That Was One Hell of a Week That Was Part Three

My son James, with the new Conservative Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for some posh place in the south east.4

Disneyland! Paris! What, little old me? Who'd have thought it. After our previous day with the family in Kent, on the Monday morning my brother-in-law Julian drove Amanda, James and I down to Ashford and the international train station there. We were to spend three nights and four days at the resort in Paris and James, being six years old, was rather excited. Almost as excited as Amanda and I really.

Our opening experiences of Eurostar were not the most favourable. For a start you had to get about 600 passengers down to the platform and the train via one rather small lift. We are then all waiting to board our train when an officious French lady clutching a clipboard informs us that all the baggage racks on these coaches were full already and we would have to put all our suitcases in the baggage coach. She sprints off down the platform with us tottering after her, some of us pulling cases the size of steamer trunks. Our cases are literally flung into a storage area and we walk back up the platform to our coach. Imagine our slight sense of humour failure when we get into our coach and find all of the baggage racks completely empty. We hammer through the tunnel and then down over the bland flat lands of north France. Just outside the station for Disneyland we are held up for about ten minutes because of a "security alert". Eventually we are in the station and begin trying to find which coach has our suitcases in it. Myself and some other chaps find our coach and have to virtually break into it to get to the cases. We then have to queue up for the Disneyland Express service which involves them taking our cases off us, we go straight to the fun park and our cases are then taken onto our hotel so we will find our stuff when we get there.

The park and everything in it are just as you would expect. Fun, fun, fun and capitalism run wild. There are hundreds of little shops, but it soon dawns on you that they all sell exactly the same stuff as each other. Some of the rides are particularly brilliant - Pirates of the Caribbean was great fun, the Star Wars "Star Tours" was mind blowing, and we had great delight in doing the Buzz Lightyear Lazer Blast game every single day!

Late afternoon on the first day we book into the hotel. The charming lady on the reception asks if we will be using the minibar - I have been warned off minibars for years past, and I was right to follow my instincts. In the minibar a tiny tube of Pringles crisps were 5 Euros. 5 EUROS? That's about £4.50. For a couple of the nights we ate in the Inventions Restaurant in the Hotel and their evening buffet was amazing. Langoustines, huge pacific prawns, medallions of beef in a sour cream sauce, beef bourguinon, scallop terrine, all wonderful high quality food, but as they had to cater for children there was even fun stuff like spaghetti and meat balls and even breaded chicken shapes and funny faces potato wedges. We did get stung on the first night. We were on a half-board option, so all our evening meals were paid for, however our drinks were extra. On this first night I ordered Amanda two glasses of house white wine and me two glasses of house red wine. These four glasses of wine cost me 36 Euros. On our second night we went to see the Buffalo Bill Wild West Show in the Disney Village - great fun, very touristy and very silly. But we all enjoyed it, even James who was delighted to receive a free stetson hat during the show which he could keep.

We had a fabulous, exhausting time and really only became completely saccharined out on the final afternoon. For me the funniest thing to see for the whole week was a family group we would see occasionally with lots of young children, a mum and dad, and a sallow faced miserable teenager, defiantly wearing a series of Slipknot t-shirts and desperately trying to remain looking cool while all the other members of his family are wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

James had his photo taken with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Pluto, Goofy, Tigger, Ee-Aw, Balloo and a host of other Disney characters. He had all sorts of stuff bought for him and went on all the rides he could ever possibly want. He is a very lucky boy!

We got the train back to Ashford and Julian picked us up again. We were all exhausted, but it was a magical experience. But my week wasn't over yet....

That Was One Hell of a Week That Was Part Two

James, on one of Julian's many motorbikes, keeping the rest of the family royally entertained.

So I arose in Temple Sowerby in the wee small hours of a Sunday morning. My head was thumping a little from the Stuart Maconie Fan Club outing from the previous night, but a couple of paracetamol soon put that matter to rest. I didn't disturb Andy and Kate as I left and was soon roaring down the M6 towards Essex and a rendezvous with Amanda and James. At first the traffic was minimal, but slowly, inexorably it built up the further south I got and the later the day became. I was tuned permanently to Radio 5 to hear any traffic news. When it did come it wasn't good. The main junction between the M1 and the M25 (which I was intending to use) was completely closed due to a multi-vehicle pile up. Honestly, some people are so insensitive. Didn't they know I was going to use that junction? Didn't they think about my important journey before they began smashing each other's cars into their neighbours? Swines! Therefore I had to make a quick detour across towards Bedford and over to the A14 and the M11. I got within a few miles of Basildon and Amanda's house when we ground to a complete halt on the A127. There was some motorbike rally going on and we all had to stop for them. I am not the world's biggest fan of motorbikes at the best of times, but at this very moment, after having driven for five hours from Penrith I personally would not have wasted my urine on any passing motorcyclist who happened to find himself ablaze at that time.

I eventually picked up Amanda and James, and we drove down to Kent and a stop at Cathy and Julian's house in Stockbury. My parents were there as well, on their way back from a holiday in Germany, so we all ended up together having a very nice family dinner. James had great fun playing around in Cath and Julian's garden as it is a little...ahem... stuffed with all the lovely lumps of rusting machinery that Julian is so fond of purchasing and that Cathy is so keen for him to get rid of. James took great delight in wearing one of Julian's crash helmets and sitting astride a mighty motorbike, much to the amusement of the rest of us - as you can see from the picture above. He even reckoned he was going to ride to Disneyland in Paris by himself. But that is another story.

That Was One Hell of a Week That Was Part One

So this was the beginning of a week that would test my powers of endurance, the suspension of my new car and the limits of my bank balance. It all began so innocently! I have a very dear old friend called Andy Blundell who I know from way back when we were pub buddies back in deepest darkest Essex and The Hoop Pub in Stock near Billericay. I had not seen Andy since 1997 but somehow we had just about managed to stay in touch despite him travelling widely to places like Australia, New Zealand, Tonga and many other far flung destinations. He was now back in blighty, living near Penrith in Cumbria (his home town), married to a lovely lady called Kate and with two lovely children called Daisy and Dylan. He was also running a very well respected antique furniture restoration company called Phoenix Antiques. During one of our long distance telephone calls some time ago Andy mentioned that he would be opening a new Antiques showroom near his home in Temple Sowerby just outside Penrith. I offered to come up to Cumbria and open the showroom in my full Henry gear and so the date was set for 12th September. I drove up on the 11th, the Friday, which was an incredibly stupid idea. The M6, the main road up to the Lake District and Scotland is, as any tourist route is on a Friday (see the A303 down here for proof of that) packed solid, added to which some complete tit somewhere in the country had decided it would be a quite fabulous notion to dig most of it up at regular intervals along it's length. A journey from Somerset to Penrith should (according to my sat nav) be about 5-6 hours. It took me nearer 9 hours. I arrived knackered and aching, but Andy and Kate made me very welcome and we ended up sitting in their lovely house in Temple Sowerby eating a late night takeaway curry and drinking champagne! Wonderful.

