waters of the moat and frightening away any tourists we could startle with our traditional window game.  But cometh the hour and cometh the Sir William of Antioch, ready to bring us out to meet our beloved public!  We did the usual jokey set up with me addressing the crowds, then we had a special honour as I got to Knight Sam, Jeremy's son, in his new character and costume as Sir Sam of Hever.

We wandered over to the arena and did the show.  It was very very muddy in the arena, a couple of times as we walked in I worried I was going to lose a shoe.  But they have built a new Royal Box for us at Hever and Michelle and I squeezed in there with Kim operating the sound system.  Just to our right was seated Sir Owen of Leeds Castle who you can see above, with his lovely Mummy Shelley, getting very excited and laughing his head off at the antics of Sir William of Antioch and Mungo.

We finished the show and headed back to the Castle only to be accosted by a mad woman with a coach load of Italian teenagers who had only just arrived.  She demanded we put the jousting back on as they had arrived and missed it.  I left her with Jeremy to explain that we had finished the show, the horses were exhausted because of the soggy terrain etc., only to hear her utter the amazing words of "well, that's not good enough".  What can you do with obstinacy and stupidity of that level?

The following day it was much warmer, dryer and generally nice, however it wasn't enough to dry out the jousting yard and, if anything conditions actually seemed worse than the day before.  Some of the horses really just didn't want to take part at all and all of the Knights while fighting on foot kept falling over and sliding all over the place.  But we had a much bigger turn out than on the Saturday, which was fantastic, and the show seemed to go really well, even if I did occasionally keep referring to Sam in his old character name of Sam of Castille and not Sam of Hever.  Naughty Henry.  Sir Owen of Leeds Castle was there again in another fantastic costume and seemed to enjoy himself just as much as the previous visit.

Michelle and I got back to the Castle, got changed and I then began the long slog back to Somerset, but it was a fairly easy run back and by about 7pm I was in Crewkerne and opening a bottle of wine.  Schplendid...

Just a quick question - I have noticed on my Facebook page that far more people read my one or two line postings than these blogs.  Can anyone who reads this via the Facebook page please leave a message after they've read it saying "Done it".  That might get people asking what they're talking about and there is no such thing as bad publicity.  I think.  So let me know if you've actually read this!  Ta.  Back to Hever on Saturday, then I am off down to Sudeley Castle on Sunday.

Sutton Valence Primary School



Engelbert Humperdink and his mother celebrate not coming last in the recent Eurovision Song Contest.

Back to Kent today for a visit to Sutton Valence Primary School.  I managed to scare myself half to death the night before by looking up the school on the Internet only to discover there are two Sutton Valence Schools in the village.  ARGH!  Was I going to go to the right one? Well, yes I did.  Sutton Valence Primary School is a state school, whereas Sutton Valence School is a private school - and just to make things even more complicated they are both in the same road and within less than 400 yards of each other...  No wonder I was initially confused.  As it was it was nice to get to the correct school and a very warm welcome from all the staff.

It was a different sort of day today.  The school were celebrating a Horrible Histories Day and had all sorts of different events going on, with me just as one of them.  They had built a Viking long ship in their playground, there was a hunt the famous figure from history competition outside, plus a visit from a Falconer and his birds.  Things began with me greeting the entire school to a morning assembly.  I was only partially through this when the falconer arrived and rather stole any thunder I might have had by walking in with an American Bald Eagle on his arm.  Now that is a conversation stopper I can tell you.  He then wowed the children even more by first launching the bird across the school hall and it swooped low over their heads eliciting many excited whoops and squeals.  He did this several times, and then parted the children where they sat on the floor and had the Eagle trot across the hall again getting a great reaction from all present.  The falconer was a bit of a name dropper and mentioned once or twice during the day that the Eagle had appeared alongside Liam Neeson in the movie "Clash of the Titans".  Should I tell him I once had a beer with Rolf Harris?  No, I don't think it would have cut much ice to be brutally honest.

After the assembly I had an hour with year 5 doing the six wives talk, then I was with year 6 (a really mean and moody bunch of trainee teenagers) for a short while.  And so the day continued with me spending times with different groups.  The year four group that I did the stocks and punishment section with straight after lunch were absolutely brilliant and we had a big laugh.  The lunch was a magnificent Tudor banquet with tables set up in the main hall under superb flags and pennants.

My final section of the day was to be a jousting tournament with years 1 and 2.  I was a little worried as to how this would go as I had never done a tournament with such a very young group.  But I needn't have worried, they were absolutely brilliant!  In the main final a very good ladies team JUST pipped the Gents in a race off finale.  This makes what could be the final score for the school year to be:

GENTLEMEN 19 - 30 LADIES

A convincing win for the lasses!

Watching all of this was the Mayor of Maidstone and he very charmingly agreed to take part in a final joust between children and teachers, but obviously he was weighed down with his ceremonial chain of office and came a poor second to the ladies teacher's team. 