On the Saturday morning I nipped up the road to the local Centre Parcs just outside Penrith, to visit my old friend John Summers who recently finished working as Estate Manager at Leeds Castle in Kent and was now working as Technical Operations Manager at the big tourist resort. He welcomed me kindly and gave me a guided tour of the site in one of their groovy electric vans. It's a wonderful place and I think John is enjoying working there. It was nice to see him looking so happy.

Back at the new showroom things were gearing up for the launch party. I got changed into my Henry garb, drinks were prepared for the coming guests and a ribbon was placed over the door for me to cut with a pair of scissors. Soon the guests were all there, I did a quick hello to them all, cut the ribbon and the new showroom for Phoenix Furniture Restorations was open! Many people came and all in all it seemed like a big success.

That evening, after all had quietened down, Andy, Kate and I hit the mean streets of Penrith to celebrate. We had a few drinks at a couple of very trendy bars (not my usual stamping ground, but very nice and entertaining) and then headed for a local Mexican restaurant. It was full. So we wandered round to a local Italian restaurant. This was also very busy but the manager assured us a table would be free soon. And it was and we found ourselves next to Radio 2 and 6 DJ Stuart Maconie. We were actually pretty well oiled by this time and were probably quite a pain in the bottom, but Stuart was very kind and chatty and we had a nice time with him. The meal was lovely and we drank far too much more champagne and were soon in a taxi heading back to Temple Sowerby.

A late night is probably best not followed up by an early morning and a long drive. But guess what happened next...?

Manor Court Junior, Chard

Good King Hal, proving once and for all that he needs the dough. (Geddit?)

My annual visit to Manor Court Junior School in Chard is becoming almost as much of a regular thing as the return of the Swallows every summer. With the slight difference that I don't perch on telephone wires or make small houses out of mud, crap and spit and then stick them in the eaves of people's houses only showing myself to come out and hunt for small airborne insects or to have a poo. And mores the pity I say. How exciting life would be!

I love Manor Court as it is such a friendly school. The teachers are just lovely, always friendly, chatty and great fun. We had the added pleasure of a couple of student teachers today who were all of the above and with the added bonus of both being very easy on the eye. Always a plus point with naughty old Henry. The children were all brilliant today as well - terrific fun, easy to handle and very willing to laugh and have a joke. The morning went swimmingly and soon I was heading into town to grab a sandwich. In previous years I had gone to either Somerfield or Bilby's Sandwich bar, but now in 2009 they are both gone. Bilby's went some time ago and is now a Lloyd's Pharmacy. Somerfield has gone and is being replaced by a Sainsburys, but that won't open until October. Therefore I had to trundle into the middle of town until I found a bakers. I bought a "steak Cornish pasty". For "steak" read "tons of chopped potato and about three bits of apparently carbonised meat gristle in a dull brown sludge". Yummy!

After my gastric blow out at lunch it was back for an afternoon of fun, frolics and jousting. A wonderful time was had by all and a brilliantly mad, eccentric ladies team waltzed off with the title and the certificates. Wonderful stuff. This makes our score for this year:

GENTLEMEN 0 - 2 LADIES

Exciting or what? (What?)

Tomorrow (Friday) I am off to Penrith and my old mate Andy Blundell's place to help him celebrate the opening of his new antique furniture showroom. And then onto Disneyland. Good 'ere, innit?

Shillingstone Primary, Dorset

Henry VIII, shortly after resigning as President of the Vegan Society.

Ah, the sweet knowledge that the school year has begun again! Good King Hal was back on the road again today for the first show back on the circuit after the summer hiatus. It was a half day today at a little village called Shillingstone near Blandford Forum in deepest, not very darkest, Dorset. I made a joke on my Facebook page today that Shillingstone hadn't gone to the decimal system yet, but no one seemed to get it. (SHILLING-stone? 5p-stone? Geddit? No, most others didn't either).

Shillingstone Primary School is a delightful, tiny, early Victorian school building with various other bits bolted onto it, like some sort of random built meccano educational establishment. Added to this is the fact that the place has no parking whatsoever, so I had to park on the busy main street to unload my Henry gear and then park about 500 yards along this same road in the tiny car park of a Church Hall. This lack of car parking has now induced the good people of Dorset County Council and Shillingstone to re-locate the school to new premises on the edge of the village. A new build is taking place and they are promised to be in at about this time next year. Fingers, eyes and legs crossed that is.

Today was just a half day, but terrific fun all the same. The group was about 25 children from years 5 and 6, and they had only just started studying the Tudors, but there was still plenty of good Tudor general knowledge on display. Lots of giggles and laughs, lots of nice compliments from the lovely teaching staff and a jousting tournament that started quietly but soon built up to a fine crescendo ending with a well deserved victory for the ladies team. Perhaps I should try and keep score again? OK...

GENTLEMEN 0 -1 LADIES

Watch this space for more! Thursday I am at Manor Court School in Chard, from thence to Penrith in Cumbria to open a new showroom for my friend Andy Blundell's antique furniture restoration business, and then off to Disneyland in Paris with Amanda and James.... Phew. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Dillington House Open Day

Good King Hal, in his luxury dressing room today, with what appears to be a box of matches exploding in his hands.

Dillington House is a delightful place. I have been wondering on how to best describe this gorgeous Elizabethan house, but thought it best to leave it to themselves. This is how Dillington House describes itself on it's own website:

"Dillington House is Somerset County Council’s residential centre for professional development, adult education and the arts. Founded in 1949, it has been offering lifelong learning opportunities for over fifty years. The arts play an important role in creating the unique ambience which is Dillington. Although Dillington House is wholly part of Somerset County Council it operates without public subsidy and is responsible for meeting all of its costs.The Main House dates back to the 16th century and is one of the most beautiful houses in Somerset and features in Simon Jenkins’ book England’s 1000 Best Houses.
The accommodation is in a range of bedrooms, most of which are en-suite, that are located in the House, the Mews or the Hyde. Dillington House is neither an hotel, college nor simple conference centre. It is uniquely something special at which everything and anything is possible. Standards of service and accommodation are very high and Dillington remains the only establishment to have been awarded 5-stars by the English Tourism Council under their “Campus” quality assessment scheme."

I really honestly could not have put that better myself! Well, today was their open day and for a second year running I was invited along to wander the house and grounds and chat to people. This year seemed a lot busier than last year, but the weather was pretty much the same, overcast and blowy, but not entirely cold. Three lovely old cars sat sentinel on the front gravel driveway. A massive 1936 Rolls Royce, an equally gargantuan 1929 Lanchester and a very cute 1935 Rover.

As you can sort of see from my picture above, my dressing room was a luxurious affair. It was one of the lovely en-suite rooms you can have at Dillington House and was sumptuously furnished and very comfortable. I bumped into lots of friends from Barrington Court, a lady I had done a BBC Somerset show with and even one of the couples from the Chard Historical Group meeting I spoke to. I had a lovely packed lunch, more wandering, but by 4pm my back was aching and I felt it was time to go. It was a fabulous day and Dillington House is definitely worth a visit.

Next Henry show is on Tuesday at Shillingstone in Dorset.

Rural Life Museum, Glastonbury (with added Chickens!)

One of my favourite places on Earth is Glastonbury Tor. It is such a spell-binding symbol of the west country and is visible for miles around. Even to this day, all those years since I first laid eyes on it (March 1988 to be precise) I still get a weird feeling of the hairs on the back of my neck standing up when I see it. To drive to Glastonbury from my home in Crewkerne involves driving up past Compton Dundon and Somerton. Your view of the Tor is obscured until you reach the crossroads where the road splits off to either Keinton Mandeville or Ashcott, or straight on to Street and Glastonbury - suddenly it looms up at you from the landscape, and it still takes my breath away.

Once a year I am privileged enough to do some stand up Henry shows at the delightful Rural Life Museum in Glastonbury. It is right at the foot of the Tor (as the picture above shows you) and is a charming little museum with a fine Tithe Barn and a recreation of a Victorian Farmhouse. I do my shows in the Tithe Barn with it's dirt floor and moody secluded lighting which gives the impression of candle light. I was working on the Saturday and the Bank Holiday Monday (rather parochially the museum shuts on Sundays), doing three shows each day. Each day the shows followed the same routine - early show would be sparsely attended, but the group were enthusiastic and laughed a lot; the middle show would be much busier, but quiet and getting laughs from the audience were like pulling teeth; the final show would be packed and the audience were hugely responsive.

It was a fabulous weekend and great fun to work with the lovely staff at this wonderful museum. Next weekend I am at Dillington House near Ilminster for their open day on Sunday, then it is back in the schools again for the new term! Here we go!

BBC Somerset

BBC Somerset's Emma Britton enjoying the hors d'ouerve before the main course of pinot grigot turns up.

And so, for the first time in what felt like a longtime, I was back in good old Taunton and on BBC Somerset with the lovely Emma Britton on her morning show. I was on with a chap I had appeared on the show before with, possibly back when Jo Phillips was doing the show. His name was Jamie and he was a fund raiser with Secret World which is a wildlife sanctuary in mid Somerset. He was great company and the show seemed to go pretty well. Our main talking point was the fact that the Little Chef which has been tarted up by Heston Blumenthal on the A303 is now going to be in the next Good Food Guide. It was lovely to work with the delightful Emma again. She is such a bubbly character and brings such a sense of fun to the whole show. The hour seemed to go past very quickly. If you wish to hear it again, go to the www.bbc.co.uk/somerset page and click on the "listen again" section. Choose Emma Britton's "Have Your Say" show and choose Friday. I am on for the first hour, but the whole show is definitely worth a listen. I was on to plug the two shows I am doing this weekend in Glastonbury at the Rural Life Museum. Come and join me! I stopped briefly on the way home to see Matthew Applegate at Barrington Court and discuss future projects including the already near legendary Chutfest '09 - watch this space for more! So, Rural Life Museum in Glastonbury tomorrow and on Bank Holiday Monday.

Two Days at Barrington Court, a Holiday at Chavoncy sur la Mare, a new car and a visit to Wales!

There is no finer place to be on a hot summer's afternoon than at Barrington Court near Ilminster. I was really looking forward to my two days wandering round the old pile again - it was just a shame my old mate Matthew Applegate wasn't around as he was off enjoying a well deserved holiday in France. I was left in the very capable hands of his new "apprentice" Kate Churchill who did a wonderful job. I was there for the Saturday and the Sunday, however on the Sunday I also had another pressing engagement - my own holiday! Many years back I would regularly go camping with some friends from Essex and we would venture off into the wild West Country and have a good time. We had all decided we should do this again and, even though I now live in the West Country myself, it was to be the way out west we'd head again. So on my first day of holiday I was also to be doing a 4-hour stint at Barrington Court. We were to be camped at Freshwater Holiday Park in Burton Bradstock in Dorset. Therefore on the Sunday I dropped my wife, son and about three tons of camping equipment at Burton Bradstock and then skedaddled back to Barrington. The walkabout at Barrington went well on the Sunday, particularly with three lovely, but insane ladies from the West Midlands who had come down especially to see me. One of the ladies in particular kept hugging me and telling me what a "darling man" I was. Should have gone to Spec Savers, bless her.

Now back to the Holiday Park... When I had first arrived in the morning my impression had been "Oh My God..." It was a heaving mass of humanity perched on a beach. Caravans were EVERYWHERE. The actual area for tents was not bad, but you were crammed in tight, in a sort of cheek-by-jowl arrangement. Added to which the rest of the people camped on the site seemed to only have football shirts, tattoos, cigarettes and swearing to keep them entertained. We therefore quickly christened the site Chav-on-Sea, but if you say that quick enough it sounds like an exotic French seaside town - Chavoncy! We were soon all singing along to the tune of "La Mer" with our made up words of - "Chavoncy, sur-la-Mer, La merde de chien sur la plage" etc etc. Now on the plus side there was a great swimming pool which my six year old son thought was the best thing since sliced bread, and the toilet and showering facilities were excellent and kept almost pathologically clean by an army of Lady MacBeths, scrubbing away at any "damn spot" they came across. It could be quite noisy at night as well, when the chavs got a bit too much "Yob gas" or "tart fuel" inside them, and it was quite pricey as well, so I don't think we'll bother with that campsite again. It was nice to see all my friends despite that and we had some lovely days out at places like Maiden Castle, Bovington Camp and a brilliant curry house in Bridport on the last night! (The Taj Mahal if you were wondering).

On heading for home briefly, I stopped to say a fond farewell to my old Peugeot 406 which I had part exchanged for a Mazda 323, which despite being five years old only had 12,000 genuine miles on the clock. Lovely!

Barely pausing to wipe the grin off my face, Amanda, James and I were then leaping into the said Mazda and roaring off to Welsh Wales and a visit to my parents at their new home in Newcastle Emlyn. We have just got back from that, Amanda and James have vanished off back to Essex and I am sitting here gasping for breath while the dust settles around me. I need a holiday after all that. But not in Burton Bradstock. Hell, no!

More Rochester Castle Pics!

Henry VIIIth showing Anne of Cleves an old trick he learnt in the Army. The ancient monument in the background is Hans Holbein. Behind him is Rochester Castle.

Henry meets Anne of Cleves in Rochester!

Hans Holbein shows Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves his etchings. Some day his prints will come.

I am ashamed to admit something. I had never been to Rochester in Kent before. There, I've said it and I feel better for getting it off my chest. After doing various bits of work for Visit Kent at the ExCel Arena in London and down at the Dover Cruise Terminal (see various blog entries in the past about all that) my name had got to the good people at Rochester Cathedral and Rochester Castle. Now Rochester looms large in the history of Henry VIII as it was at this Kent city that our rotund Tudor hero first met Anne of Cleves, his fourth wife. The Cathedral people had decided to cash in on the 500th anniversary of Henry's accession to the throne in 1509 by staging a "re-enactment" of this first meeting, which originally didn't go very well - luckily our interpretation of it seemed far more successful.