It was a really different sort of day and great fun all round!  A lovely school worth visiting and I was tired but very happy with the day.  A long drive home was not quite what the doctor ordered but I am sure I should thank him in the long run.

Lee Chapel Primary School

Another arduous day on the Atkins Diet.

Some years ago I did some shows at Downham School near Billericay.  One of the classroom assistants that saw my shows there was a lady called Hayley McKechnie - she is now a fully qualified teacher and works at Lee Chapel School in Basildon.  When the Tudor topic reared it's head for her Key Stage 2 pupils, she remembered my appearances at Downham and recommended me to her new school - and here I was!

I drove over from Amanda's house in Steeple View, so the journey was only about 10 minutes.  Parking was somewhat limited, but they let me have a space, which was very nice.  I was indeed treated like Royalty all day - utterly spoilt rotten, which was very pleasant and something which I will be insisting on at every school I visit from now on.

If every school I visited was as nice as Lee Chapel then I would be a very happy King indeed.  The group was a year 5 collection of classes, just under 70 children, and all in fantastic costumes.  They were bright, bubbly and fun to work with.  The adults who sat in with us were equally fun and also laughed like drains throughout the day which is something that always makes my life easier.  I was then even more spoilt during the lunch break when a very nice assistant called Mandy, nipped over to a local shop and bought me a nice chicken salad sandwich for my lunch.  Very yummy, mind you so was the sandwich.

The afternoon session was even more fun than the morning, if at all possible.  I was in "the zone" as they say and gags galore kept suggesting themselves to me.  Things culminated in a ripping jousting tournament, which was loud, mad and wild, but resulted in yet another victory for the ladies.  It was close, but they came through for a probably just about deserved victory.  This now brings the score up to:

GENTLEMEN 19 - 29 LADIES

It is getting too easy for them now and there is just not enough time left in the school calendar year for the Gentlemen to pull it back.

I am driving down to Folkestone on Sunday for an evening with Michelle Coda and her family, and then I am off to Sutton Valence School near Leeds Castle on the Monday for my first visit to that school.  And young Ms. Coda is coming with me to observe one of my Tudor Days for the first time.  I hope she likes it.

Maltman's Green School, Gerrards Cross

The Amazing Anuscheh Missaghian and her Life Like Full Size Ventriloquist Doll, King Happy Hal.  Why is he so happy?  Well you should see where her hand goes! "A smile. a song and a schism".  Available for cabaret, masonics and religious persecution.

I hope you like this picture - it was from Ingatestone Hall the other week when I met up with my old school friend Anuscheh - as you can see she has weathered far better than I have over the years - but then she did have a head start.

Now even I looked worse than I do in this picture on Tuesday morning as I had to be up by 4am for a drive up to Gerrard's Cross and a re-arranged show at Maltman's Green School.  I had often been told by Ian Weston from Portals to the Past about what a fine school this was, and he wasn't wrong.  I arrived early, and after the late night of the previous evening and the Rotary show, that by the time I got to the school I was exhausted.  So I parked up, set my alarm on my phone and had 40 winks, which was desperately needed and very welcome.  The weather was appalling so after I had been greeted by Steve Thomas, the teacher who had booked me, I was soon slipping and slithering through the rain loading my props into the hall.

It was a large group for a private school - over 60 children, and all girls - well it would be, Maltman's in an all girls school (well done, Sherlock, that was brilliant!).  Whatever you say about single sex schools I can tell you this - by God they were a loud group today!  They had virtually all dressed up in brilliant costumes - one little girl was even sporting a fake ginger beard and had a pillow stuffed up her costume to turn her into a mini Henry VIII!  Fantastic.  The morning, as with most private schools, is a lot longer than it is at a state school, but we had loads of laughs and I even managed to get the start of the stocks section done before we broke for a well earned lunch.  This turned out to be a delicious chicken korma, which was most welcome.  The final jousting tournament in the afternoon was indescribably loud in the echoey hall that we were in, but everyone seemed to have a good time.  There was even time for the King to have a go at the jousting taking part in a final race against a team that Mr Thomas had picked.  Normally I am away from schools by about 3.30pm at the latest, but in the end it was much nearer 4pm before I managed to slip away.  This put a bit of a spanner in the works for my evening plans.  I had been asked by some friends I am in a pub quiz team with to join them at the King Arthur Pub at Burrowbrigde in Somerset that evening.  If I had got away at a normal time I might just have made it, but the 4pm start was going to make it tricky - the appalling traffic round Stonehenge finished any chance I had of making it in time.  I had to text them my apologies - the text I got back made me realise they weren't very happy.  Oops.

No jousting score today as I can't really include a result from an all girls school, now can I?  I am now in Essex having just driven up for a show tomorrow at Lee Chapel School in sunny Basildon.  Sounds like it is going to be a good fun day tomorrow.  I can't wait.