I had driven down to Kent on the Monday afternoon and stayed with my sister and her husband at their lovely house near Sittingbourne. We had a lovely evening eating curry and then Cathy (my sister) and I spent the rest of the night jamming together on guitars and mandolin. Fun fun fun, but probably not if you were a true music lover. The following morning I drove up to Rochester, as I have said before, my first visit to this lovely city, and it truly is lovely to look at. The castle and Cathedral, sitting cheek by jowl, are amazing to see. I was lucky enough to be able to park right next to the Cathedral's back door! I was then introduced to the actor playing Holbein for the re-enactment - a really nice man who I think was called Andrew, but if I have the name wrong I apologise profusely. Then entered the actress playing Anne of Cleves, a delightful little lady called Kiri Bloom - a name you don't forget in a hurry. She had made her own costume, which was brilliant, and additionally she was only 4 feet 11 inches tall, so she looked very sweet and vulnerable next big nasty old Henry. The plan for the day was simple, we would ponce around the Cathedral for a while to begin with, having promotional photos taken and also speaking to any press that turned up (the only press that turned up was BBC Radio Kent) before making our way round to the war memorial outside the Cathedral where we would do our two interpretations of Henry's meeting with Anne, one at 11am and one at 12 noon. We would be preceded by Rochester's town crier who would announce us and on we'd go. A script had been drawn up the day before the show, but we were only to use it as a vague outline of what to do, improvisation was the name of the game today. The two morning presentations went very well, lots of laughs and impromptu asides and the audience seemed to enjoy it. The second one was probably the best of the two.

We were treated to a sumptuous lunch at a pub near the Castle called the something or other Vaults - didn't quite catch the name, but it was very very good. It was fun walking down the pub with all three of us still in costume. After lunch we were up at the Castle wandering about meeting people and we were requested to do the interpretation again - and so we did for a third time! More fun! Then it was back to the Cathedral another little wander about and then that was about it. A really fun day.

I drove back up to Essex, met up with Amanda and James and we then drove up to Maldon for an evening meal with Kevin and Ann Rowley and their lovely mostly grown-up children, Rachel, Charlotte and Michael. It was a perfect end to a very lovely day. Tired today, but happy.

Southchurch Hall Tudor Day 2009

Henry VIIIth, accidentally sitting down too fast and nearly dissolving his Monasteries.

Last year I had the pleasure of appearing at the Southchurch Hall Tudor Day, and it was such good fun that I was delighted to receive a follow up invitation for this year's event. The weather was a lot better than last year and I was pleased to find a parking spot right by the main entrance to the park. As I said before, Southchurch Hall is this delightful old Tudor building nestling amongst some fairly anonymous 1920's and 30's developments. Like last year they had set up a mini-Tudor village with an apothecarist, various other vendors, a wise woman and a working medieval/Tudor wood lathe. I was very happy to see the same Jester that had appeared last year. I asked him where he was based and he said "Hadleigh, for this time of year..." it turned out that he lives the rest of the time in Western Australia! He was as good as ever, as was the wonderful Tudor musician with all his collection of fantastic instruments. There was however, a complete lack of any sweating screaming lunatic telling stories of the Marie Rose sinking in Portsmouth Harbour - thank God.

I did my first talk in the main hall during the morning session, and it was packed out. There were some good laughs to be had and a nice receptive crowd. I wandered the grounds and kissed young ladies hands, shook hands with gents, and had my photo taken with many bemused but friendly children. The warmer weather this year seemed, to my eyes at least, to have brought out more crowds than last years. Many people came up to see me who had been at the show last year, and I had many photos again taken by the lovely people who publish them on www.flickr.com which is where I got the wonderful picture above, taken this very day!

We had the parade of children in fancy dress and chose the best costumes for boy and girl, and then it was my second talk of the day. This take place outside under one of the trees and I had another big and lovely crowd watching. Laughs a plenty and then it was over. I had been so busy I had managed to miss lunch so I was delighted to find a wonderful hot meal waiting for me on my return to Amanda's house in Basildon. And yes, it WAS sunny Basildon.

Off to Rochester in Kent for a photo shoot at the castle. See you there!

Broadford Primary School, Harold Hill

It's not often that I get bookings in schools this late in the academic year.  I had been contacted by a lovely lady called Alex Rutherford who had invited me to Broadford Primary School in Harold Hill near Romford.  This was a completely new school for me, and they had heard of me through one of their teachers who had previously seen me at Nelson Primary in East Ham. Apparently Broadford was previously an aircraft hanger, probably from the Second World War, which then became a school in the post war years.  The outside of the school doesn't really inspire confidence as there is a mass of corrugated iron on display, but once inside you are presented with a wonderfully friendly school, welcoming and bright, with some terrific children and some of the nicest teachers I've met inside the M25!

The school were having a mega History week with various visits from Spartans, and other historical figures.  On the day I was there some of the smaller children were having a Victorian day and several of their teachers were swanning around in long skirts and flowery high collared blouses.  I kept half expecting to see Sue English leaping out of a cupboard dressed as a Viking at any moment, but thankfully that horrific moment never happened.

We had a fine day with some fun and laughter mixed in with all the learning.  After my opening talk the children wanted to quiz me with various questions they had written and it turned into something of a press conference with the King!  I was bombarded with questions but it was fun. After a lovely lunch of lasagne we were in the main hall again where first the children gave a demonstration of their singing prowess, followed by a Tudor dance they had been learning.  We then went for a full on jousting session which was hilarious, particularly one of the ladies teams which was so laid back that a team of three-toed sloths with no enthusiasm would have lapped.  The final was won by a very talented ladies team who came storming back on the last leg to pip the gents in an exciting finale.  After a quick teacher's race it was time to close the 2008/09 academic year - it has been a good and very busy one including my 500th visit to a school, so good things all round.  At the end of the day I was informed by some of the children and teachers that despite everything else that had been going on, and all the other visits they had experienced during their History week, my show and presentation had been the best, most informative and entertaining.  I was most flattered, it was very nice of them to say so!

I have a quick holiday in Wales next week but I will soon be back in Henry work donning my tights for the Southchurch Hall Tudor Weekend at the beginning of August.

Leaning towards Shaftesbury

Now all you lovely people out there in cyberland will no doubt recall my appearance at the Abbotsbury Midsummer Medieval Merriement event that I wrote about last month. Well, whilst at this event I was approached by a lovely American lady and her English husband who were sumptuously attired as King Henry VIIth and his wife Elizabeth of York. They informed me that they were opening an antiques shop in Shaftesbury, Dorset and wondered if I would be available to do a grand opening of the shop as and when it happened. Well blow me down, at the beginning of the week there is a message on my answer phone from the lovely American lady (Becky) asking me if I could come along this Saturday and do the red carpet, ribbon cutting and hand shaking duties as and when needed. I said I would be delighted.

Saturday evening was a filthy night, gloomy and lots of rain across the west country. I arrived at the shop at about quarter past seven having promised Becky I would be there between 6.30 and 7.00. It was packed out with guests, all drinking wine and beer, and nibbling on canapes. The shop is called Leaning's, or just Leaning Antiques, I was never quite sure of this! Anyway it is at number 5 the High Street in Shaftesbury (which is a delightful little town) and the shop is wonderful. I quickly got changed into my gear and then came into the main part of the shop. They had laid out some red carpet and stretched a ribbon across the top of a small set of stairs that led up to the back showrooms. I boomed out how pleased I was to be back in Shaftesbury and apologised for smashing up their Abbey during the Reformation. I also told people I hoped that my appearance might in some small way make up for the awful way I behaved last time - this raised a titter or two! I cut the ribbon - just! The scissors weren't very keen on going through them, and we got a big round of applause.

I wandered round and chatted to lots of lovely people, including a lovely older lady who was originally from Bearsted in Kent and from her bedroom window as a child, she could see Leeds Castle - funny old world, innit? I even chatted to the Mayor of Shaftesbury whom I am led to believe was a bit miffed that I got asked to open the shop and not him. This was proved when he got me in a back room and tried to give me a Chinese burn. I replied by giving him a wedgie and finally finished him off by pointing out that my chain of office was far bigger than his. He left a crushed and defeated man. I left with a small table/jardinaire which looks good in my hallway and with some travel expenses from the lovely people at the shop. Go and visit them if you're in Shaftesbury - it is worth a visit!

Martham Primary, Norfolk

It was another up at the crack of dawn start for Henry show number 501.  This was a return visit to Martham Primary School in Norfolk - I have been visiting this school for a while, in fact so long that when I first used to visit it had a different name!  It used to be West Flegg Junior, but due to an amalgamation or two and some re-organisation it has morphed into Martham.  It is a lovely school, large, airy and with some really lovely friendly welcoming teachers.  The children are pretty wonderful and special as well.  The journey up was relatively painless, apart from having to listen to Sarah Kennedy again.  To hear her twittering on about going to the Henley Regatta this weekend was enough to make you want to chew your own foot off.  Well it certainly makes Alex Lester's Best Time of the Day Show before it sound absolutely wonderful, which it usually is anyway.  Even Johnny Walker, sitting in for Terry Wogan, was an improvement.

We had a great morning - so many laughs.  One of the teachers during the morning break thanked me for making the Friday so wonderful and said she couldn't remember laughing until she cried at school before.  Bless her!  It was almost unbearably hot again, but thankfully a slight improvement on the heat at Wandsworth the other day.

The afternoon was loud, wild and fun.  The joust in particular was so loud I was waiting for the roof of the hall to blow off.  It was a very closely fought joust with four fantastic teams battling away.  Eventually, it was a gents team that surged to a close, but deserved victory!  Some of the lovely kids helped me load my stuff into the car and I was on my way.  The journey back was mostly good until I hit the A130 where I was stuck for about 45 minutes in slow moving traffic because of a crash.  But I was soon at Amanda's place in Basildon and cuddling James, until he decided that playing Lego Indiana Jones on the Wii was more fun than me.  Fair enough!

Back to Somerset this weekend.

The Finton House 500!

I have a little document that I keep on my computer which I update occasionally.  It contains the date and number of every single Henry VIIIth appearance I have made since I went professional in 2004.  I realised the other day that I hadn't updated it for a while, so I clicked it open.  Every 50 shows I get to I highlight the number - the previous highlight in my list was 450.  I counted up to find that the previous show I had done was my 499th, so my next show, a return visit to Finton House School in Wandsworth, was to be my 500th.  You then add that to the fact that it has just been Henry's 500th wedding anniversary (to Catherine of Aragon) and the 500th anniversary of his ascension to the throne, then it seemed quite appropriate for me to reach my 500th show milestone at about the same time.

This was my 5th visit to Finton House School, and each time I visit this place it is not just hot weather but HOT WEATHER I endure.   This year was no different.  I drove up from Amanda's place in Basildon and my sat nav had assured me that going up the A127 and joining the M25 that way would be the quickest.  WRONG.  The A127 was closed after an accident, so I had to drive down to Orsett on the A128 and join the A13 there, and from there on to the M25.  The traffic into London, even at this early hour was horrendous and my mood was not best helped by having a thumping headache, just below the threshold of a migraine.  I eventually stopped for some pain killers after I began to feel a little nauseous.  

It was only a small group at the school today, about 23 children, mostly girls, but boy were they hard work.  Virtually silent in the morning session, despite my best efforts and then wildly challenging in the afternoon.  I had earned my corn at the end of that session, I can tell you.  The drive home didn't improve my mood with more smacks on the M25 and the A13 to keep me laughing all the way.  

I can't believe I used to live, and enjoy living in, London.  The place is definitely a young person's haunt and not the ideal place for a King - especially a 518 year old one doing his 500th show.

Off to Martham in Norfolk tomorrow.

Paulton and Newcastle Emlyn!

Tuesday 23rd June saw a return visit for me to Paulton Junior in Paulton on the southern outskirts of Bristol. I had visited this school last year and it had been a belter, and this time was no different - a fabulous day! The children were great, very enthusiastic and loud, and the teachers were as ever friendly and pleasant. It was a warm muggy day with rain falling on my arrival, the sun shone later but it was very close. On finishing I had a great reception from the children (the ladies had won a brilliantly close jousting tournament) and was off and packing the car. I was pretty tired after so many shows in such a short space of time, but my fun was only just beginning!

My parents have been trying to move away from Essex for about the last 2 years. Finally, it would seem, they had achieved their goal. They had lived in the village of Mountnessing since 1965, my Mother had been there since about 1955, but now they had found their dream home for their retirement years in the town of Newcastle Emlyn in Wales, close to where my sister Sue had lived for the previous 10 years. I travelled down to Wales on the Wednesday and we began the move in earnest on the Thursday. It was hard work but very rewarding. The area they have moved to is delightful and their new house is gorgeous. Never in the field of Human removals, have so many boxes been opened by so few people in such a short space of time. Relief was garnered in dinner at the Emlyn Arms on a couple of nights - just delightful. We had our moments of rest as well, including on Saturday driving all the way down to Laugharne to the wonderful Owl and the Pussycat cafe (encountering, of all things, a tractor rally on the way)but when we got there we found it was closed. We ate at the Green Room Cafe instead, which was equally good. Both my sisters were due to come and help out my parents, but Sue has a new "chap" and was somewhat distracted, and my poor sister Cath in Kent was due to come and help but her lovely old dog Sam was taken seriously ill and had sadly, eventually had to be put down. It brought the weekend move to a somewhat muted end. Sam was a lovely dog and a real character. Cathy and Julian loved him very much and he will be sorely missed.

I headed back to Somerset today and will be travelling to the South East tomorrow for a show at Wandsworth on Wednesday and another in Norfolk on Friday. The weather forecast is a little scary looking, but it should be OK.

Thorncombe Village Fete

When I appeared at the Barrington Court Mistletoe Festival last November little did I know it would lead to this day! On one of the various stalls that day, there was a lovely lady called Heather Upham and she had connections with the village of Thorncombe, which is in Dorset so ignore all the rubbish I said before when I said it was in Devon! She had contacted me and wanted to know if I could come and open the fete, which I was more than happy to do. It was a lovely day today and Thorncombe is a delightful little village. The main event was happening in the school and next to the village hall. It was quite a set up, with a big hog roast (which was delicious), lots of very professional looking stalls selling bric-a-brac and second hand books, a raffle, tombola, fighting medieval knights (the same group who I met at the Ilminster Experience last year), face painting, bowling, archery and even horse rides on little ponies for the kids.

I declared the fete open and had a good wander round the site. A couple of people came up who had seen me at previous events and there was one very nice lady who knew me from listening to my various appearances on the BBC Somerset programmes. Next I was judging the craft competition which the children from the school had taken part in. There was a performance by the Merriott Majorettes who's music was louder than Concorde at take off, followed by a demonstration of line dancing which personally I found a perfect advert of why you should go and find something else to do with your life. Anything. Taxidermy, golf, strangling invertebrates - anything is preferable to line dancing. Finally I drew and called out the results of the raffle and was then finished. It had been a hot busy day but very much worth it. A lovely day and hopefully lots of money raised for the church and school. And a big "HELLO" to the lovely lady who had seen me previously at Dillington House and has promised to come and see my show at Barrington Court in September.

They Think It's All Dover... It is Now!

Shortly after I had appeared for the Visit Kent group at Detling Showground (see this blog passim - and with pictures of Janet Fielding in a leather mini-skirt... down boy!) they asked if I would be available for another business exhibition, this time at the Cruise Terminal in Dover. Well, as the offer was for money I was in no fit state to refuse. I was trying to remember the last time I had ever been to Dover - and I honestly cannot recall ever being in the town at all. The drive down was lovely - bright sunshine and relatively clear roads. I was staying with my dear old friends Frank and Debbie Coda. Frank Coda was a great song and dance man in his day and later went on to become a respected character actor who's appeared alongside some legendary names over the years. Debbie was a former leggy Tiller Girl who went on to become a seamstress and wardrobe mistress, designing many of the wonderful little costumes on the Muppet Show down the years. They are a wonderful couple who I got to know through their lovely daughter Michelle. She worked for the Chest Heart and Stroke Association charity back in the early 90's. I organised a charity fund raising show for them and my main contact with the charity was Michelle. We hit it off straight away and have remained friends ever since. We lost contact some years ago, but through the miracle of the Internet, or more precisely Friends Reunited, we made contact again. When I first knew the Coda clan they lived in Muswell Hill but they relocated to Dover some years ago - and now they were going to let me come and stay with them.

I was pre-warned that parking outside their house could be something of a lottery, but when my sat nav brought me slithering to a halt right outside their door I was delighted to see a perfect space. I slid the car in and felt very pleased with myself. I got my suitcase, walked up the steps to their front door, knocked and waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. They weren't in. I phoned Michelle on her mobile and her folks were with her at her place in Deal but would be with me soon. Sure enough they soon arrived and I was cuddled and kissed virtually to death by both Debbie AND Frank! Even though it was only just after four in the afternoon a bottle of wine was opened for me, Frank got stuck into some Italian beer and Debbie began making inroads into the World stocks of gin and vermouth. Michelle's son Matty was next to arrive - one of the most likeable and pleasant 17 year olds you are ever likely to meet. By the time Michelle and her lovely little daughter, 6 year old Victoria arrived, I had finished the bottle of red and had now been presented with a bottle of Gerwurtztraminer (I had bought it for them) and was starting my first glass of that. The meal was astonishing - after a cold mixture of olives, gherkins, fetta and mozzarella, Debbie served spaghetti bolognese with added chopped Italian sausage, plus a side splat of polenta and what appeared to be a skip full of garlic bread. After dinner Michelle, Frank and myself jumped into Michelle's car for a drive down to where the Business Exhibition would be the following morning, just so where we were sure where it was. As we trundled down to the Cruise Terminal we all realised that Michelle's car was making an alarming noise - a horrible rumbling grinding noise. Michelle said it had been like that for a while, but after we got back we persuaded her to get the car looked at the following day. It sounded like the bearings in the wheel. Back in the house we yarned and laughed some more, but it was soon time for Michelle to get her family home.

In the morning Debbie cooked me a wonderful breakfast and then Frank drove me to the terminal. I had to go through a rigorous security search but you'll be glad to hear they let me keep my tights on. A cruise ship was in dock and so security was on high alert and obviously any Al Qaeeda attack on American's abroad is going to be conducted by some huge ginger pillock dressed as a 16th century British monarch. My bag was scanned twice and my dagger taken out, just in case it might sink the ship. I met up with the two nice ladies from Visit Kent. We went down to the exhibition itself which was taking place in the bowels of the terminal which rather than some swish international port resembled a local council authority car park. On our stand we had some small lavender pomanders to hand out to ladies. Our first visitors to the stall were a couple of ladies from ITV Teletext Holidays - I chatted a bit and then handed them their pomanders. I turned back to the two ladies I was on the stall with and smiled. One glowered at me and snapped: "Those are for genuine punters only, not just any old slag who turns up..." Lovely. I asked her how I was supposed to tell who was a genuine punter and who was a "slag"? Should I just ask them to their face? She didn't smile. The day was a bit slow to say the least - there weren't many punters in, and most of those weren't interested in a stall about Kent, they had come for the cruise companies. We were sandwiched in between the Canary Islands stall and a Scottish Highlands Cruise stall. Frank and Debbie came and picked me up after the show and we headed back to their place. They threatened more wine, but I just stuck to a couple of small beers as my head the morning after the previous wine-a-thon felt like the Kodo Drummers were having a quick warm up session in it. My two days with Frank and Debbie were delightful and fun filled. They are wonderful friends and such marvellous company. Frank's tales of his acting days were fun, fruity and a bit too rude to repeat in a family read blog!

The second day at the exhibition were even quieter and I eventually was allowed to slip away at about 2.30pm. I drove up to Essex to see my parents and Amanda and James.

Today I am back in Somerset after an horrendous journey home. Friday + M25 + A303 + forthcoming summer solstice + Stonehenge = pain in the posterior and a long journey. Tomorrow on the Saturday I am opening Thorncombe Village fete in North Devon! Come along if you're in the area!

Medieval Midsummer Merriment + Barrington Court & Birchfield Junior!

And so, it came to pass, that His Majesty Henry VIII - Good King Hal, did travel down to Abbotsbury in the county of Dorsetshire and did take part in their annual Medieval Midsummer Merriment on Saturday June 13th. Despite some dodgy weather and a little amateurish organisational moments which reminded you it was a small village event, it was a total triumph. I entertained the crowds in the main tithe barn with a presentation about Henry and his six wives, we also had some local musicians who scraped away during the main meal. Then there was the Dorchester Historical Dance group - eight middle aged ladies in dramatic and unisex Tudor and Elizabethan clothes, plus one tanned younger man who seemed very at home in tights and was very light on his feet. They did a series of dances that were perfectly adequate, but their sound system sounded like it was from the Tudor era as well. Muffled, fuzzy, hissy and at times, deafening! Finally we had "live" music from a band called The Crack who were from Weymouth, and despite the name they were not an Irish folk band but a very good straightforward party band. The food was marvellous - roast long horn beef spit roasted for about 12 hours, plus venison sausages and a fresh crunchy salad. A marvellous time was seemed to be had by all and I finally got away from the mad partying people at about 11.30pm.

Sunday saw me leaving Portesham (I had stayed at my cousin's house the night before) and headed up towards Barrington Court for a walkabout the gardens during their "Jazz on the Lawn" weekend. Now I love most "live" music, but one thing I cannot stand is Trad Jazz (actually I loathe all types of jazz, but trad jazz and modern jazz the most). It was scorchingly hot and I was tired, but I managed many laps of the house until it got to about 3pm by which time I had definitely had enough. I went and saw the lovely Rachel on the cider stall who poured me a "Barrington Shandy" (some Barrington Court cider mixed with Barrington Court apple juice - delicious and not too lethal) and I was soon scoffing a nice sausage in a bap with some fried onions on it. That certainly girded my loins! I also bumped into a lovely couple of ladies who had been at the Abbotsbury show the night before and had come along to see me! One lady was from Mosterton and the other from Oxfordshire. Bless 'em.

Monday had me down for a return visit to Birchfield Junior in Yeovil, but today was a bit different. I did the usual opening talk and the three activities (which we did all together), but straight after that I did the jousting tournament (which the ladies won!). In the afternoon we did a small play called "Henry the VIII - This is Your Life!" in which I play Henry being surprised by Michael Aspel with the famous big red book. A whole load of family and friends came to join us and we had a really good time. I did some more of my Henry routine for the Mum's and Dad's and soon it was time for home.

Tomorrow I am driving to Dover in Kent for two days at the Cruise Terminal for Visit Kent again. See you then!

St John's Junior, Highbridge

A long week of being Henry came to a close this Friday with a return visit to St John's Junior School in Highbridge. Now this area of Somerset has been known in the past to have been slighted by some people. Admittedly, Bridgwater and it's near neighbour Highbridge are not the most aesthetically pleasing of towns you could name. Bridgwater looks like Dagenham with a Wurzel's accent and Highbridge...well, I like to refer to it as the Latin Quarter of Bridgwater.

St John's is a lovely school, very friendly and welcoming and with lovely children. After the previous days show at Wedmore with over 160 children appearing, at St John's we were down to just about 40 which involved less shouting! The morning was good fun and I was delighted to have repeated to me one of my favourite children's answers to my questions. When I asked the group who Henry's second wife was I was informed by a very serious looking young man that she was called "Annie Boyling". Love it.

I nipped out at lunch and bought a sandwich from a local petrol station, and the afternoon seemed to zip past. It ended almost inevitably with ANOTHER victory for the gentlemen in the jousting. They are really making a habit of this!

I stopped off in Crewkerne on the way home to get some shopping. This morning I have awoken to discover I have STILL not been honoured in the Queen's Birthday List. Surely it's only a matter of time? Perhaps I should start a campaign! For services to the British Tights Industry?

Tonight I am down at Abbotsbury appearing at their lovely Medieval Tythe Barn as part of their gloriously titled Midsummer Medieval Merriement! Fun. Monday I am back at Birchfield Junior in Yeovil.

BBC Somerset, West Pennard & Wedmore

Tuesday morning had me up and about and into Taunton for another appearance on the BBC Somerset Have Your Say show. Emma Britton was on holiday so the show was hosted by Elise Raynor, and she was pretty good! I was on with Wendy Hellowell who runs a support group for people who have children with Downs Syndrome. Her group is called Ups And Downs. We had a good show and had some interesting phone ins as well.

After finishing at Taunton I drove to Yeovil as the King needed some new tights! The parking was a bit iffy, but the nice people at the Mad Hatter Shop (who supply my tights) were their usual friendly selves.

Wednesday I was back up to West Pennard School near Glastonbury. My old friend Ian Gouge was still there, only this year he is looking after the year six group. Year five were under the auspices of David Wheat - and a great group they were! The journey up was odd with a big hold up at one point down a small country lane as a big herd of cows was led across the road in front of me by a very disinterested looking cow hand. However they were soon gone and I was on my way. We have a fabulous day at the school, with much laughter and a good time truly seemed to be had by all. The early morning rain soon gave way to bright and warm sunshine. The afternoon was boisterous fun and ended with the gentlemen winning the jousting. The evening was spent at leisure watching England tonk Andorra by 6-0. It was the rugby equivalent of watching Sale Sharks play a Little Pink Pussycat. No contest.

Today I have been to Wedmore and the Hugh Sexey Middle School. As I recalled from previous years sometimes the old Sat Nav's have problems finding this address as the school really is in the middle of nowhere. Sure enough I found myself not at the right place at all but with the Sat Nav squawking away and telling me I had arrived. Computerised buffoon. I finally found the school and we had another simply superb day. It was a big group - over 160 children, but there were so many fabulous costumes you didn't know where to look first. We also had quite a cosmopolitan collection of teachers - one from Germany and another lovely lady from Canada. Fun was had by all and the afternoon was particularly good and yet again the gents came away with the win in the jousting. I am now sitting here watching England struggling against South Africa in the World Twenty 20 Cricket tournament. It is not cheering me up much.

Tomorrow I am back at St John's Junior at Highbridge. Should be fun.

Castle Primary, Stoke sub Hamdon

Last week was hard work. Last week I honestly struggled with each and every show. And then along came today! I had last appeared at Castle Primary School in Stoke sub Hamdon back in 2005 - it must have been one of the very first schools I did after becoming a full time Tudor Monarch! As I hadn't heard from them since I had sort of wondered if I had upset them! But nothing of the sort - the reason I hadn't heard from them for so long was that I had previously performed in front of four year groups combined. So after today I kind of guess I won't be hearing from them again until 2013 at the earliest, which is a real shame!

Today was great fun. It was another mixed group of years 3, 4, 5 & 6 and they were just delightful. They laughed, they whooped, they applauded, they showed brilliant amounts of Tudor knowledge and to cap it all, at the very end of the day they gave me a standing ovation, something I have never had from a school before and one which genuinely brought a lump to my throat! Thank you Castle Primary School!

The morning was brilliant fun and seemed to shoot past, even though they have a very odd set up for the day at Castle Primary which involves two (yes, TWO) morning break times - one at 10.15am and another at 11.15am. Hey-ho, each to their own. The afternoon was equally entertaining and the noise of the jousting tournament was absolutely deafening as a very capable gents team romped home to victory.

I also met today the very lovely Julie Carney who I think would make an excellent Queen Elizabeth I - all I have to do now is convince her! Watch this space.

Tomorrow I am back at BBC Somerset for the morning show, though I believe Emma Britton is away, so I am not sure who will be hosting the show. But tune in anyway folks, it's usually entertaining.

Northwick Park, Canvey Island

Let me quote you something.  You might find it interesting!  

For the final day, I was making my third return visit to Northwick Park Primary School in Canvey Island. When I first arrived I hardly recognised the place, it had been almost completely rebuilt and was now a proper Primary school rather than two separate Junior and Infant locations. They were making frantic efforts to get the place ready for it's official opening...

Sound familiar?  Well that is my entry from this very blog from my previous visit to Northwick Park Junior on Canvey Island back in 2007.  Well I was back at Northwick on Friday and, guess what?  They are having loads of work being done ready for another grand re-opening!  Some of the old classrooms were being renovated to a very high standard, plus a superb pond and nature area for the children to enjoy.  Frantic efforts were being made to get everything ready for the grand re-opening today (the Saturday).  Once again Northwick presented me with a lovely friendly school, charming helpful teachers and some very intelligent and groovy children. Some of the costumes they were wearing were brilliant.  I felt almost under-dressed!

For the first time in a long time the weather was cool and wet, but it was still warm enough to get me sweating buckets in the Henry costume.  We had a fun entertaining morning and one little lad for the first time ever knew exactly how many years had passed since Henry VIIIth had died!  I was hugely impressed!  Lunch was gorgeous - fish and chips!  But the highlight of the meal was the lovely homemade Cole slaw that it was served with - fresh, tangy, and nice and crunchy!  The afternoon shot past and a very loud jousting session was finally won by a very good boys team.

Back at my wife's house in Basildon it was announced on the news that England had lost to Holland.  I didn't really bat an eyelid - us England football fans have got used to this sort of reverse over the years.  It was only after they showed the highlights did I realise it was cricket we had lost at.  To Holland?  Bring on the Aussies?  Oh dear...

Roman Hill Middle School, Lowestoft

Mike Farley as Good King Hal, and Helen Budd, Assistant Events Manager at Leeds Castle, working their socks off at the recent Royal Jousting Tournament.  BTW, Irn Bru tastes like crap.

I love this picture on the right.  Darlene from Leeds Castle sent it to me the other day and it just makes me laugh so much.  It almost looks like dear little Helen Budd is resting her feet on my head!

Today was yet another return visit to Roman Hill Middle School in Lowestoft in north Suffolk.  Thankfully my journey up was painless compared to a couple of years back (see this blog passim) and there were no major road traffic accidents or horrendous roadworks in Lowestoft itself.  In fact the only two things that ruined the journey up was the fact I had to leave at just before 6am and most of the journey was spent listening to the inane brainless ramblings of Sarah Kennedy on Radio 2.  Considering it is only a couple of days after the Air France plane crash, the idiotic woman was jabbering about her own experiences of Air France on a recent trip to Egypt.  Apparently it was a "jolly nice airline", which I am sure will be of monumental relief to all the mourning families across the globe.   And as today was a polling day in the European elections, she assured us she would not be digging any political stories out of the newspaper reviews that she does each day.  Now Sarah has her political colours very firmly nailed to her mast most of the time and you would have to be pretty dense not to work out her political leanings, but she was not going to make any comments about the impending implosion of Gordon Brown's government in the elections - but she reckoned the day was going to be entertaining and "jolly interesting".  Someone get this buffoon off the air because....damn!  But enough of my Will Smith impressions from "Men in Black".

It was great fun at the school today.  A group of about 80, very enthusiastic children, and some lovely teachers - but not dear Rebecca Haste from previous years.  She was busy having a fun time in Australia, and I can't blame her!  She'd heard my inane jokes for the previous five years and probably considered the antipodes as the best place to get away from them this time around.  We had a fabulous day with the only draw back being we ran out of time to find champions in the jousting!  We had a ladies race and a gents race, but that was it!  No final!  Perhaps next year.  The journey back was less of a drag as Sarah Kennedy had gone home to nail four CWT of blue bunting to the front of her country mansion.

I have spent this evening trying to teach James how to play "Super Mario Cart" on the Wii, and he is slowly getting the hang of it, but he is still not quite getting the idea that driving in a straight line is the quickest way to win a race.  Never mind, I am sure even Lewis Hamilton and Jensen Button had these problems at first.  Tomorrow I am back at Northwick Park in Canvey Island.  Should be a good one.

Thundersley!

We are all so in need of our modern contraptions, aren't we?  Now, you'd have thought that a big old, roughty-toughty Tudor King like me would have no need of such namby pamby things like Sat Navs, wouldn't you?  How wrong.

Last week, whilst at Leeds Castle (hence the excuse for this photo here!) I had the pleasure of attending John Summer's farewell bash which took place at a very nice Indian restaurant in the middle of nowhere in Kent.  I hadn't paid much attention on how we'd got to this particular restaurant (I had driven in convoy with others) as I knew I had my faithful old Sat Nav in the car to help find my way back to my sister's place at Stockbury.  WRONG!  I came out of the restaurant after the meal and climbed in my car.  Not a sign of the Sat Nav.  Rummage, rummage, rummage.  Still nothing.  I know, I still have dear old Doris in the car, my emergency back up Sat Nav who runs on batteries only.  There she is...oh dear.  No batteries.  I took them out the previous week as my Mother needed them for her camera.  You suddenly feel the cold chill of reality running down your spine.  Yes, you are going to have to use those old fashioned things called "road signs" to find your way back to your bed tonight.  And, ye Gods, it worked!  However, this didn't solve the fact that this week I had three big Henry shows to do in Essex and Suffolk and not a sat nav that would last more than an hour to help me.  Until of course I got to Thundersley Junior this morning and while pulling all the props out of the car... there was the SAT NAV!  Cue choirs of angels, cannon fire, Hallelujah Chorus, flashing lights and laser show.  Well, to be honest it was more of "for *£%$'s sake!" and a heavy sigh.

It was my third year at Thundersley Junior and as ever it was a pleasure to come and see everyone there.  Fabulous costumes, great kids and lovely teachers.  What more could you ask for?  Also, the temperature had dropped considerably from the previous few days and that made things a lot more tolerable for me.  The afternoon joust was a belter, loads of noise and a close but deserved victory for the ladies.  Great stuff!  Tomorrow I am back at Roman Hill Junior in Lowestoft in Suffolk, so it's an early start tomorrow.

Joust a Minute

Sir Eugene of Knebworth and Sir Stephen of Porlock contemplate darning the ladder in His Majesty's tights with a dirty big needle.

And after the rain came the sun.  Where on the Wednesday we had all frozen at the jousting tournament at Leeds Castle, from Thursday onwards it got hotter and hotter, and the crowds grew larger.  On the Friday we attracted an almost unbelievable 8,400 visitors on one day - a record for a Friday we were told.  Queues of cars were stretching from the main entrance, all along the A20 and back to the M20.  On the other days we were getting at least 7,500 people which just goes to prove how popular the jousting tournament was with the public.

Apart from laddering my tights on one day, the other highlights were seeing some old friends who had come to visit during my stay at the Castle.  Anne Crocker and Ben Lyle from Shoreham brought along their lovely daughters Nell and Tilly; an old friend of my Father's, William Brown came along with a section of his immediate family; and on the Sunday the lovely Michelle Coda came along with her Mum and Dad, the indomitable Frank and Debbie, plus her partner and two children - and it was just so nice to see them all!

The whole experience of the jousting tournament has been positive, and I particularly enjoyed the final two shows as Jeremy (who is head of the Royal Knights of England) suggested I keep an open mic in the Royal Box and have some banter with Roland, the announcer.  This was great fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it!  Big thanks to Darlene, Helen and everyone else at Leeds Castle for everything as ever.  Also thanks to Cath and Julian for letting me stay at their lovely house again.

I have a couple of days to recuperate now and then I am off to Thundersley on Wednesday, Lowestoft on Thursday and Canvey Island on Friday.